This afternoon, done work for the week, I sat in bed with my laptop. The shades were up, the windows were open, the sun was shining and the birds were singing. It felt beautiful. I felt the darkness lift off my shoulders like a physical, tangible thing. Summer returned for a day, and I breathe in deep and let out a long-held sigh.

It is obvious that my moods are highly linked to the weather, though certainly not all. How much is the weather, how much is hormonal, how much is circumstantial… I do not know. But it is definitely related. These past few weeks have been darkly overcast and non-stop rain, and I know it added to the rest of the mess. My good days almost always fall on bright, sunny, warm days. It’s why I love spring so much. And why I love the snow, too. The winters here aren’t that bad, because the snow is bright and the sun shines frequently. It can get bitterly cold, but I don’t mind the snow half as much as the rain.

I wonder if living near Vancouver was part of the problem when I was a teenager. It certainly couldn’t have helped the depression as it took over.

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My period this cycle is going for the title of “longest period ever.” For me, at least. Day 7, still spotting heavily. In one way I’m like, Hurry it up! Enough already!! But in another way I think I’m kind of glad. I feel like this is letting go of all the previous cycles, the miscarriage, everything. This is my third period since the surgery, so it’s not like this is the first one, but still. I’m glad.

I’m glad in a way that this cycle is unmedicated, too. No pills, no hormones, no messing with my body chemistry. A chance to flush everything out of my system and start again.

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I’m trying not to think too hard about all the time that is in front of me, that the entire summer will be gone by the time we get started again. All I can do – all I’ve been able to do for a long time – is set my sight two weeks ahead. Little chunks at a time, and it passes quicker, without notice. It’s when I stop to get my bearings that I burst into tears, realizing how far we have walked empty-handed, and how far we still have to go. No, much easier to keep my head down and focus on avoiding the cracks in the cement. Just keep walking.