I feel like absolute crap tonight. I just haven’t felt right all day… after being up for a few hours this afternoon I took a nap hoping it would help. And it did… for a while. But then it’s back again. I’m so short on patience and temper with DH… everything he does upsets me. He has his little bad moments of upset and then he shrugs it off and moves on… I don’t. I hate arguing, even over stupid stuff that doesn’t matter. I hate feeling this way.

The 12th cycle and I still don’t know how to get through the next week until testing/AF. It’s really hard to hang onto that hope. I want to be pregnant so bad, but I know the more likely outcome is disappointment. At least I have another week to prepare because if I got bad news right now, in this mood, it wouldn’t be pretty.

I don’t write a lot about my depression and how hard it is. I mention it now and again, but I think I’m pretty good at hiding how crappy I’m really feeling – responding to someone elses comment with an upbeat sentence and leaving my baggage behind for a few minutes. But it’s there. It makes me feel frustrated, like my inability to deal with ignorant comments and simple innocent questions; it makes me feel deeply sad when I read about BFPs and others’ successes; it makes me feel very jealous and suspicious and selfish; and then it makes me feel guilty for all of the above. I live in this morass of emotion that’s like a bog weighing me down. Every time I feel something or think something I have to ask myself: is this me or is it my depression? And to be honest I’ve never gotten a straight answer. The medication helps me feel more “normal” but I am the depression, it’s a part of me – it’s seperate and yet you can’t just cut it away. Who can know if a bad day is just a bad day or if it’s a depression day. Live doesn’t come with signposts… and neither does depression. I hate it.

I think part of the reason I’ve been feeling so down lately is a have a few big decisions to make. I don’t deal well with big decisions, especially big decisions with no clear answer and the knowledge that any result will make someone unhappy and not solve everything. For other people they make not be that big of deals… but one side-effect of my anxiety and depression is that average-sized issues seem like big deals to me. Calling someone to make an appointment usually requires days of build-up and a secure plan. Decisions take weeks for me to sort out. An argument with someone puts me out of commission for days. Right now I’m working 10 hours a week at a job that doesn’t pay a lot, but I’m really happy with that. I tend to put in more than 10 hours a week, but I’m satisfied with this. Sometimes I think about what it’d be like if I was forced into getting a full-time job and I break out into a cold sweat. I would probably do it, if I had to, and get through it – but I don’t think the results would be all that pretty. And yes, frequently I feel very sub-standard for it. I feel like I don’t pull my weight, like I’m not entitled to my feeling overwhelmed when I don’t do half as much as other people. But I guess it’s like the issue of how bad you’re “allowed” to feel depending on how long you’ve been TTC – there’s always someone worse off than you and always someone better off than you, but nothing minimizes what you’re going through.

And yes, part of all of that is what pushes me to want to try a non-medicated birth. I feel like such a weak person a lot of the time, unable to handle what life throws at me – or I get through it, but don’t manage it well. So there’s a driving need in me to do something amazing – to be strong. When people talk about motherhood – specifically being a stay-at-home mom – as being the hardest thing they’ve ever done I admit I think to myself, if I do it, that will prove I am strong. And yes, I know I shouldn’t have to need to prove to anyone. But I do.