Mess
My viciously upset stomach faded away over the course of the day, leaving me to realize that, yeah, my ovaries are upset. I’m very tender. It’s the constant, physical reminder of everything that’s going on, even when I just want to forget about it.
The thing is, my body responds like a PCOS-er… but I have none of the other markers for it. I ovulate every month, I don’t have cysts, I’m not overweight, I don’t have insulin resistence, and my hormone levels are well within normal. But give my ovaries any FSH and they just balloon like you would expect of a PCOS body. On the good side this does give me somewhere to look for answers and solutions – since PCOS is so common there is a lot of literature about it. Unfortunatey it’s not that amazing. Stim low and steady. Wow, I never thought of that! *smacks forehead* I did find some reassuring articles about how coasting for several days can bring E2 down without compromising egg quality or pregancy rates.
That’s my main concern right now, and why I feel very little hope at this point. Even if they do manage to control my E2 and get me to a successful retrieval, the addition of all these small follicles make the likelihood of me getting some mature eggs out of me very slim. The more there are in total, the less care each one is getting. I saw that clearly with my first two cycles: more follicles in the first cycle led to a decrease in quality. Granted the second time we only had one mature one, but it was a very good quality. When you only get one mature egg, you need to make sure it’s been nursed very very carefully.
I’m still just at a loss to comprehend this, really. I went over all my records, and at no point did I have a million little follicles explode out of nowhere in the middle of my damn cycle. My first cycle I did overstim slightly, but right from the start. Each cycle the number of follicles stayed pretty much the same from my first monitoring appointment to trigger. So this is unprecidented with me.
I really hope I get some answers tomorrow, because I’m just struggling to understand. As much as I try to find something to blame for it, I just can’t. Unless dropping my FSH dose down could somehow be responsible, but that seems pretty far-fetched. It appears this was yet another one of those weird, unpredictable occurrences.
I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of being unusual, I’m tired of not knowing what to expect. I’m tired of being shit on.
I really was so hopeful this cycle. It was looking good, we were going to improve on our track record. I was so looking forward to retrieval. And now, if we get there, I still don’t feel much hope.
hang in there love.
as hard as it may seem (especially considering your loss) sometimes you just have to relax and let things happen. I’m a firm believer in most things don’t happen while you’re waiting for it to happen… it’s when your attention is on something else.
Do you ever meditate? I’m not big on it but there have been a couple of times that I’ve tried it to get through some really tough times.
So sorry Natalie! This really sucks. I can only imagine getting up the nerve to try again after lossing Molly and then having something like this happen. It must be unbelievably frustrating for you. Anyway, hang in there.
I did have one of my four ART cycles (what was supposed to be my 2nd fresh IVF) converted from IVF to IUI when it wasn’t going how it should have. I recall being so dissapointed as I had done everything I was supposed to and felt like it was all for nothing or at least for a much, much smaller chance of success. The cycle was not successful. Then we did another unsuccessful fresh IVF cycle before our first FET which was successful in that we got Molly, but you know how that story goes.
Anyway, I believe in my heart that though this may not be your cycle, that you will have success and be able to expand your family in time. I know that may not help the way you feel now though. I am so sorry that this cycle isn’t going the way you hoped and dreamed it would. Many hugs to you.
Hang in there Natalie and don’t lose hope. Remember, all it takes is a single good egg. And it could easily be buried in this massive cohort of eggs. One good egg has a strong chance of popping out at any time- esp at your age!
Natalie –
Happened to me – my second IVF cycle was cancelled because I overstimmed (coasting didn’t work for me, we cancelled when I my E2 was at 5300). We ended up doubling my dose of Lu.pron and halving the follistim for IVF #3 – and that’s what did the trick.
I know the hell you’re in right now, and I’m so sorry. Fingers crossed coasting works.
*hugs*
xx