One side up, other side down
Today I sneezed. A full sneeze, ahhh-choo! This is noteworthy because for the past week and a half I’ve been holding back my sneezes, little atch..oo… because it hurt my poor belly every time.
I am really feeling better every day this week. Just Wednesday to Friday my recovery has bounded. Today I didn’t have to hold my belly much while walking, it didn’t bother me to crouch down. There are still times when it reminds me it is there – I will not be dancing on a stage anytime soon – but it’s nice to walk and sit normally.
While my body is getting better, my emotional state is getting worse. Remember I had mentioned that a coworker is pregnant? She’s starting to show already. And I want to make clear here that I do not begrudge her what she has – she’s a lovely person, and is very sensitive and aware of what I’m going through. It is just very very hard to be reminded of what I don’t have. I know that it would be hard regardless of the fact that I was pregnant, too… but that does make it worse. It’s a reminder every week of where I should be, too. I know it will be a couple of months before I might be pregnant – no guarantees there, of course – months that will be difficult. We haven’t hit the hardest part yet: when customers start noticing. That, above all else, just hits me hard… listening to them chat happily, ask question, and constantly comment on how wonderful it is. I’m hoping it will be another couple of months before we hit that point. Hoping… but doubtful.
I find myself being a lot quieter when around people. I have been in some kind of… well, not state of disbelief, because I didn’t really believe in the first place. But it was a pleasant numbness. I felt fine. I was focussed on my physical state and healing, and just pushing the emotional aside. Not willingly, not conciously… but I knew that’s what was going on. And now it’s creeping in again. Not sadness at the events of the last week, specifically… but the overall depression and frustration at this whole fucking situation.
I am angry that people who don’t want babies get pregnant without trying, don’t treat their bodies right, and never have a single damn problem. And then me and my friends – people in healthy relationships who truly want to be parents, who go to every appointment and eat right and do everything they’re supposed to… we lose. It makes NO sense. I just can’t put into words how freaking angry it makes me to think about. So I try not to think about it.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is the emptiness. When I am pregnant – even when it was 2 weeks of freaking out – I felt more than myself. I felt whole again. There was just something in me that glowed with a happy secret. And now it’s gone again.
The coldness is seeping back in and there is simply nothing else that can fill that hole – not my wonderful husband, my pets, my home, my work. They each have their own space in my heart… but that one still remains broken.
awww hunni..i am sorry for what you are going through…i wish soo much that things could be easier…life sucks..alot…the positive thing is…you know you have gotten pregnant twice and you are still capable of being a mommy…i hope it happens this time around…so you can get your truly deserved miracle…i dont know what else to say but i am sorry for the circumstances…
I think of you every day Nat! I also agree- it is not fair at all! It made me mad before, but now, after all you have been through and continue to go through…it just makes me so pissed off. It’s not supposed to work like this. Lots and lots of hugs for you!
Yeah, I understand what you mean about those women who don’t care for themselves when pregnant. My in-laws, my husband and I were angry when we lost our first baby because I was doing all the right things and still lost. It sucked!
You will get pregnant! The void in your heart will be filled with a lovely, bouncy, giggling baby one day. I’m certain of it *HUGS*
Life is so very unfair! I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this pain. Many hugs to you and your husband.
I feel very sorry for you and the pain you continue to experience. That emptiness can only be filled by God. I know you hate hearing that being a devout Athiest. Nothing on this earth will ever fill the void in your heart, nothing.
LOL If that were true, my very religious friends wouldn’t have a huge hole in their heart after losing a child… but they do, too. It’s just something we live with after a loss like this.
Thanks Nat. I was thinking the same thing. I admit that having a faith did help with the grieving process, but that was me. I cannot speak for all religious or spiritual people. That aside, there are times when I still feel the void of having lost a child.
Heh *hugs* Nat… I was wondering if someone would bring up “god” into this. Take care hun. I’m glad you can express your feelings of anger towards those who seemingly unfairly get to have kids while some who really want them can’t. If only everything went according to plan!
*hug* again.
Hi Nat,
Life sucks big time!!!!…I am 33 trying to get pregnant since 3 years and have had 2 miscarriages and several surgeries but yet to have a successful pregnancy. When I read about you I felt very sad, but all I can say is you were pregnant twice and you will surely get pregnant again. MOST IMPORTANT thing you are only 26 years old and you so many fertile years in front of you. I know for sure one day everything will fall in place for you with lots of good luck.
Best wishes