I feel hollow inside today. I think it’s because of a couple of days of missed meds. Oops.

I feel like pregnancy is a private club that I’m not allowed in. I look at the playgroups by dates, the neat little groups of women who get pregnant and have babies together, and I just ache inside. I want to be able to share my joy with others. I want to have a due date, and ultrasound pictures. I certainly don’t begrudge the others for it though – I know that when I do get pregnant it will be even more exciting to me. I’m just impatient. I don’t want to wait anymore.

I’ve been really puttering today… changing sigs, changing the header image for this, fiddling with this and that and the other thing. I have this private page on my website that keeps track of all my friends’ babies birthdates, and a little avatar pic of each kiddo with their birth times and weights and all that fun stuff. I swear, my friends have the cutest babies in the entire world. For some reason I like having that page to look at – you’d think it would make me feel worse, but I guess it gives me hope. Looking at all those smiling, laughing faces… it’s a good thing.

I really need to call the RE’s office to make an appointment. We’re closing in on only a month to go before the magic date, and the weight time is more than likely going to be a lot more than that. I should have called today, but I seized up for some reason. What do I say? “Hi, I want to make an appointment because we’ve been trying for almost a year – but the actual appointment can’t be until after that date”? Well, okay, actually that sounds pretty good. But I just froze for some reason. For all my talk of pushing forward and getting things done and the relief and excitement (if you can call it that) of actually doing something instead of waiting… and I guess it just comes down to fear. Fear of phones, certainly – but also, fear of admitting it, I suppose. A part of me – a big part of me – wants to cling to this cycle. This cycle could be it! And there’s that feeling of, “Well maybe I should wait until AF comes before calling…” But I know that will be too late. When AF comes there will be 2 weeks left in the countdown, and I will be upset – very upset, and will want an appointment sooner rather than later. So I need to make the phonecall now. Cancel it if we get really great news – but I really do need to make that appointment. Honestly, our chances of conceiving this month are pretty low. There’s nothing new that changes things, to give us more hope – Den’s test results, while they give him a bouyant outlook this month – don’t change anything in terms of upping our chances. If they’re so darn good, then why didn’t we get pregnant two months ago? Four? Eight?? Something hasn’t been aligning right, and I have no reason to believe anything is different this month.

But we’re making a good effort, I assure you that.

Today I actually thought about what dad said to me, about how luck is a mindset. And I was thinking that maybe I should write something. A meditation, if you will. Something like a prayer, if I was religious. Something like… “The body is an amazing thing, and this month it will work with my desires. I believe that we can get pregnant, and that right now processes in my body are making sure it will happen. I believe in myself. I believe that we will get what we have tried so hard for, waited so long for. I believe.” Is that silly? Like I said, I am not religious in the least. I don’t really believe in the paranormal, either. But maybe I just need to work on getting my mind and body aligned. Maybe I need to give meditation a shot.

Okay that did not comfort me one bit. It just makes me worry that maybe my depression is the cuprit… and I know playing the blame game is not what I need right now. I really need to think positively. (Though then I remind myself that I was VERY VERY positive for the first 4 or 5 months or so. I had very high expectations, I went all organic, I exercised, I really truly expected that BFP. So if it didn’t happen then… I can’t exactly blame myself now.)