Today is Devin’s second birthday.

I’ve been obsessing – again – over baby names, and getting progressively more upset about it. I write down names on scraps of paper, I hold them up to ultrasound pictures, I whisper them under my breath to my belly. I still mostly like both of our name choices (but with some reservations/dislikes about each). If I mess around and combine the two names I can find something that makes me excited. But Denis refuses to venture beyond those two names, they are set in stone to him and he is just. so. done. listening to me. “I don’t know what you want me to say!” he says in exasperation after I’ve reiterated the same thing for the tenth time. Yesterday I was sitting at work feeling anxious and frustrated – overwhelmed, really. It wasn’t until I was driving home that I started thinking that maybe there was more to this than being indecisive about a name.

I’ve been planning the party: making the dinner list, making the invite list, buying the ingredients, planning out my prep and cleaning time. I had everything under control until yesterday we were out all day so I got nothing accomplished, then today I came home to get started and Denis wasn’t home yet. I completely melted down, sobbing. And while my head was screaming about cleaning and food preparation, my heart was just simply crying. All of it just bubbled up, turning into a small frustration into a big emotional deal. Not 5 minutes later Den walked in the door and found me like that, face red and eyes glittering with tears.

I am sure that the party tomorrow night we be just fine, I just need to give myself the time and space to grieve and feel sad. I’ve been so wrapped up in this baby I am carrying that I haven’t been thinking of Devin much – he’s always present in our lives, our conversations, but I just don’t think too hard about what we are missing. Not that I feel guilty about that at all, right now she’s who I need to focus on, and I am so glad we have something happy to spend our time and energy on. But apparently if I don’t make the time, it will come bubbling out sooner or later, piled on top of whatever else I am struggling with.

Happy birthday, baby boy. We miss you every day – it’s hard to believe it’s been 2 years. I still picture you as my sweet little newborn, perfect and innocent in my arms. Even though time passes, you will never grow up in our hearts. We love you more than you ever knew, and we carry that around with us, forever.

Devin’s birthday present, engraved:
“Always in our hearts
For Devin, 2 years”