Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies


March 28, 2009 — 12:26 am

Here’s the real kicker: my beta (which I will not be here to take, but I have to remind them of that fact) is scheduled for April 5. If that seems familiar to you, that’s because it was Devin’s due date. April 5.

So, my past three attempts have been: beta on Christmas (day after), beta on Devin’s birthday (day before), beta on Devin’s due date. Now, it would be NICE if we could have one of these things turn out to actually be a good thing, but as I’m sure you can imagine I do not feel a whole lot of good feelings about this.

Thankfully after this there aren’t really any important dates until my birthday in September, but then we’ll start getting into the uncomfortable position of tracing Devin’s pregnancy. The next FET should be free and clear, with a due date in January sometime. But after that a 2-month stims cycle will place the due date squarely in March – and, given our incredible luck with these things, I would not be surprized to be handed a due date right on March 6. The cycle after that, which I am optimistically assuming would be a FET, would then be an April due date. You can see the obvious problems with a March or April due date. I would really like to avoid that – but not at the cost of delaying cycling through the entire summer. We’ll get whatever we get.

Den just keeps saying that I need to stop thinking ahead like that, that we will be pregnant before we get into those muddy due dates of the next stims. I’d like to believe him. But I’m not feeling very positive about any of this. That’s not to say that I don’t think this could work, that’s not it at all. It’s just that the last – perfect – cycle ending in a a negative has really hurt me. I really carried a torch for the notion that all we needed was a good embryo. Well, we had that, and my notion was proven wrong. So, no, I can’t say I hold much excitement for this cycle. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so blase about it… so easily unattached.

I know I will keep persevering until something works. I swear to you that much. I am stubborn beyond explanation and hellishly determined. But no one can tell me how or when, because no one can possibly know the future… especially in realms such as this one, that defy what have always appeared to be a given.

So I keep planning for the future, keeping my eyes three stepping stones ahead. That way it doesn’t matter quite so much if the one I’m standing on tips… I know where to jump to.

3 responses to “Disenchanted”

  1. Melissa says:

    I have learned that conception is one big crap shoot. The cycles that are seemingly “perfect” oftentimes end in failure; and the cycles that seem less-than-stellar (or outright hopeless) oftentimes end in blazing success. There’s no rhyme or reason behind it all and it’s terribly frustrating.

    Although you’re not feeling very optimistic at the moment, I want you to know that I’m rooting for you. I hope this FET cycle brings positive news your way.

  2. Delenn says:

    Thinking of you.

  3. S says:

    I know you’re not feeling very optimistic so I won’t say anything but, hang in there. Your determination and looking forward is a good thing… hope this turns into a BFP…