Opinions
I find I am always trying to figure out what the line is, where the ideal is, between respecting other people and sharing my own beliefs. I find that over the last few years I’ve started understanding that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for other people – and that’s okay. It’s hard to be okay with sometimes. It stems from insecurity, wondering if what I’m doing really is the best thing for me, worrying about being judged. I find that it takes a very strong person to be confident in yourself and your own choices while at the same time fully supporting other people in theirs.
Take breastfeeding. I chose to breastfeed, and I love it – I wouldn’t choose any other way for myself. But I also don’t think formula is the devil, that it will cause kids to be less intelligent, or that parents who feed formula are doing a bad thing. Sometimes I feel sad that a mother isn’t getting to experience the joy in nursing that I do, but then not every woman who nurses feels that same joy anyways. But at the same time I do want to encourage new mothers to nurse, if they have that option. I think it does have benefits and I want to make sure to give encouragement so that someone who is on the fence about it has the tools and support they need to give it a try and hopefully succeed. Plus I would love to see this country move towards more of a breastfeeding norm so that people don’t think it’s weird or shocking to breastfeed in public, or past a year, or at all. (I was really quite shocked when I was pregnant at how many people actually scoffed and laughed at me for stating I was going to breastfeed. But in this culture we’re in right now it’s seen as a really hard, probably-not-achievable thing.)
Or how about natural birth and epidurals. I had good births, and I hope my third one is the same. But the more I learn and talk with others the more I realize that my births are unusually easy. I do think that labor can be a beautiful, wonderful thing to one person, and definitely not to another. Women should be able to choose how they want to handle it, if they want that epidural and IV or not. Though I do think women should know that can cause labor to slow down, pushing to be longer, and does have some possible side-effects such as a spinal headache or being completely numb instead of just dulled. Does that mean every woman who gets an epidural will have that list of things happen? Of course not. I have heard many women speak fondly of their labor-with-an-epidural experience and had it end in a very nice vaginal birth, as planned. But I have also heard women speak of getting one of those side-effects and saying, “I didn’t know that was possible.” At least if you know the information you can choose for yourself.
Those two topics are of course very near and dear to my heart, but it doesn’t stop there and it certainly isn’t limited to baby topics. Every day we live our life we make choices, like what type of car to buy (SUV? Minivan? Used? Brand new?) or what type of food to eat (organic? local? frozen meals? artifical sweeteners?). Where does the baby sleep, when will you start solids, what type of diapers to use, will you keep pets in the house, will you turn on cartoons, will they take a pacifier, will they play with all those plastic lights-and-music toys? Will you see an RE or not? Will you do IUI? IVF? Adopt? Every day we make choices. Other people make different ones. What works for one person may not work for another, and that’s okay. I recognize, however, that the choices we make, the way we speak about our opinions and the way we live our lives all have an effect on other people. Maybe you talking with your friends about how you chose to make your own baby food spurred a friend to look into it themselves. Maybe your recounting of your rough no-epidural-labor confirmed another friend’s decision to get an epidural the moment she walks in the hospital door. Maybe seeing you breastfeeding your baby made a stranger think about giving it a try next time, or encourages a mother to breastfeed in public too.
I try to be respectful, I try not to be pushy. I try to listen. Sometimes I fail – I have been known to be grouchy and spiteful, especially when provoked. I’m working on that. I can look back at the last ten years and see how much I’ve matured. I remember as a teenager seeing things as absolutes. If I’ve learned anything it’s that everything is gray-toned.
You´re right,I used to feel like I was being cocky/awkward when I tried to tell people that the way I do things works for *me*,because so many people want to shove their wonderful methods down your throat and make your own parenting seem like a huge mistake.
It seems that alot of the older mothers (or mothers with more kids that I have) are like that..always flauting their experience,pointing at their “kids” and saying “I did so-and-so with her and look! My way is the best way,after all,Im older than you,I know what Im talking about” bla bla
I find that being a mother isnt something that goes smoothly even after you have a couple of kids.Heck,for some women it doesnt come naturally at all.
You are learning ALL the time,constantly,so with each new phase and each new child,you start over.
What works with one child almost never works with the next,and what worked for you with the first will no longer work for the second because you have less time and more to do once you have 2+ kids etc
Its like when I see some mothers condecending posts after seeing another mother post that her kids watch TV or eat candy…
There´s no need for it,being a parent is hard enough as it is without being put down for every little thing you decide to do,or not do.
With my first,I was overwhelemed with all the advice and “information” that I got from friends,family members,magazines,books etc
Far from helpful,it just made me doubt myself and my self confidence was beyond low..
Now,3 kids later,I dont push my methods on anyone,and I dont let others do the same to me either.If I receive unwated advice,I say “No,thats not for me.But thanks anyway”,and if someone (my MIL for example) starts getting pushy,I simply remind them that these 3 kids are mine,and I will do as I please.
If everyone is happy,well fed and clean,then what you´re doing works :D
Natalie – I hear you. It’s a fine line between sharing information so that others will know more about what you believe, and being seen as forcing your view on others. It’s almost impossible to believe something without thinking it’s better than other options. But you’re also right that the circumstances that led you to your choices are not the same as the circumstances others have.
You mentioned awhile back that you were thinking of going into a birth-related career (lactation consultant? doula? La Leche leader?). Are you still thinking about that?
Natalie – I think you have a very good head on your shoulders.
That being said – I admire you for your ‘opinions’ because you share them without the judgement that often accompanies opinions.
Please don’t change. ;-)
You know – no one…NO ONE I ever knew breastfed. I had NO intention of it…but I tried it in the hospital and enjoyed it. Off we went…and while I faced so much flack from family for doing it (like I was an alien or something LOL) I will tell you I had one friend who like me never knew anyone who had done so. She asked me about it, I told her my opinions, and that was that.
That little tidbit of knowledge? It sparked a courage in her, a curiosity in her enough that she decided to breastfeed her newborn son a few months later. Unfortunately he became extremely sick in the first week and was in the NICU. They commended her for breastfeeding since they truly felt it was the only thing that made the difference in his recovery.
All because one person was unafraid to share their opinion, KWIM?
Keep on it! At the risk of sounding like a hippie….knowledge is power.
Per your previous post… I found that I was more anxious and emotional the whole time I was breastfeeding. It’s been getting better and better since he weaned himself. (And he started the slow weaning himself process at 6 mos.. finished by 9. I’m told it often happens then or at a year.)
And I am one of those for whom birth was traumatic. It was amazing, but also truly awful in lots of ways. Giving birth without any drugs when having a 27 hour labor is very difficult and tiring. I don’t think I could have lasted with enough energy for my 2.5 hr pushing session where they very nearly did a c-section b/c he wouldn’t clear despite my crazy contorted acrobatics if I hadn’t had some sleep due to the epidural.
Oh.. and since it wore off at the end? Let me tell you that it hurts A LOT in your back and giving birth when they’re face up and too big. You don’t always have a lot of choice either when each of you is in distress etc. I don’t recommend my type of birth experience to anyone, but it really wasn’t the hospital’s fault. I think the only reason I was able to have him vaginally was b/c of how open that place is and because of my nurse midwife.
I don’t share all this to try to argue with anyone or anything. It just somehow makes me feel better to express my experience and let others know that there are so many different ones. Mine was pretty rough, but I would do it again for my son.
P.S. Breastfeeding was fabulous for me too when it was working well. When it wasn’t, it was sooo heart wrenching.
I love this post and completely agree….. I really feel that people often make decisions without really knowing why they are making them…. and sometimes, someone sharing thier experience or whatever, will change things for another person.
I feel strongly about not circumcising any children I might have, coming from England, this is the norm. I have noticed that here it is often done just because it is the common thing to do, and without the mothers doing any research on it…. 85% of the worlds male population are uncircumcised, and for good reason. All I want is for people to understand the pros and cons of something before they do it. If they really then think it is the right thing for them to do, I’m all with them…. but I just want people to have knowledge!
It is because of one of your posts Nat, that I realised that I had an ectopic pregnancy…..
I admire you in a million ways, and I love your posts.