The Anger Stage
Ovulation must be coming up, my body is screaming “fertile!!” I told it to screw off, a whole lot of good “fertile” has done for us the last 12 cycles. I’ve taken a total of 2 tempertures this month so far. I just don’t care. I don’t care if we have sex, I don’t care when I ovulate beyond wanting to know when AF will be here so I can plan… but seeing how I ovulate very regularily on CD15 I’m not too concerned about that either.
I feel less obsessed this month. I’m kind of coming to terms with the idea that kids might not happen very quickly, if at all. I know that’s a large leap to make, but when you have no idea what could be wrong and nothing seems to be working right you start considering all the possibilities. So I’ve dialed it back a bit.
I’m still angry and resentful though. I find myself reading less and less pregnancy-related things. Some I’m okay with – but seeing more people announce pregnancies just gets harder and harder. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t want to have to put on my happy face.
I’m glad that you’re in a good space–somewhat–mentally with the timing and TTC. Interesting that I read this right after I read your comment on my what if.
I know what you mean about the terror and needing to feel prepared. While it all sounds nice in theory, and while I’d love to skip over the waiting and anxiety, I’d also freak out if a baby was suddenly in my house tomorrow. I’d love the baby, but I’d freak out as well.
And how bizarre was it that I wrote that, and then on Desperate Housewives tonight, Lynette just got instant motherhood? Freaky. I made my husband watch the rest of the episode with me.
When I hit the 12 cycle milestone I went through the exact same “I Don’t Care” feeling. I stopped charting and pretty much stopped doing anyting that reminded me of babies. I’ve gone in and out of those feelings a few different times over the 9 cycles since then and I won’t lie it deosn’t get easier, but I will assure you that we all make it through.
I found your blog from Stirrup Queens and will continue to check in! Wishing you all the best.