Here’s my confession for the day: I’m nervous as heck about tomorrow’s ultrasound. I have been trying really hard not to think about it, because there’s absolutely nothing I can do… whatever is going on inside those ovaries is out of my control. But still, I worry. I don’t know what they’re going to find tomorrow. If I’ve overstimmed again I’m going to be PISSED. I think I may even cry.

Things are just different now. This whole cycle has been like walking on eggshells. I walked out of the last appointment feeling relieved and thinking to myself, “No bad news yet.” And that’s really how I feel all the way through this. There is no GOOD news… just news that isn’t bad… yet. I wait for the shoe to drop.

I was thinking about my IVF cycles and how each has been so different.

IVF#1 was the “textbook” cycle. The blissfully unaware of anything going wrong cycle. It was the kick in the teeth with the fertilization report… totally, utterly unprepared. It was the huge shock of disappointment.

IVF#2 was full of hope that we would “solve” the fertilization problem with ICSI… so we still weren’t prepared for the same result. Mostly I remember the anger… I was so furious. No one could give us answers. And then the shock of success when I least expected it. IVF#2 was Devin.

IVF#3 was so slow to get started. It was obstacle after obstacle… it was the cycle where everything went wrong. Insurance authorization problems, timing problems, major overstimming, and again poor fertilization despite trying something new. The whole cycle was a pain in my ass, exhausting and frustrating. And, unlike my first two cycles, I knew we’d be dealing with severe fertilization issues… so no happy fluffy rainbows for the first half of the cycle. I was slogging through mud, and I knew it was mud.

IVF#4 so far has been eerily quiet. I’m twitchy as hell after last cycle, waiting for something to go wrong. Well, there was the allergic reaction, but that doesn’t really impact the cycle itself so it doesn’t bother me. We will see how this one turns out… how I will finish IVF#4’s description.