Costumes
I have written before about how my body no longer handles my favorite alchohol beverages the way it used to. I have not been drinking much in the past several months. But last night was a party, and last night I had several drinks.
This morning I had to be at work at 8am.
Not what I should call a good combination. I didn’t feel very well this morning. I wasn’t like throwing up or anything, no headache… just a really upset stomach. And I was really, really tired.
I’ve been feeling exceedingly antisocial for the past few weeks. I work, I sleep, and I don’t have a whole lot of interest in anything else. Every week is just another hurdle to get closer to my goals. I put my head down and just keep going. Every week my goal is set on Sunday, the last day of the week… and then when Sunday comes I feel disoriented and without purpose for the day. Then I drive headlong into another week. The time goes faster this way.
The party last night was a costume party. Most years I’ve made my own costumes for these sorts of things, but this year I had no energy or inclination to do so. In the costume store I poked around at the different packages of pre-made outfits “one size fits some.” Most were too cutesie. The maid. The sexy devil. Too chirpy, too upbeat. I knew what I felt, but I had no idea what I was looking for – until I found it.
A Fallen Angel. Black dress, black wings, black halo askew. Fishnet stockings ripped, like I’d just crawled through hell. I painted my fingernails black. I smudged mascara around my eyes as if I’d been crying for days.
For most halloween is a time to dress up as a character, to play as someone else. But last night I dressed up as me.
What once was high, now has fallen. What once was joy, now is sorrow. What once was light, now is dark.
Last year I went to the halloween party pregnant. This year I went with empty arms.
I’m so sorry about the crappy reminder :-(
If it’s any consolation this is an awesome picture!
I think of you daily. I pray for your family. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry. I like to costume and you did take a striking photo.
Oh sweetie. There really aren’t words. That picture makes me want to drag you over to the sofa and make you watch Steel Magnolias until you have a long cry and let some of it out. Though I have a feeling, even without makeup, that you’ve been crying. What a terrible reminder.
I’m sorry. Those memories totally suck. With you in spirit.
I’m glad you found the costume, and sorry that it fits you so well (emotionally I mean, physically it looks good on you.)
Hugs to you. Sorry for the painful reminder.
Oh man. You made me cry with this :(
So did anybody “get it”?
You know, I’m not entirely sure. But they did say I did a good job.
My grandmother, following Sicilian tradition, wore black and a widow’s cap every day for 30 years after my grandfather died. Wouldn’t it be nice if in this modern time we had a tradition that would display grief for all to see on days other than Halloween?
Natalie, Natalie, Natalie,
Sweetie
I have been in your shoes – TWICE – and I ache for you, but let me tell you that I live and I am ok.
I LOVED your Halloween fallen angel costume for all kinds of aesthetic purposes alone. You SUIT the look.
BUT darling, you are NOT a martyr. Put the costume away after this Halloween and go forth and be YOU. Stop wearing the badge of THE berieved mother.
So many of us/we grieving mothers have gone before you and survived. It’s all a part of living and life and death and GROWING UP! It is much more common than you would imagine.
BUT you need to get over this sadness and move on. This is your present life. Today is your day. Memories are poignant but are for yesterday. You are not the only woman on this planet who has had this AWFUL thing happen to them. It’s HUGE. It is LIFE CHANGING. We are many. AND – sadly- there are comparably – worse things in life ahead of us. Brace yourself. More than you would/could imagine. We don’t blog. We just get ON WITH IT as you need to do!
SUCK it up girl. You are a Canadian. Canadian’s are BRAVE. Get on with it. Shit happens to all of us some way or another, somewhere or another, sometime or another. Life goes on despite … all of THAT! Your baby died, we are sad for you, as we are sad for our own babies.
PLEASE, PLEASE – do not become a martyr – accept it and move on.
Christine – I do understand your message. I do. I will not forever be locked in time, I will not refuse to move forward. But it has been less than a year. I am not yet pregnant again. Now is my time to grieve.
I will move on and pick up. In time. But perhaps not just yet.
i understand what you are saying, but I don’t think you pulled the dark angel off very well. You’re just too cute!!! :)