Every time I cycle I have looked to online support groups for girls cycling at the same time… in many ways it has been a comfort, a source of encouragement and community. IVF is such a weird thing, it’s kind of nice to be around others who understand all the jibber jabber – they understand just how devastating only 2 embryos is, while the rest of the world says, “… Is that good?”

But as my last negative was sinking in I avoided checking in with the group. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was going to be left behind while they all moved forward… that I was simply in a different time and space. That’s not what ended up happening, much to my surprize (the success rate was shockingly low for the group), but that feeling lingered.

So this time, especially since I’m not stimming, I’m not doing the group thing. I did poke around, but… I really don’t feel it. It’s a little strange to be flying solo… it feels a little lonely. But it’s also a bit of a relief, too – there’s no one else I need to worry about, no one else I need to support. No worrying about making new friends. There’s no comparing dates and numbers and symptoms. Maybe this is just better for me at this time.

This cycle feels like a ghost cycle in so many ways. I’ve gotten so used to doing full stims cycles. This is like… an alternate reality, a dreamland overtop of what’s real.

Tomorrow morning my first actual appointment of the cycle. Ultrasound and blood draw to make sure my body is ready to head into post-ovulation and transfer. A cycle without any kind of ovulation… how very strange.