It was my “first day” of work today – at least, my first day at the office where I will be permanently. It was… rough. The work wasn’t rough. It was more of what I know how to do, just a little different because I’m working with new people who have a bit of a different way of doing things. No, what was rough was listening to the chatter going on around me. Baby showers. Registries. Labor rooms. Chit chat, chit chat. The baby chatter probably didn’t take up nearly as big a chunk as it felt like, but to me it seemed to go on forever. My brain spun in slow motion.

Once upon a time, in the “before,” I would have loved a job like this. It is relaxed, friendly, flexible. It was what I wanted.

But now? Now I find myself wishing we could be busier. I liked the professional bustle at the office where I trained. And I found that in that circumstance they chatted less… they knew each other not quite so well. There were too many people, and it was too busy, to get to know everyone. And I found myself today longing for that anonymity of just blending in with the crowd. I find myself wishing just for a strictly professional relationship, not the rest.

By the end of the day I had a headache, presumably from clenching my jaw all day.

I worried that I was coming across as a snob, though my wise husband said later, “So what if they do? When they find out why then they’ll understand.” I did mention to one coworker that I have a son who would be six months old, as those photos of her kid? He was born in late February. I asked about her cat instead.

My heart hurts. I’m just so disappointed. It was really looking like this job was going to be such a good thing for me, it was going so well, and then I get there and it hurts so much. I have to say, if it weren’t for the health insurance I don’t know if I’d stay. But I do have the health insurance – and this position has enough flexibility to get me through IVF without too much trouble. So I stay. And I hope this gets easier.

Maybe it will. I’m sure feeling like an outside was from other factors – like being the newbie – than just the deadbabymama thing. I can’t change being a deadbabymama, but I won’t always be the new person. Hopefully I’ll get to know these people. And hopefully the pregnant lady will go into labor really soon (though she’s not due for over a month – bugger).

It’s not that I don’t like these people. It’s not that I am angry at all pregnant women or women with babies. I don’t burst into tears at the sight of them. But it’s distracting – frequently found myself drifting off in thought, frozen. Remembering. And I just really need, for myself, to distract myself. I really hoped this job would do that. And I’m just so sad that it doesn’t appear to be that way.

But the good side is that I can still see myself staying and moving up in the company. I have inside me a motivation that I never had before. I am no longer content to just stay at home and do nothing but daydream and mope. I am going to do something with my life and accomplish something. I feel good about that. But then I think about what it took to get me to this place and it just makes me sad.