She is coughing at night, sometimes waking, sometimes not. At 10pm we pause the show and I go in assuming I’ll be replacing a pacifier, but it’s still in her mouth, yet she’s just standing there crying and won’t lay down. I lean over the crib, put my cheek against hers, and rub her back. She immediately calms down. After a minute she sits down, then lays down with her head on my hand and falls back asleep.

At 3am she’s crying again. I’m not sleeping well, myself – too humid and sticky, even with the a/c on in the bedrooms – and I go in to see her. I pick her up and she rests her head on my shoulder, but she’s still crying. I lay down to nurse her and she sleepily drains one side, then pulls at my shoulder to make me turn so she can get the other side.

When she’s done eating I give her the paci and she sticks it in and drifts off to sleep there beside me. I should put her back in the crib but I delay for a minute or two, just rubbing her back and cuddling her close. I am thankful she lets me do this again, if only in the middle of the night. Her legs no longer fit in the space next to me, now draped over my legs when once they barely touched my thighs. Her hair tickles my nose as I kiss her forehead.

Finally the need to go to the bathroom overcomes my desire to stay there with her and I gently scoop her up and lay her in the crib. She rolls onto her side and sighs, asleep. She’s grown so much, in more ways than one.