An email to my mother, that I think is appropriate to post here for posterity. My mom knows we’ve been trying, knows I’ve been upset about it. Every month I’ll mention off-hand to her that AF arrived and she’ll offer sympathy. My mom may get a lot of things wrong, her and I have had a very rocky relationship over my lifetime, but at least she “gets” this one.

Hey mom, sorry I haven’t called lately. I haven’t really felt up to phone conversations. I’m feeling blah.

My period arrived today. I’ve known it was coming for a few days in that way that you just know… temperture was going down, I was feeling crampy. So it showed on schedule. That makes 12 cycles of nothing. In november we reach the 1-year mark since we started trying. So we’ve made an appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, who is basically the doctor who deals only with reproductive issues. It’s at the one-year mark that couples who haven’t conceived yet are classified as “infertile.” So that’s a little tough to take.

We’ve had Den checked out already, everything looks fine on his end. So I guess from here on out we’re going to be searching to find out if there’s something wrong with me. Best-case scenario is that we still get pregnant before we find anything, but at this point the probability of that happening is low. Diagnosing infertility problems is not really very easy and it’s a long process. First they’ll take lots of blood samples from me to make sure my hormones aren’t out of whack. I guess that is the second-best scenario – that it’s something relatively easy to daignose and treat. After that it gets worse, though. Internal ultrasounds to check my ovaries, an HSG (which is an x-ray of the uterus, they insert dye and then watch what it does) to make sure everything is shaped correctly and my tubes are open. Down the road they may have to do a laparascopy, which is a minor surgical proceedure. That’s what they’d have to do to check for endometriosis. And I can’t tell you how freaked out I am about even the possibility of someone cutting even a tiny hole in me.

In treatment, well. First thing they usually do is put women on drugs like Clomid to induce hyper-ovulation – which means, ovulate better or more eggs at once. Obviously that comes with a small risk of multiples, but if you aren’t suceeding with just one normal egg they figure that the more the better chance of one working. That does have a good success rate.

Depending on what they find during the initial workup of me they may want us to do IUI – intra-uterine insemination. Again, it increases the chances of pregnancy.

Luckily all of the above is covered by our medical insurance, something apparently we are very lucky to have down here in the States. Most people have absolutely no coverage for anything infertility related. However, as lucky as we are, if we get to the stage of IVF – in-vitro fertilization – we are NOT covered. And each cycle of IVF costs anywhere between $10,000 to $25,000. People go into debt to do this. When I found out our insurance didn’t cover that I freaked out a little. How the hell is anyone supposed to afford that? And then, after that, a baby? Luckily that’s only a small possibility for us at this point, but it still scares me. Not to mention the whole process is very painful – they give you lots of drugs to make you develop a LOT of eggs at once so they can “harvest” them with a big needle. Not a fun process. Then they put two or three good fertilized ones back. Good success rates – but again, big risk for multiples. And I don’t have to tell you how much I want to avoid multiples. Although I guess if you’re going to be forking out that much money to do it it kind of makes sense to get two kids at once.

I don’t know. I guess I should just wait until November 17th and hear what the doctor has to say and what she wants to do. But you know me… I’m buying and reading books and mentally preparing myself.

I guess I just never really considered the possibility that we’d have trouble having kids. When I stopped birth control last year I thought I’d have a baby by now. Instead it’s a year later and we have nothing. No baby, no pregnancy, no answers. I never knew how much I wanted to be a mother until it didn’t happen when I thought it would. Every month it’s like a kick in the gut. And I know it’s irrational, but sometimes I wonder if life/fate/whatever thinks I wouldn’t be a good mother… if maybe my depression caused all this. Like I said, I know it’s stupid but I think it sometimes.

So that’s where it all sits. I thought I’d let you know because, well, you’re my mom and of anyone you can understand.

Love,
Natalie