Feeling Shitty
I am still remarkably angry and I don’t think it’s going to begin to abate until I get pregnant. I feel other things, of course, but most of all I am just angry and frustrated. There’s no better way to put it. When I see babies or baby-related things – even if it’s announcements from people who have been through the grief of a stillbirth or other loss – it makes my insides crunch together like someone is sitting on my chest. But it’s not just weight, it’s the tears and pain of frustration.
I realized that this is – and probably will remain – the worst period in my life. I do have the knowledge that IVF works, which is one piece of information I did not have before Devin existed, but still. I am dealing with the overwhelming grief of our loss, and the grief of infertility, and the frustration of not being able to cycle right away.
The combination is trying to kill me, I think. It is hard to keep my head above water. I almost feel like the early grieving was much easier… at least it was much more linear and understandable. I took time off, I grieved hard and whole-heartedly. It was a bottomless pit, but at least it was just one pit and you know you’re stuck in it. Now I feel like I’m navigating a minefield. I get out, I fall in, I sidestep, I blow up… it makes no logical sense at all sometimes, and I’m pingponging around. I’m trying to hold on to hope, but how do you really encompass something positive when you feel so goddamn angry all the time?
No wonder I’m trying to drown myself in work. Maybe after I get pregnant again I’ll be able to back off a bit – when I have something good in my present that I can experience. When I’m pregnant I’ll want to stop and savor those moments, that knowledge. Right now every time I stop I think about how I’m not pregnant, do not have a baby.
I know there are other things in life out there. Other good things – probably things I should think about more often. But quite frankly right now I just can’t. The pets piss me off more often than not, the house is a disaster, being social is a hit-or-miss activity. I’ve come to the conclusion that for this month of November I’m probably going to just feel shitty, and maybe I should just accept that and let it be. Just one month. December will be different, for better or for worse. But for right now I’m tired of picking myself up out of pits and falling back in. I’m bruised. I’m sore. I’m tired. And maybe I’m just going to curl up in the bottom of one and take a nap. I’ll deal with climbing out later. I am giving myself permission to just feel shitty.
3 weeks until my last birth control pill, then another 4 or 5 days until stims. That’s all. I’m setting a note on my calendar, each sunday is one more week down – one week closer to feeling better.
I am new to the TTC world and came across your blog. I have been reading for hours. Your story is moving, you are amazingly strong – even though you may not see it. I am praying for you.
I’m sorry. It is a double whammy for you.
My evil ex-coworker sent out pics of her newly born SECOND child over the weekend. I wanted to break the computer screen and cry at the same time. AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!
I’m angry, too. It’s an emotion I fully understand.
Sometimes I think having a plan, even though I know it can be easily thwarted, is the only way I’m going to get through. At the very least, it forces us to take one step forward every day.
*hugs*
if a plan is what keeps you going at this point–so be it. feeling shitty is ok too.
Just wanted to send some ((hugs)) from TX. I hope that your plan proves to be perfect and that it helps ease the pain some.
It’s ok to be angry. You’ve been through a LOT. I hope that you and Den find some happiness again. *crosses fingers for things to go well/better with the next IVF*
I was thinking about this entry last night…and I know I haven’t experienced a loss like that of your Devin, in the losses I have experienced… the anger thing… it is one of the most baffling parts of the whole grieving process.
I remember a point in time, after a loss that I experienced…that I realized how angry that I was. It was like at times the anger would totally consume me. When I actually sat back and thought about just how angry I really was… it was mind blowing in a way, that a person could be that damn angry when they were grieving a loss.
I didn’t get it then, why I needed to feel that anger. But at time passes, the anger makes more sense. It is normal, although it being normal doesn’t make it anymore pleasant to live with.
We have every right to feel angry after losing something we loved so dearly. Something we invested ourselves and our lives in. To some degree, I think the anger always hangs around, as does the sadness and every other emotion that comes with losing someone. It’s just that time eases them, just like they say.
I think anger though… it can be extremely motivating. I think maybe that is why we experience it. We are angry and we want to do something about the thing that caused us the anger. It can be hard, and it may be hard to embrace positivity when you are feeling so angry, but just look..already…your anger..your grief has led you to do very positive things with your life. You keep stepping forward… and stepping forward has gotten you back to the IVF process! Maybe it sounds stupid and maybe I’m totally wrong… but perhaps a bit of that anger, motivated you to keep going, to bring something positive back to your life. I just think that anger is a sign… a good sign…that we aren’t going to take what the universe hands us laying down, even though there are no doubt days that we want to.