Birth doula-ing
A good friend of mine had a baby last week and it has stirred up in me all kinds of emotions. Shockingly, mostly good ones. Mainly am I excited to someday do it again: not just have a baby, but to give birth again. Almost everyone looks at me oddly when I say that, because it’s apparently not a very common sentiment of women who have given birth before. But I am weird and not only do I love being pregnant (throwing up notwithstanding), I love labor and I love birth.
I have thought a lot about pursuing it further, to become a birth doula. It’s something I’m pretty certain I would love doing, something that would give me an emotional high, be fulfilling. It is not, however, something that will make a lot of money, nor is it at all practical with a small child. That’s the part that’s holding me back right now. Den has a very secure, predictable day job. We don’t have any relatives nearby who are available during the day – everyone works. If a birth happened during the day – which they would, given how spontaneous these things occur – then Den would have to call in to work and stay home with Kate. Which may possibly work a few times, but seems kind of counter-productive to me. And stressful. I am thinking that the joy of attending births would be significantly diminished by the stress I experience trying desperately to get someone to watch Kate.
So, as before, it’s an idea I shelve for now. “Maybe later” – later, after the kids are in school, after they are self-sufficient. But then I will probably (hopefully) have a job of some sort… or be in college in order to get said job. (As I said before, being a doula just is never going to pay much.) Maybe I’ll find another way to be involved in birth somehow.
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My mom was visiting us for two weeks, she just left. My mom and I have never been super close, but we have been getting along great ever since I moved out. It took a while for me to understand – we are just very different people. She is a great person, warm and giving and gets along with everyone. She is always there to help a friend or family member in need. We just clash personality-wise when we live in each others space. It was a good thing when I moved out.
Watching her with Kate, however, really made me think too much of what could have been. Kate loved her, and of course my mom reveled in the attention of her granddaughter. There was something so wonderful about watching them together. And of course it was so much easier on me. Needed to run to the store while Kate was napping? No problem! Needed Kate distracted while I cooked dinner? No problem! Needed a babysitter so Den and I could attend a work event? No problem!
It has left me very homesick – though not exactly missing home itself. I miss my family. I see my SIL’s relationship with her parents, how much they lend a hand with the kids, and I think about bow it could be if my family were close. What a different life it could be. That doula thing? I could do that if my mom were here. Not only is she willing to babysit on short-notice, but she thinks the idea of being a labor coach is wonderful.
I find myself really mourning. And the thing is, there is no way to change it. The area that my parents live, so close to Vancouver, is absolutely not affordable – not to mention the fact that my husband, the sole money-maker, works for the Military. It’s not like he can transfer to Canada. We love this area, we have his family here (but they are not available the way my family would be – they all work). I love just about everything else about living here. I just wish my family were a few streets over, not a 7 hour flight.
argh, I hate being sad about things I can’t change! My parents live half an hour from us, and they each work part-time. Plus my sister lives with them and is in grad school, so fairly free. I don’t know how we’d raise J without them! So I hate that you can’t fix that, and I hate that you can’t be a doula because of it. You’re right, though, maybe you could do it when Kate’s in school. Or could you be a La Leche leader? I know that’s totally different, and volunteer, but it seems like a lot of doulas are LLL leaders and vice versa. And you could bring Kate.
I do think I’m going to look further at being an LLL leader and/or LC. It would play in nicely with whatever happens with the birth things. It’s unfortunate that I have not made it to many meetings lately – Kate’s schedule has not been kind.
I can’t imagine being that far away – my own parents are only 2.5 hours away, and it’s sad to me that I can’t have those little things, but we (and n) still get to see so much of them.
Would your MIL be willing to do some of those things for you guys, too, though? I mean, I know she’s not your mother, but she is Kate’s grandmother, and may enjoy that time as well.
I too have been considering training as a doula. I have a friend going through her training right now. In our case, it’s a matter of not having the funds for the actual training, but I hadn’t really thought about the child watching aspect. The woman who watches n during the week is also an on-call babysitter for her neighbor who is a doula. So, there’s also that option (just in case).
My MIL does like to help out once in a while, but she’s simply not available much. She works full-time and is caring for Den’s grandmother who is in and out of the hospital. Plus she has a bunch of other grandchildren she tries to take time to visit with as well… she does see Kate when she can, but it’s not very frequent. :/
What training is your friend doing? I am going to start looking for a home daycare person who would be willing to do on-call babysitting for me… that may actually end up being the best solution for us.
I have done doula work and agree that it would be tough with a little one. However, there is no reason you can’t do the training now to see what that is like for you. And no reason you can’t go with a friend who would like to have help during her labor. Also, there are lots of other ways to be involved in the world of birth: post partum doulas (who help out moms after the baby is born), lactation consultants, childbirth educator, home birth midwife, nurse midwife, etc. I believe if you are fascinated with something, the universe is telling you it wants you to explore … it’s amazing what ends up happening. Just my two cents.
That is true…. I guess there’s just a part of me that doesn’t want to commit to the training if it’s not going to work out. It’s a personality flaw, always wanting all my ducks aligned! And sadly I don’t have many friends who get pregnant, much less who consider a natural birth! I’m certainly going to be looking into other avenues… I do think it’s something I need to follow, if only to find out if it is something I want to do long-term.
I know exactly what you mean about the Vancouver area being super expensive. We live about 45 minutes east of Vancouver and can’t afford a house. We live in a condo that we own, but how nice would it be to have a proper back yard for Maggie to play in.
My parents live about 3 hours away and I really wish they were closer. My in-laws only live 10 minutes away but it’s just not the same.
It’s nice that you’ve found something you’re so passionate about. Hope it works out sooner than later!
I sometimes think I’m the only person relieved to be thousands of miles from their parents, ha ha. But I can completely commiserate with wanting an involved and available family member nearby – it’s the bee’s knees, and keeps me from being a crumpled pile of broken.
And I didn’t mind pregnancy outside of my gag reflex being too high to have my teeth in, and the fact I kept getting weird muscle constrictions across my chest that constricted my lungs – that was… unpleasant. But I never had to get up to pee at night, and while the sleep wasn’t perfect, it was enough to do the job. And obviously – opting for natural labour again, and now that I know what I’m doing, I’m confident I can do it better//faster!
Yes yes yes on the family thing. We are even thinking of moving closer. I knew I’d need/miss it, but I had no idea just how much.
Nat-what about being a postpartum doula? There are so few of those and so many new moms need help when they get home. You would also have an idea of when you would exactly be needed. Just a thought. I think you would be such an understanding and nurturing doula!