Most of my time spent in the NICU was to nurse Ember – in fact, looking back, I don’t think she even had a bottle until day 4, before then it was entirely me nursing her on demand, I was there literally every 3 hours around the clock (that seems a little crazy to me, not sure how I did that). But there were a lot of times when I had no where to be, no one to meet with, and I would just hold her in my arms after she’d passed out on my boob and I would just stare at her. I knew that she would be fine if I wasn’t there all the time… but it mattered a lot to me. I had a hard time emotionally bonding with Kate after she was born, and the thing that helped was holding her pretty much all the time. Ember not being in my room was a bizarre feeling, like I hadn’t just given birth. So I spent a lot of time in the NICU with her. And it’s amazing how holding your child can turn on all those switches inside you, how the tears can fall in joy and relief and amazement and how deeply you can fall in love. And the thing is, I know it just keeps getting deeper.

Having a second baby at home is definitely different from having just the one, for sure. I remember we held Kate all the time, both because she screeched when we put her down and because, well, we could. We had nothing else to do but wrap ourselves in this tiny little being we brought home. This time around I am much more willing to put the baby down, I am happy to have her sleep in her bouncer so I can spend time with Kate and eat and get a couple of things done. The biggest change, though, is how much I look forward to the future. I remember wanting to keep Kate that small forever, that I felt like her perfection was complete in that moment in time. Now that I see how much Kate has become I find myself staring at Ember and wondering who she will become, too. I am so eager to know who this person is, in what ways she will be similar and different to her sister. I picture the two of them running around together, reading together, sitting together. The present is awesome. The future looks beyond awesome.

Kate is being amazing. She really really loves her little sister. In the morning when she woke up the first thing she said to Den was, “Baby sista??” After nap, too, she has to come out and make sure the baby is still here. She tries to help Den carry the car seat by the handle, and when we load them in the car Kate leans forward to make sure that little sister is coming, too. This evening Kate sat on the couch and reached out her arms, so I placed Ember on her lap (with me still holding). Kate was SO proud of herself, she wrapped her arms around the baby and gave her a couple of kisses. The only problem was that when I picked Ember up Kate immediately wanted her back again! Kate pets her hair and touches her hands and feet. She gives a ton of kisses and hugs – so many that I have to try to distract Kate with something else. The main problem I have right now is that when I’m on the couch nursing Kate wants to give Ember hugs… and her method of doing that is to lean over and pretty much lay on her. We’re working on the gentle and personal space. It can be frustrating when Kate isn’t listening, but at the same time I want to keep it all positive because she’s being so good.

Emotionally I am very happy but I guess struggling a tiny bit with that guilt of having to split my time and attention. I really miss Kate sometimes, even though she’s right in front of me. Den is home now for a while (he’s taking 6 weeks off), so he’s dealing with feeding and changing Kate while I’m covering Ember. (We would swap, but he doesn’t have the boobs, so he’s pretty limited with Ember right now!) When Ember is sleeping I read Kate books and give her lots of cuddles (no belly in the way now!) and just try to be present. I can also hold and/or nurse Ember while interacting with Kate, even if I can’t hold her right then. And then I feel a little bad that I’m not holding Ember all the time like I did Kate.

I have no idea how being home alone with both is going to go, right now I’m just trying to figure out a rhythm to the day. Ember is over a week old but is still basically a mystery to me. Sometimes she cries and I am just puzzled as to what to do – she doesn’t react like Kate used to, and I don’t know much about her normal patterns. I’m sure it will just take some time to figure out. But on the whole she seems like a pretty straightforward baby so far. When she’s upset either changing or nursing her fixes the problem 99% of the time. And she will complain if I put her down when she doesn’t want to be put down. So far she seems to be sleeping okay on her own, but she’s apparently starting to realize that mama’s arms are a much better place to sleep. The first day home she wanted to be put down to sleep, she fussed at me for a while before I figured that out. Day two… not so much. Last night she started off the night sleeping 3 hours in the cosleeper, but then ended up in bed with me after a middle of the night change feed cuddle feed change feed had me so tired that I just fell asleep with her in my arms. I figure as long as I can start the night out alone I should be good. To be honest I love waking up cuddling a baby way too much.