Paranoid Days
Today was a rough day on me mentally, and I’m not even really sure why. I slept all night through, waking up only with a generous helping from my alarm clock. But immediately upon opening my eyes my thought was, What if the baby’s dead? It sounds stupid, even to me, it’s not like I had ANY reason to think it, but those thoughts don’t easily get shaken off. So all day I was a little paranoid, constantly “checking in” with my body. Where is that twinge coming from? Is that stomach gas or a cramp? It also started to worry in the back of my mind that I didn’t even know when I was in early labor with Devin. I’m sure that will become more of a worry as I go along. How can I watch out for premature labor when I didn’t even notice actual labor when I was being induced?
But the day revealed no catastrophe, no change in symptoms, no problems (other than some gas – which is probably what was pressing on my insides earlier in the day). It’s a relief, but at the same time I’m still left a little lackluster. Tonight I really wish I had a doppler so I could just quickly check in with the bubs, reassure myself that it’s still alive. That’s all I need. Just a two-second reassurance.
On the doppler front, I am still highly undecided, but actually leaning away from renting one. Why? Because I have a strong feeling that I’d freak myself out. That it would be fine for a while, then one night I’d have trouble locating the heartbeat and then I would have a complete and utter meltdown and end up in the ER. I really like the fact that at least if my doctor can’t find it right away I can get an immediate ultrasound. Those 15 minutes at my 10 week appointment, between her taking out the doppler and me getting to see the baby on the screen? Ten times more horrible than this mild, vague unease I have the rest of the time. I do not want to put myself through that if I can avoid it. So I’m actually going to talk with my doctor about it on Wednesday at my appointment – I’ll tell him everything I’ve said here, how I need some kind of frequent reassurance but I’m not sure what to do about it. He may just have me come in more often, and while that would be highly inconvenient for my work schedule, that would at least provide a solution. But then not finding the heartbeat by doppler was at 10 weeks, and I’m now over 13. It’s not likely to happen again.
I know it’ll get better once I start feeling kicks. But right now going 2 weeks with NO indication from baby… it’s a little crazy-making. And I’m looking at at least another 4 weeks before I start to feel anything at all (anterior placenta, remember).
For now what I did was empty my bladder, lay on my bed, and do a quick uterus feel. Wow! It’s sure moved up a lot. At first I felt the top of it and was like, okay, whew, there it is. Then I kept feeling down and down and finally there was my pubic bone. Definitely getting a lot easier to feel… grapefruit, indeed.
I guess I just feel reassured by that physical contact. It has been hard to go from Devin, third-trimester active mover, to the beginning of pregnancy again. I know it would have been even harder had I gotten pregnant sooner. I don’t really know what I expected, exactly – I mean, of COURSE early pregnancy is so much different. That’s obvious. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how disconnected it would feel, being unable to see or feel anything. (Other than the nausea, and that’s different from being able to feel your baby move.) There are times I find myself daydreaming about how it felt with Devin. I’m both looking forward to it again and missing it so very much. I remember how I could “play” with Devin, pushing on his little feet poking out of my belly. To someone who never got to see her baby born alive…. that is the memory I hang on to.
Feeling my uterus coming up is a like a little window back into that world again. It grounds me, reminds me of what’s there, connects me to the baby in a physical way. Hopefully one day in the near future I’ll get to play with this little one too.
Get ready hon, it’s gonna be a long bumpy ride. I think in the second trimester, when you’re out of the woods of the 1st trimester and able to feel the kicks, but yet the baby wouldn’t be viable (meaning there is nothing you can do to prevent something from happening) was the most reassuring time for me. Now that I’m in the third trimester and there is supposedly a short period of time that the baby could be saved if something went wrong, I am on constant alert.
But luckily, so many of us here are going through it and we’re here to support each other.
I can’t wait for you to get the reassuring kicks!
*hugs*
It is so normal to feel paranoid during pregnancy, especially if you’ve had a loss before. I am addicted to my doppler. I’ve been listening to my baby’s heartbeat twice daily since I was 9 weeks pregnant. Obsessive, yes. But it keeps my mind at ease.
I really do recommend buying a doppler. I have never been unable to find the heartbeat and I have gotten nothing but reassurance from it. I even used it with my last pregnancy as well. You tend to think you won’t need the doppler once the baby starts moving, but inevitably there are days in which the baby doesn’t move as much, or many hours will pass without feeling anything. I used mmy doppler up until the day I went into labor.
Hang in there. Your little one is absolutely fine, but there’s nothing wrong with buying yourself a little reassurance either. :)
Nat –
I usto do the same thing…wake up thinking what if something happened to her…(granted I didnt have the heart ache you have had) but when that thought would cross my mind Id get my doppler and my mind would be at ease….I think you should get one cause I think it might make you feel better on those off days!
Wow! you go away for a couple of months and look what happens!! How cool is this – awesome news for you and your beloved! Beautiful bubby on the way – how jealous am I?!!
Just a suggestion…There are many doppler rental companies. We used Baby Beat out of Colorado. The website is http://www.babybeat.com. They have decent rental pricing, flexible terms, and good customer service. I have no affiliation, I just appreciate good service when I see it and like to pass that on!
After each of my miscarriages I became pregnant again right away. I never felt secure until I felt those baby movements either. Just a couple more months and you’ll get to feel him or her!
i completely understand your bittersweet feelings about a doppler. i have to say though i bought a hi bebe bt-200 off of amazon for 115 bucks. it came with a small bottle of gel and a big bottle of gel. i paid for the overnight shipping and it was 30? expensive yes, but i couldn’t wait! :)
i have never been able to not find the heartbeat. it also has a screen that is fairly accurate. hb is usually around 150-165
the first time i tried it, it took me a littleee bit to find it. i just made sure to use plenty of gel and to press down and use small movements. now i find the heartbeat right away usually, sometimes it takes about 2 minutes, because baby is active!
my issue is that i have a fear that i will go into the docs office and they will say my baby has no heartbeat and hasn’t had one in so and so many days/weeks. :( i love the doppler…couldn’t live without it!
http://www.semedicalsupply.com/babysound_b.htm
I lurk on here all the time but wanted to pop out to share this link with you. I bought this during my second pregnancy because I was also constantly worried about something happening and just needed that reassurance of my baby’s heartbeat. I was able to pick it up with this doppler just before 12weeks and that was through the not-so-flat belly of a size 11 gal ;)
I looked forever online for dopplers and jumped for joy when I found this. It worked wonderfully once I got the hang of how to hold it at the right angle and was a life-saver! Its $45 which is a steal and since it worked so great, Im constantly telling people about it. Just wanted to share in case you might be interested! Good luck on the hunt and CONGRATS!! on your sweet little baby! I hope your pregnancy is completely normal, healthy and boring <3
hey nat i rented a doppler from babybeat too and since 7w5d have found the heartbeat. now i’m 34 weeks and i still use it. the paranoia doesn’t leave but the doppler helps. also, once you are as far along as you are i think finding the heartbeat is usually not an issue (especially given your size). for me sometimes it took 30 seconds, sometimes a minute or so but after about 12-14 weeks it was quick. but i get your not wanting to add to your paranoia. :) hang in there!!!!!
Why not go back to the doctor for a little listen? They really won’t mind. I decided against the doppler when I saw my doctor struggling to find a heartbeat once. If that were me, I would be hysterical all night long.
At least I am feeling movement so that has made me a bit more calm. You are only a few weeks behind me, right? Once you feel baby, you’ll have more daily assurance.
You are at the point now where it would be very unlikely that you could not find the heartbeat with an at home doppler. I say get it…the peace of mind is worth it. you don’t even have to rent one. Buy one and then sell it and get most of your money back.