I’m up in the middle of the night thanks to an aching hip and a loud, unhappy cat, but things are a little clearer now. I think the reason I’m most on-edge and put off by the way everything went is because it’s not what I was expecting. I was expecting a month full of testing, then a month to start treatment. I expected them to be seperate. It seems a little bit odd (premature) to be starting treatment before you find out what’s wrong. Like what if I do the HSG and my tubes are blocked? We don’t find out until after I take the clomid. Or if the day 3 bloods show something wrong. The RE said that she doesn’t expect anything to be wrong since I’m young and everything else looks good.

I forgot to mention that she gave me an option. With the clomid and the IUI, to do ultrasound monitoring to know when to trigger, or to do OPKs to know when to do the IUI. She said they prefer to do at least one round with monitoring. But I’m under the impression that not monitoring with any ovulation meds is not a good thing.

I don’t know, the whole thing just leaves me full of questions and unease. I don’t have a choice in RE clinic, there’s only one in all of western MA. But maybe I should postpone the IUI until next cycle, after the testing. But if I do that, it means next cycle won’t be giving us much of anything in terms of possibility of getting pregnant. I do have the decision-making power here – it is my body – but I don’t do too well at making decisions like this.

I’m really feeling down because I didn’t speak up more at the appointment – this happens a lot, I’m the kind of person who needs to mull things over to formulate ideas and questions. Everything was coming at me too fast for me to be able to think. I could call in to ask questions, but that’s even worse because I have a pretty strong phone phobia. I don’t mind calling to ask a specific question, but I don’t have one, I have a whole slew of confusions. Maybe I could get another appointment to sit down with the doctor?? But that makes me feel self-concious.

I talked to Den about it and he’s very soothing and reminded me that I don’t need to have everything figured out right this second (a tendency I have), that I have a week before my next period will start. But he can’t really help me with decisions – he doesn’t know much about the whole thing and is happy to just go along with whatever he’s told (by the doctor, or by me). I need someone who has been through it to help me figure out what the hell I’m doing. I think I’m going to use the peer infertility counselling list over at Stirrup Queens to find someone to talk to. I didn’t realize until now what a great idea that is.