I am just trying not to think too much about this cycle at all. There is really nothing I can do – no appointments, no numbers, no nothing to analyze. Just counting down time. And every time I do that I start to get a lot of anxiety and my mind kicks into overdrive about all of the things that I have no control over. So I said screw it, I’m going to do the same thing I did last cycle: just ignore it. I’m filling my days with everything and anything else.

Except anything baby-related. I’m avoiding the baby talks. I’m even somewhat avoiding the cycle buddies, because that again just makes me think about my own cycle and starts the anxiety up. I’m not thinking about due dates that may never happen. I’m not thinking about who I may be pregnant with or what the spacing between kids might be or seasons or any kind of plan at all.

To be perfectly honest I’m trying not to think about the future at all. Planning for the future – whether it’s 5 years or 5 months – almost always rests on whether or not I’m pregnant or how far. I can’t make vacation plans, because I might not be able to fly. I can’t plan out my next year without knowing this crucial piece of information. When will we have a newborn? When can Den go to that training class he has to go to? Can we go to my friend’s wedding? Can we plan a trip with relatives to Vegas? When can we go visit my parents again? I can’t answer any of it. I don’t fucking know. And if I’m not pregnant, it means I’m cycling, which means dates become even less dependable.

I can’t even put into words how fucking frustrating this is to me… this not being able to plan anything. I’ve always been a 10-year-plan kind of girl. It’s just what I do. I love to sketch out house plans, and I love to outline life plans. So I just don’t think about it. A wall comes down in my brain every time my thoughts wander in the planning direction and I say to myself, I’ll figure that out later. Later, later, later, always later, never now.

I guess I finally figured out what living in the moment actually means, just out of necessity. I know when my next appointments are. I know where my garden and house is at. I know what I’m doing for the week. Heck, I may even have figured out where we’re going for our anniversary (though I haven’t figured out when).

I’m okay with doing this for now, but only with the requirement that someday soon I do get to figure out the rest of the answers. I can’t live like this forever. I’m not even sure I could live like this for very long. But I can do it for the short-term and just keep my head in the sand for a month.