Walk Away
I really feel like I’ve been losing it the last few days. I’ve been getting progressively better about seeing babies at work, to the point where most days I don’t really think twice about it, but today it made me want to cry. I’m so close, and yet so far away. No one and nothing can assure me how this cycle will turn out, and I feel as far away from getting pregnant now as I did 3 years ago. Add to it the thoughts about how Devin should be laughing and smiling and I had to turn away briefly to regroup. My heart aches.
The progesterone is giving me a run for my money. I have all of the symptoms: hunger, gagging, bloating, aching, odd tastes and cravings. I still can’t even fit into my regular work pants, I walk around with the top unbuttoned all day. And these were pants that were loose on me a few weeks ago, before stims. Of course I know damn well all of it is still the progesterone – even if I am pregnant, I wouldn’t be having any signs of it yet. On one hand all these things remind me of what I could have in a few short days…. but on the other hand it’s a painful tweak to be constantly reminded.
My emotions are very rough around the edges, and I am slowly fraying inwards. Everything I see and hear and feel and do just feels raw. Joy makes me jealous; pain makes me scared; anger makes me disillusioned. I have been struggling to keep my head above water here, to take a step back and let it go, but I just really can’t right now. Progesterone and estrogen tipping my hormones while anxiety strings me tight waiting for my beta. I am far too empathic right now, picking up and feeding off of every emotion I run into.
I need to hermit for a little while, to give myself some breathing room. I am taking a break for a few days, putting the computer down, getting away. Den and I need to re-connect with each other, and I need to re-balance myself. I’ll be back, hopefully when I’m on the other side of this.
I’m sorry to hear that this has been rough for you.. I cannot imagine how you must feel and what you are going through…I hope that this comes out with the best results ever! As well as everyone else I am sure…I’ve said it over and over again..no one deserves this more than you-that i am sure of. Have a great time on your trip girl…I hope this helps you:) Best of luck…I will keep you in my thoughts:)
Remember…It’s okay to break down and cry…no one has a right to tell you it’s not right…you feel the way you do for a reason…
I think a breather to rebalance is always a good thing. I have to consciously do that from time to time (and I’m terrible about allowing myself the chance!). Enjoy your hermit-hood and see you back here soon, I hope.
Keeping you and Den (and Devin) in my thoughts and prayers as you struggle to get through the next week. Keeping my fingers (and every other part possible) crossed for a good outcome for you. Enjoy your time away with Den!
Keeping all of you in my thoughts.
It’s so good you and Den can take some time to relax and connect. Have a wonderful time together!
I’m sorry Nat. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better. Even in small part.
Hugs. Thinking of you, Nat.