It’s coming
Suddenly today I’ve started getting really, really anxious. I did meditate for an hour at noon, which helped me settle down for a little bit. I didn’t want to just sleep the day away so afterwards I made myself get up, go out, and get some work done.
I triggered at 5:30. Yes, that’s 2 hours earlier than scheduled. Den and I decided to do another 38 hour interval instead of the typical 36. It’s my last-ditch effort to help my eggs mature that last little bit. (We’ve done a 38 hour interval before, with no ill effects, but it’s always a little nerve-wracking.) As I was preparing the shot I was getting a little flushed and sweaty, just from nerves about the IM shot. I went over with Den again how to do it, gave him the needle, leaned forward. I felt a poke and he said, “Shit! It wouldn’t go in!” and I was like damnit, do you have to do it again?! But no, it was already in and I didn’t feel anything beyond the poke. Awesome. That buttcheek was a tiny tiny bit sore for the next hour or two, but nothing like what I was fearing. (I didn’t use an ice pack or anything this time. I’m done with the stupid ice. I think the freezing hurts more than the needle pokes.)
So that being done I just sit here and fret. About everything. The trigger, the follicle count, how fast they grew in the last day, my general proclivity towards immature eggs, the possibility that even the mature ones won’t fertilize, and so on and so forth. I am just sitting here, rubbing my belly, hoping beyond hope that everything is growing properly in there. I wish I could check on them, I wish I had some kind of little ball that told me how many of them were going to be any good. I have all my data plugged into my spreadsheet, but there comes a point at around IVF #5 that you realize that data is great for review but sucks at predicting anything at all. I could sit here for years comparing cycles and E2 levels and follicle counts and I would still have no better clue what’s going to happen on tuesday than taking a wild guess.
Pretty much just pacing the house today. Watched a movie. Went to the bank. Meditated. It was a whole lot of “nothing to do” with a lot of “stressing” to fill it with. Ugh. I might try another massage therapist this week, if I can… I still don’t feel like I’ve found the right person, and I really think some de-stressing would be great right about now. Any other suggestions for short-notice stress relief?
It’s so weird to have an entire day between trigger and retrieval. At least I have a lot of work to do in that time to make up for the day I’ll be missing, but agh. I want to be in retrieval now!
Hoping the next nearly 38 hours passes quickly and calmly, and that your eggs do what they need to do.
Breathe and relax. No point in stressing now when you’ve been doing great so far =) I have everything crossed for Tuesday!
I’ve been following your blog for quite some time and I just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your current IVF cycle. I check in daily to see how things are progressing in your cycle and my fingers are crossed that good news will be coming your way soon. You’re in my thoughts! Good luck!!
Wishing you all the best, Nat. I’ve been stressing myself these last several days. Petting my cat, gardening, and going for a walk have been helpful stress relievers for me. Nothing works all the time though. I keep repeating to myself that I can’t control this cycle, that I need to have some faith and live in the moment. (Very, very hard!!!!) Gotta try, though. I hope that you can live in the moment a little bit for the next 24 hours….I think of you often….
Glad the trigger went well. We do ours tonight so I’ll be a day behind you.
Another massage might be good. Did you manage to get any guided visualization exercises? I went to have a thai back massage today and it worked wonders. Like you, I also plan to do a lot of work between now and retrieval. Aidan also wants to take me to see some caves tomorrow – to get his mind and mine off of what we need to do on Wednesday morning. I’ve also scheduled an aromatherapy massage for Thursday because I have a feeling that the knots will be back in my shoulders over the next few days.
Thinking positive thoughts about you and mature eggs!!!!!
I’m crossing everything for a good big handful of beautiful, mature eggs tomorrow. Trigger is such a “point of no return” moment – of course it’s going to be stressful.
I don’t have any ideas for short-notice stress relief, other than everything you’re already doing. Maybe find a movie/show that you know will make you laugh, and watch it tonight? And get hubby to rub your feet at the same time? :)
Your little ones sound good (from yesterday’s post)- I am soooo rooting for you that this time it’s smooth and easy. So far so good.
Past performance does NOT have anything to do with this cycle. This is a numbers thing and this very well could be your time.
Good luck tomorrow- stay calm and be nice to yourself.
I wish you lived closer…I’d drag you out and entertain you with my wit and charm (ha!). I’m thinking lots and lots of positive thoughts for those eggs of yours. I remember every trigger sending me into a whole new panic even if I was calm before hand.
Short notice stress relief. This last cycle, I just didn’t leave myself time. I picked up all the books I’d been meaning to read, all the movies that crack me up (I think I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall like 5 times). I didn’t leave myself but 5 minutes to think, let alone stress. I even had to make a second trip to BN to pick up a ton more books to keep the distractions going. I wanted to get a massage but for me, it was too quiet. Too much time to think. I don’t think everyone is like that, but for me, going to sleep, meditation…those are some of the most stressful parts of my day during a cycle.
Have you every thought about having Reiki massage? I find that this type of massage always make me feel more balanced and centered.
S, I haven’t tried that one yet – but maybe I will if I can find someone who does it. :)