Does it really matter how you got there?
To answer the question on everyone’s mind: no, I do not have any pregnancy symptoms. Nothing at all. Which is not at all surprizing. In fact I was thinking about how early I was feeling symptoms in April and then realized, duh, it was ectopic so of course I was feeling it more. Tubes are not nearly as adept at dealing with an embryo implanting. (But even in that cycle I didn’t have any cramping or anything until after I tested positive.)
Tomorrow will be monday and I have not had to fight off the slightest inclination to test early. Which may very well be the first time that has happened.
To be honest I do not feel positive at all about the outcome of this cycle… which is the same way I feel every cycle now. My heart is so guarded I don’t even let myself go “there,” I just don’t picture it. I try to just run on the assumption that I’m not pregnant and make plans from there.
Now excuse me while I ramble on about philosophy and fate. Feel free to skip.
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This morning I found myself laying in bed thinking about Fatalism and Free Will. I quite obviously do not believe in a maker, a god – there is no question in my mind about that. I for some reason always thought the non-god version of the world was pretty straightforward. Then Saturday night I found myself reading the Wikipedia article about Fatalism, thinking, Well that sounds nonsensical. But the morning dawned with me puzzling over it, especially in the context of the crappy events in my life.
It boils down to one question: are our lives on a set path, or not. It’s a question that doesn’t bother with the why – it doesn’t matter if you think it’s because of a god making the decisions or if it’s just “fate” or “the way things are.” Either way there is a fundamental question of what is possible.
You hear it sometimes from people not really intending to suggest such a philosophical issue: “It was meant to be,” “Whatever will happen will happen.”
On one side is fate. Your decisions all lead to the same end game. I was destined to get married to this man, struggle with infertility, get pregnant that particular cycle, conceive a baby boy through IVF, who would then die in the womb. It wasn’t coincidence, it was the path my life laid out for me. In a way I can understand that viewpoint. Since I am standing in one place looking backwards I can see how every decision in my life inevitably brought me to the place where I now stand. It could be a comforting thought: my life will take me to where I need to go. There is certainly a kind of freedom in giving up control. But the downside is that in this imagined world you have no choice, no freedom – whatever you think you have is just an illusion. It doesn’t matter if you can see the bus coming, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
The other side of the debate is free will. If you as an individual have the ability to make decisions that change something, it means there is no fate, no destiny. It means there is a tree of endless possibilities among which somewhere our life paths will travel, switching paths at every juncture. That’s where it’s easy to fall into the paranoia. If I make this small decision, that could lead to a circumstance that would necessitate this decision that could lead to some horrible event. Suddenly choosing a paint color feels like an overwhelming life decision. Maybe, if I had painted the room blue instead of green, I’d have a baby. Crazy thought? Maybe. (But you can’t tell me you don’t have them.)
Of course there are some – maybe many – who believe that it’s half and half… that there is a larger “plan”, but the details are left up to chance and free will. I think once you wade into that realm you’re left requiring a higher power making those judgement calls as to what fits into the plan and what is inconsequential. I don’t think the nature argument works well with this halfsies idea.
As for me, I think I fall within the free will camp, though I picture it less of “free will” and more of chance. Luck. Nature’s laws. I do see a tree of timelines, I do overanalyze my choices. That’s always been a problem for me. We as humans can make choices that affect our future, but I do feel like so much is beyond our control – but not because it is already set and decided, but because we are only human, we can only do so much.
Here’s another scenario: fortune-tellers. The only way that is even possible is if there is a fated plan. If there is no plan, then there is no way to know what will happen. I was thinking about this a while back, when some girls were talking about getting “readings” online regarding when they would concieve. I realized quickly that, while it once seemed attractive to have reassurance and know that pregnancy was going to happen, I no longer have any interest, even if it were possible. For one thing, I am a wimp and I can’t handle rejection. What if the answer sucked? What if I had known ahead of time that I would get pregnant after much heartache, only to lose him at 36 weeks? There’s no way I would have enjoyed my pregnancy the way I did. And I wouldn’t exchange that true, unfettered joy for anything.
The second issue with fortune telling is this: what if I had been told that I would get pregnant in March of 2009 from an IVF cycle (and knew that it was true). Well I can’t see me doing any IVF cycles prior to that, knowing that it wouldn’t work… I mean, who would do that. But in order to get pregnant in March I had to have a stims cycle in February that produced enough embryos to freeze some, and in order to do the stims cycle that gave us that many embryos we had to go through the December cycle that utterly failed, prompting us to change the protocol completely. It’s the age-old problem. Knowing the future means you change the future, which means you can’t know the future!
But who the hell knows. I feel like I’m too old to be concerned with such deep, philosophical questions. I had far more time and mental energy to fret about existence when I was 14. Now it just seems inconsequential. And it makes my head hurt.
I’ll worry about the deep questions like this for now, hun, you concentrate or not stressing about such things :) cause we all know the stress = crapness with your body part :)
But don’t you love all the fortunetelling crap that goes on with pregnancies. oooh I can twirl a ring and tell you boy or girl, how many you’ll have, and whether they’ll really below to your partner :p
within our generations natural lifetime, we’ll become human 2.0, and things like biology won’t seem to matter so much any more. But til then, we carry on, because for all I know the sprout you or I push out is the one to make the scientific discovery that will change what we perceive as human forever.
I could have written this myself, but it wouldn’t have been nearly so eloquent (or hell, intelligible).
Hugs, Nat!
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on free will vs. Fatalism. I actually had a discussion the other day with people about that. I also fall on the free will side, but also some things are left to chance. I just cannot accept that everything is laid out beforehand. And I really hate the “it was meant to be” comments, doesn’t matter what people are referring to!
As for fortunetelling, that is an interesting way to look at it. And the TTC fortune telling crap is just that. I did get one way back when- and when they were still free! Of course, it was totally wrong. And I always wondered- even then- how can it be correct because you know that the person will not ever tell someone, “Oh you won’t conceive” or anything that they don’t want to hear.
I love your thoughts Natalie. I enjoy reading your blog so much.
I guess I fall into that half and half that you were talking about. I do believe in God so I believe there is a master plan but I also believe that free will and choice take you along that guided path. Does it suck…yes most certainly. I’ve had my share of pain, struggles with m/c and loss, and now am even struggling with the location that we live. I keep telling myself there is a reason I’ve gone through all of this…though I often wonder when I’m just going to live without all this analysis in a happy place…hopefully someday we’ll all be there!
As always…thoughts are with you for a successful cycle this month :) And thanks for giving us that read your blog so much to think about. I truly think your writing is inspiring!
I find it interesting to read your thought process. Your the only athiest I know. I find it confusing that you would ask someone to say a prayer if you don’t believe in a higher power or God. Who would they pray to or what would it accomplish?
I also don’t understand how athiests explain morality. What is right and wrong? Do you rely on government? We know how that turns out. Some governments felt it was ok to exterminate people. Others believe in partial birth abortion or putting people in prison just because they are a certain ethnic race. Do we rely on humans? That would be subjective and ineffective. My version of right and wrong might be different than yours and changes over time. Also, humans are selfish beings. Most only obey laws b/c fear of consequences.
I also don’t understand how an athiest justifies whether someone deserves something or not. If you don’t believe in a higher power than everything is based on random chance or mother nature. Mother nature is cruel and it’s all about survival of the fittest. Death is inevitable and a normal part of life. There is no meaning or purpose to why things happen. As a believer in Christ, I do have a purpose and I am important because God created me.
I pray for you all the time and for your salvation.
Anonymous – I ask that people send up thoughts (which is what I do) or prayer (because that is what a lot of my religious friends do) as a way of remembering, taking a moment to feel grateful for what we have and empathy for someone else. I believe that helps us as a society and us as a person. It is also my way of being respectful of others’ religions/beliefs, encouraging them to do whatever is comfortable for them.
You say most humans obey laws solely out of fear. I think that’s a very sad view of humans. Most people I know are good, decent people who do good things because they are good things. As for an explanation of morality, that topic is a very large topic… I’d suggest taking a philosophy course on morality and social issues and good/evil. It’s a very fascinating topic, and a lot of classes touch on different religions’ take on it, as well.
Personally my belief is that I do nothing that harms another. This includes following government’s laws, socially acceptable/unacceptable rules, and also my own personal beliefs that have no societal reaction. I work for a non-profit because it’s a way to help other living creatures. But I agree, that there is a huge grey area of right and wrong and everyone has a slightly different view of things. I agree that it’s much easier to have someone tell you what is right or wrong.
As for “deserving” something – I agree, Mother Nature does not make judgement calls and life and death is just a part of the circle. I also don’t believe in karma or reincarnation, so I don’t hold the life view that people will “get what they deserve.” I don’t believe in a meaning or a purpose. So really it was a descriptive phrase that would have been phrased better a different way. But it’s back to empathy… we as human beings have a huge capacity to feel. Even though there may not have been a reason for the death, even though it’s a part of the circle of life, it still causes grief. And I feel overwhelming sadness when I know that someone else is going through something that hurts them.
I do not need or want salvation, I assure you. But I do hope that you open your mind and learn more about philosophy and other religions so that you can better understand and have more empathy towards others.
I do have empathy, but was just trying to explain my confusion with your thought process. As I said before I don’t know any athiests, so it’s interesting to read your posts. Most people I know believe in some God. I took quite a few religion classes in college. I became a Bible believing Christian at the end of college.
I personally don’t think humans are good, but I guess it depends on your definition of what is “good.” It’s complicated and can’t really be explained in a post without explaining more about my belief system. For example, I think many people would cheat on their income taxes if they could get away with it. My 1 year old smacks my face when she’s mad and I’ve never hit her ever. It’s part of her human nature. I never had to teach her to be mean, but it came very natural I can assure you.
Thanks for the interesting comments.
Well then, I hope you have learned something about how a non-theist thinks. :)
Of course human children need to be taught how to behave. They don’t know that it hurts others, they don’t even fully understand the concept of others. My children will be taught to respect all life, all creatures. I believe that life is precious, simply because it exists. Yes, I’ve cried over squirrels.
But there becomes a point when a child needs to learn to make his or her own decisions. Do you lie or cheat? Do you hurt others? Your earlier line that people don’t know right from wrong without god is quite assuredly wrong. I grew up completely without religion, in an atheist household. I know right from wrong, as do all of my atheist friends. I do not need threats of punishment by a higher being to treat other people with courtesy and respect – I do it because it’s a good thing to do. (As do my religious friends! I am completely sure that fear of their god is not the thin line that keeps them from harming others!)
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask, and I’ll answer as best as I can.