I’m losing it
I was fine with the news. It sucked, but honestly it’s kind of expected. Did I REALLY think I could get pregnant two cycles in a row? Did I REALLY think my luck was that good? So the beta confirmed that I am indeed NOT pregnant, as I expected.
What I did NOT expect, however, was for them to tell me that the lab is closing down next month, so I’ll have to sit out a cycle. The lab re-opens on August 15… so that’s when I can start my stims cycle. Two months of doing NOTHING! Two months of sitting around just waiting. Another two months of being not pregnant. And that is when I started feeling hazy and angry and wanting to throw my cell phone out my car window. (Which I would never do because it is pink and I love it – but, you know, I just wanted some kind of handy projectile to shatter on the highway.)
The negatives, I can handle. The doing it all over again, I can handle. The mockery that is my “luck,” I can handle. But I cannot handle waiting. The entire summer, wasting my time. Another three months from this point in time that I may (or may not) be pregnant. Hasn’t this gone on long enough? Haven’t I waited long enough?
But like I said to Kel, there’s nothing to do. It would be different if we had done 4 fresh + 2 frozen cycles and gotten absolutely nothing, then I’d be ready to move on to donor eggs. But this? We know it works!! I had a beautiful baby boy. I got pregnant again, just in the wrong spot. It’s so fucking close! It’s possible, it’s achievable. It’s just a question of how long do we have to wait for it.
Everyone says, you need to take some time off. To relax. I say, bullshit. What I need is to get pregnant, and sitting around doing nothing is NOT going to get me pregnant. I have obstinate eggs and only one tube – and I gave up hope of ever getting pregnant naturally long before I lost that tube. Sane people don’t bank on winning the lottery – especially people who tend to lose every lottery they have ever entered… and some they didn’t. Time off only serves to make me pissed off and frustrated. Trust me, I am pissed off and frustrated enough as it is.
But there is nothing to do but waste my entire summer doing NOTHING. It even looks like it’s going to be a crappy fucking summer, weather-wise… mid-June and we’ve had a week of rain and are looking at another one. I feel like I’m back in Vancouver (which does not in any way inspire a happy nostalgic feeling). Predictions do not show a happy sunny warm summer.
I guess there are two very minor positives that come out of this delay (the kind that I really don’t care about, but it’s something I guess): I don’t have to worry about taking more days off work mid-summer when everyone’s on vacation; and my next cycle’s due date won’t be in April. Oh, and I’m going to visit Kel… just have to figure out when.
Oh, girl- this really sucks. What kind of medical organization closes down? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Can you take the time to find another f—ing RE so you don’t have to worry about other impending closures, like in December?
I don’t think anyone not in our shoes understands what waiting is like for us. I mean, I can wait for 6 flags to open, I can wait to see my family this weekened. I CANNOT and NEVER will get used to waiting for the one thing I want more than anything else. Believe me when I say, I understand how that feels and it feels like shit. No positive words for you at the moment, because I don’t want to trivialize what you are feeling right now.
I am the same- waiting=misery. I’m sorry. Maybe they can refer you somewhere else for the two months?
First, I need to say that I TOTALLY LOVE your hair!!! It looks so great on you!
I’m so sorry about this cycle. Makes me mad. And waiting. I agree with you- I hate waiting. That is the worst. And I also agree with you about the “relaxing” crap.
Aw Nat I’m sorry. I can’t believe that your lab is closing. I think it’s not only inappropriate for a medical facility to close, it’s cruel if they’re dealing with fertility patients!
I would talk to your RE about findnig another clinic, or maybe it’s time to find a new RE?
HUGS girl.
Ashley – They’re the only clinic in this area (within an hour driving), and if I did switch I’d have to spend months getting a consult and getting set up before starting IVF. So it’s lose-lose there.
I’m sorry–was going to suggest going to another clinic, too. How far are you from Boston?
About an hour and a half away.
I am so, so sorry – that is truly awful and frustrating!!! I think anyone who has been through IF can relate to the concept that waiting is truly one of the worst tortures out there. Even BFNs are better than waiting in some ways- at least you are doing something, learning, making progress towards your end goal, etc.
That truly stinks though. And a 2 month shut down is totally eggregious on the part of your RE’s clinic- 2 months??? W.T.F.!
I agree – waiting sucks big hairy donkey balls. And what people don’t understand is that waiting is just about the LEAST relaxing thing we could be doing. It’s like being held underwater. Is it REALLY so surprising that I’m “obsessed” with my next chance to come up for air again?
I hope you have the best possible visit with Kel.
Waiting is awful. I’m sorry you’ll have to do so much of it this summer. I myself am kind of an expert at waiting, but I have no helpful suggestions because I suck at it.
Shilpa – I don’t think they’re shut down for 2 months, but I probably missed cut-off for cycling just by a little bit, since I’d be stimming/transferring in late July.
Looking at my calendar…. I’m willing to bet they are closed for the first two weeks of August. If I started the BCP with this period I would be transferring around August 4, pushing me into their closed dates. So yeah, I missed it by a few days it seems…
I’ve tried to explain the whole needing to Do Something, and not being able to wait, and so many of them just don’t understand it.
But I understand, and god, would be so angry and miserable if it were me in your shoes. I wish there were some way around it.
i feel for you i really do….i sooo wish things were different…GRRRR…It makes me so angry(of course you are just as angry i bet) but like you say it WILL happen because it wasn’t a fluke that you got pregnant with Devin and again for a second time…
On a brighter note, you said you wanted to enjoy your six flags pass…and who knows…(probably slim but nothing is every 100% right) but there could be that miracle that in 2 months..i know it could be wishful thinking but you could maybe get pregnant on your own..wouldnt that be just the most ultimate amazing thing…(like i said slim chance but nothing is ever written in stone)
Just about at the end of my own not-by-choice 2 month + break, nothing but sympathy here.
Is there any chance you could/would do an antagonist cycle? The timing could work? Personally I found doing an antagonist cycle wonderful, both for how it was in the cycle (so fast, little side-effects) and also the results (7 out of 7 mature eggs fertilised, 6 good enough to get to blasts, 5 frozen or tx)
Waiting sucks…I’m so not a patient person so I can understand your frustration. The weather has been crappy but hopefully it will pick up and maybe you can use your six flags passes to pass the time. I’m s sorry you have a 2 month delay…I hope the time passes quickly and then you will have good luck your next cycle!
That sucks!!!! I can’t believe they are closing down until then. I’ve never heard of such a thing!
So sorry about everything, Nat. Indeed, waiting really sucks.
Ah, 2 weeks shut down sounds much more normal. I never understood why they need to shut at all, but someone told me that they need to clean the machines and stuff. I guess that makes sense :-(
Anyway, hang in there. Waiting is the absolute WORST!!!!!
(There’s no BCP manipulation that can be done to make you not miss the cutoff, is there? Probably not…)
I am so sorry. That you have to wait, that you have to keep trying, your “luck”… for all of it.
Thinking of you.
xxx
Omg, Nat. I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be. And you’d think that your clinic would have some kind of plan set up while they “clean” or whatever. *Big, big HUGS*
Oh Nat, I’m so, so sorry.
Sorry
That does blow. I love your hair too, btw. I have been toying with the idea of cutting it from mid-back length to a shoulder length bob for about a year. Do you love it?!
In any case, we can be “waiting” buddies. After my last m/c I had this weird persistent HCG that just recently got down to negative 5 and 1/2 months after my D&C. I had a few shots of methotrexate in the process and now have to wait all summer (and then some) before I can ttc again. I too have frustrations about wasting time…getting older, a few less cycles means a few less chances. A few fewer months with my precious baby, should it ever arrive. A few more months of watching friends successfully conceive first and second (and third) babies as I am so cruelly denied… I COMPLETELY agree that more time is the worst thing for an IFer.
I too have that gut feeling that it is possible for me, but comes down to a waiting game. So I hear you. And I know that somehow we will get through it. It might help to have someone to commiserate with in the meantime. And I will be in waiting probably until at least december (I’m hoping they don’t ask me to wait a year…they’re treating it like a molar pregnancy even tho there was no molar tissue detected).
It sucks. I know. There’s really no way around it. We have to go through it. And be as productive and positive as we can be with the time.
Wow, Astrid, that blows!! How freaking crappy to have to wait until at least December. I really hope all this time waiting is worth it…. for both of us.
As for the hair… I think going chin-length was a tad too short for me, but I definitely love it being somewhere between chin and shoulder length. But it all depends on the shape of your face and your preferences! I say do it!
Shit! I’m sorry. x