I had my chiropractic appointment this afternoon and it was the most lovely 15 minutes of my day. I am obviously carrying a lot of stress. I think I almost fell asleep on the table while the little tingly things loosened up my back.

I want a new laptop – and am pretty sure soon I will need a new laptop – but I need to wait until July to buy one. July is when Microsoft will start including a free Windows 7 upgrade to purchases. But it is so hard to wait! I am drooling over laptops. Why do I torture myself?? (Oh yes… it’s more pleasant than thinking about the lack of babies.)

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Today I caught sight of someone’s sig on a forum, someone who I remembered had been pregnant within a day or two of myself. I was stunned to see that she was 10 weeks already. 10 weeks? That would mean it’s been almost a month since my loss. But that is right, seeing how I’m starting my next cycle already.

It hurt. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to think about it. It is gone… that chance, that calendar, is no longer mine.

I have a feeling this is going to haunt me for some time. Hopefully it will ease up when I am pregnant again. While I am not new to loss, I am somewhat new to this aspect of it… loss after a late stillbirth like I had doesn’t leave much room for shadowing others’ pregnancies. Kel, my first and closest pregnancy buddy, gave birth a mere week after I did. And that first month was such a haze to begin with, nothing much penetrated until later, after my due date had passed.

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I am extremely anxious for my period to start so I can get started on the protocol and get some dates written in. I’ve started spotting so it should be sometime tonight or tomorrow morning. I’m just impatient. Just get started already, so I can move on to waiting for the next thing.