Despite having had three consecutive nights of frequently interrupted sleep, it is currently 1:30am, my baby is asleep and I am not. I have been laying in bed in various positions, all of which involving me not sleeping, for the past three hours.

First I cuddled with my husband – a rare treat, indeed – until he fell asleep. Kate stirred, so I shimmied up close to her to soothe her back to sleep, then rolled back away. I fidgeted. My husband snored. I kicked him three times and then hoarsely whispered at him to cut it out. He rolled over. The dog decided to get a drink of water, reminding me that metal dog tags and a metal water bowl are an extremely bad match in the middle of the night – clank clang clang clang… clang clang clang clang. I gritted my teeth until she stopped. How can she be that thirsty at midnight? Finally it was silent again except for the whirrr of the air conditioner. I settled in. My husband snored again. My eyes popped open and glowered at the ceiling.

I marveled at how well Kate was doing. I wasn’t even sleeping right up against her, I was in the middle of the bed, with just my hand reached out, holding hers. Every time she stirred a little bit she squeezed my fingers and drifted off again. She’s growing up, relaxing.

I should have fallen asleep then. If I were tired I certainly would have. Instead I layed awake for another half an hour until I realized my other wrist was bothering me – it has been lately, just from how I’ve been resting my head on my arm. It feels vaguely like the carpel tunnel I get when pregnant; not pain, just a tickle of irritation in the joint, like I need to keep shaking it out. I moved my arm here, there, flexed, straight.

Finally I just said screw this and got up. The baby monitor is on beside me and I am sulking at my laptop. There is silence in the bedroom.

::

Denis just got back from a week-long work trip. (I didn’t mention it until after the fact because I don’t like mentioning online that I’m home alone!) I was a little nervous about it but he had no choice in the matter and for the last few months I’ve just been hoping that by 3 months old she’d be far enough along that I could handle it. And you know what? It totally was. If it were a month ago I think I would have had several breakdowns, but we handled the week with grace, not one crying fit (from me – lots from Kate, lol).

I really think we’ve turned a corner. She’s happy in the bouncer, happy on her playmat, can be distracted with toys and funny faces. She’s interested in the world around her. More and more I see her happy personality coming out, and much less of her angry-at-the-world. Plus when she is annoyed with something she’s learned to “ask” me (by whining or grumping) rather than freaking out screaming at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I “entertained” her by putting her in the bouncer and cleaning my kitchen. I find that funny, but I have a clean kitchen and a happy child.

Unfortunately the last three nights were just not good. They weren’t terrible – she wasn’t screaming for hours or anything – but she was waking up every hour, squirming and kicking me and making little whines, sometimes little cries. I’d nurse her for a little bit, but she’d still flail around a little bit before falling back asleep. That’s just not normal for her, she’s always slept SO good at night. So last night when she woke me up for about the sixth time, and I had already changed her diaper in the middle of the night (which I never have to do), I thought to myself that something was just not right. She’s still a little stuffy, but not as much as before. A little gassy, maybe that was it? And the day before she had been very… fickle, laughing and crying in the same breath. I started thinking about an ear infection, given how stuffed up she’d been the past week. I was going to just wait and see, but I reminded myself of the last few times I shrugged something minor off and waited a while. So I took her in, just as a precaution.

I felt kind of foolish, taking my baby for a “sick” visit as she sat on my knee in the waiting room, looking around alertly, babbling and flapping her arms, smiling coyly at anyone who glanced her way. I justified it by telling myself that it’s worth the co-pay to rule it out so I can focus on figuring out why she isn’t sleeping well. The doctor looked her over (while Kate squealed and kicked her legs happily), chit chatted with me. Looked in her left ear. “That’s fine.” Looked in the right ear. “Ohhhhhh, there we go.”

So yeah, my happy baby has an ear infection. Some antibiotics and hopefully she’ll be right as rain in a few days. I’m feeling relieved that I listened to my mama intuition.