Little obsessions fill a big hole
I am obsessed with my house plans. Every spare minute that I have I am thinking about my future bathroom, or kitchen, or front door. I recognize this obsession, and accept it for what it is: a diversion.
Oh, sure, part of it is simply that I love doing this stuff. I have gone through many periods in my life when I became obsessed with sketching out floor plans and imagining what will go where. It’s an obsession that gives me headaches, but at the same time it’s very soothing to me.
But right now I know that a big part of what I am doing is avoiding. Every cycle I obsess about the dates, the plans, the everything. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about how it will end.
Not this time. I want nothing to do with it all. That’s not to say that I don’t have it all plotted out – I do. But I mapped out my next two months and then I put it away. Now I am planning the house, a skiing excursion, a trip to my parents. All things that are planned with the knowledge that a pregnancy is possible, but not dependent on it.
I just don’t want my heart to get broken again. I know damn well that my chances remain at around 50-50. Part of my brain says, last cycle failed, so that means this one should work! But I know statistics. I know that what happened before changes nothing. It’s still 50-50. And what do I do if this is the wrong 50 again?
So, as frustrating as house designing with a husband can be, it’s far better than the alternative.
After C died, I wrote on a tiny little post-it, “All we have is now,” and stuck it on my bulletin board. It was an effort for me to always remember that even the best laid plans don’t always happen. I’m a planner. I’ve always been a planner. And for a lot of months after C died, I stopped planning, I stopped obsessing about the future. Recently, I’ve fallen into the planning pit again. I feel like I’ve been sucked in and I’ve lost sight of what I learned after my baby died and left me.
It’s so hard to stay tethered to the present when what we really want is 9 or 10 or 11 months away…if we’re able to get it, that is. I don’t know how to be happy with now. I don’t know how not to get sucked in by all the future has to offer, if we manage to get there at all.
50% is 50%. I hope you’re on the right side of that statistic this time around, Nat.
I understand. I dont want your heart broken again either. I understand the 50/50, I am obsessing over it right now.
I completely understand the obsessive diversion, but most of all, I can totally relate to your obsession with house plans. I do the same thing when I lie in bed unable to sleep – my mind wanting to drift to babies lost or yet to be born. I envision what the nursery/remodeled bathroom/finished basement will look like. So far, the nursery is almost finished, the basement is done, and the bathroom will never happen. I’m running out of rooms to plan.