Life goes on for me
This past week someone at Den’s work lost their wife to cancer. I don’t know the pain of losing a spouse – and hope I never will – but I grieve for him, for his emptiness, for his loss. I wish I could do something to help, somehow, but that’s the shit thing about loss: there’s absolutely nothing that can make it “better.” Words really do feel far too trite and contrived for such a horrible loss.
::
We went out for dinner this evening, for a nice hibachi meal. If you didn’t know, hibachi is done with several parties seated at the same table around a large grill that they cook the food on. We go early enough that normally it’s just us at a table by ourselves, but today another couple was seated at our table – and she was obviously, roundly pregnant.
My first reaction, to be honest, was to look away and think to myself, “Why me, why my table?” Before of course I realized that I am pregnant too. But that flinch is still there.
When asked if we all want saki the husband leaned over to pat his wife’s belly, “Oh no, not her, she’s pregnant!”
It occurred to me a few times to say, “Me too!” but I kept it to myself. It just didn’t feel right to share. Or necessary, for that matter.
“You’re not so obvious,” Den said, referring to my small, just-rounding-out belly. But I thought about it in the greater context of behavior and attitude. No I’m not – and I probably never will be again.
::
I find myself in transition.
Four nights ago, in the middle of the night as I layed in bed with my laptop, I felt gentle, minute little pokes in my lower belly. I held my breath and waited, and it came again. The next night, watching TV, I again felt little pokes. I laughed out loud as I told Den. I felt giddy. I honestly did not expect to feel anything at all for weeks more yet, due to my anterior placenta. I haven’t felt anything since, but I’m guessing that the baby has to be in just the right position for me to feel anything yet.
I am greedy still. I want to feel more movement, and I eagerly await getting a bigger, rounder, fuller belly. I feel it coming and am now getting little tastes of what it was like. It makes me so excited to be moving in that direction. In a way it feels like I’ve just been ghost-pregnant, still waiting for the reality of it to come.
I wasn’t as obvious when I was pregnant with Erin. I just didn’t want the inevitable “is this your first?” I was jealous too, of other pregnant women. I was envious of their happy-go-lucky expectation that being pregnant obviously meant that a baby was coming home.
As for the movement, I had an anterior placenta with Erin. I felt my first movements at 15 or so weeks. But they really didn’t get STRONG or very very regular for quite a while after that. I was also surprised I’d feel it so soon, but it wasn’t that I didn’t feel it, it just felt….cushioned.
YAY for movement!!
Oh God I love the movement. :)
Movement..yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
15 weeks, damn not much longer and you’ll be half baked!
Hooray for movement!! I was glad my comment about feeling it much sooner the second time even with an anterior placenta gave you hope, and now I’m super glad you’ve felt it this early! I think the exact position of the placenta and baby do make a difference (Austin’s placenta was anterior and low-lying, Sierra’s anterior but high, and I felt her much earlier, but not every day at first – like you say), and, of course, the second time you know what the movement feels like.
Feeling pokes is GREAT NEWS!!!! I’m so glad the anterior placenta isn’t preventing that altogether.
On a sadder note, I’m so sorry for Den’s coworker and his wife. That’s a pain that I truly dread experiencing, since my husband will probably go before me.
This was a nice post.
Dealing with the same thing today, re. friend’s loss of a spouse. Really knocks you for a loop, even when you don’t know them well. :(
I’m so happy you are feeling movement already!!
yay for movement! when I felt something around 14-16 weeks, I would just say it was gas at first! lol! But when it was more constant, I knew it was the baby! So happy for you! I can’t wait for the day when you post and say you felt a real good kick!
Hi, here through the blog roundup..and I often felt that way…even as my twins will turn 2 in January sometimes I feel like such a fake..”was I really pregnant” I’ll often ask my husband.
so I do know how you feel, this post was very nice and I just hope for you that the next few months are filled with hopeful, beautiful moments as you wait for your baby to come to you.
…here from FBR. Ghost-pregnant is such a good description. I feel that way right now at 8wks. Despite that I feel so sick, it’s not real to me, especially after a loss.
I’m so sorry you lost your first son. My mother-in-law lost her first at full term and we always talk about her as having four children, her first and the three surviving. You could tell people this is your second and if they ask how old, then you can say something about your loss if you feel comfortable. If they don’t ask, then fine. He will always be your first and you knew him while he was alive even if you hadn’t met him yet.
Best of luck with your growing baby!
I totally know what you mean about feeling that wince of pain when you see a pregnant woman, and then remembering that you’re pregnant too. That was really hard for me for the first few months. I didn’t have anything near the experience you did, but I was so careful to distance myself emotionally from this potential baby. I refused to call him by his name, even. I was just so scared of losing him.
He was born 10 weeks early, and all those weeks he was in the NICU I would look at women with big round bellies with such envy. And heaven forbid someone complain about how uncomfortable it was to be 8 months pregnant in my presence… It took a while to get past all of that.
I’m so glad things are going well for you! I know you haven’t got a clue who I am, but I read your blog and am following your story, and I keep you and your family in my thoughts. :-)