Den did a huge amount of work today. I drew up the plans this past week, calculated how much soil we’d need, how much wood to buy, where I’ll be planting everything. I figured Den would help me buy the big stuff, and then I’d spend a weekend putting everything together. Nope! Den hardly let me raise a finger! I was the mastermind telling him how it was all supposed to fit together, where it was all going to sit. He raked and levelled the ground (which wasn’t simple, considering the yard slopes away from the house), constructed the box frames, and then filled them with the million bags of soil.

Last year I went really bare-bones… just bought some seeds, cleared out the grass and weeds, and planted. It was just mostly to keep myself busy – I have never had any inclination for gardening before, so I didn’t want to throw money into it only to lose interest. But I proved to myself that I actually did follow through, and the fact that I actually am excited to do it again speaks volumes. So I figured this year I would do a little bit more – not fancy, just taking it up a notch.

I decided to use 1x4s to contruct the boxes – anything taller would take even more soil, and we were spending enough as it was. All I wanted was some new soil, and some defined beds to plant in. It looks much more neat and organized. I’m going to put a 2′ fence around the outside to keep the dogs and wild bunnies out. We’re going to mulch between the beds. I even bought a soaker hose to wind through the garden (though the water spout on the side of the house leaks like crazy, not good). I just have to be careful that I don’t aim too high… it’s easy to plan too big.

And mother’s day? I just don’t care. I’m glad I was whisked away that weekend last year, as I was rather raw, but this year I just couldn’t care less. Oh, I am touched that my friends took the time to say something to me, recognizing that I, too, am a mother. Trust me, for a stillbirth mama that means a hell of a lot.

But the whole day… it just irritates me. I can’t help but think of all of my friends who aren’t yet mothers, but want to be so desperately. And I think, why are they not deserving too? It feels like such a fake day, a day that men rush off to stores to buy a card. I just can’t see myself getting all that excited, even when I have a child at home. I don’t need anything extra, I don’t need some set-aside day.

Personally it means far more to me for my husband to spend his entire day building me a garden just because he knows I want one.