You know what is frustrating? Coming home from work to the big pile of papers and crap on your desk. It just piles up over the month and I run out of spots to “put” things… and the bills sit in my “to file” pile until it’s overtaking my desk. I am irritated. I made a dent in it today, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll get everything filed and put away so I can clean off my desktop. I think I will feel SO much better once that is done.

I don’t even know why it bugged me so much today – it’s not like this is a new situation. Didn’t bother me yesterday. Or the day before. But today? Today it pisses me off.

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Den leaves for a trip tomorrow. At first I was all excited that I’ll have only one person to clean up after, but after we crawled into bed I started feeling clingy. Yeah, I do the exact thing I said I’d never do: I take his presence for granted. I know I’ll be fine and functional without him (I have to work thurs through sat at my various jobs so it’s not like I’ll be bored), but still. It’ll be weird not to have anyone to talk to. As tired or grouchy as I am, I always appreciate having someone to tell about my day. And he puts up with it and even appears to listen to my babble. It’s commendable.

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This new working schedule of mine has been… well, actually it’s been pretty easy to get used to. I’ve never been fond of mornings, but here I am, setting my alarm for 6:45 so I can get a shower and be out the door by 7:45. And it’s not that hard. I don’t even have to really fight the urge to roll over and go back to sleep. I’m even getting tired earlier in the evening so I’m still getting a good night’s sleep (tonight being the exception – I’m only just now starting to get tired). At work I’m alert and functional. Is it the shower in the morning? Is it the newness of the job and what I’m learning? Is it just that I’ve adjusted to the new schedule? I don’t know. But the transition sure was easy.

I’m also not feeling much nervousness about work. I should be, by all accounts – “should” being used here to denote what I would expect of my normal behavior. But, as with everything else, normal has been redefined. I’m enjoying what I’m doing at my new job, which is a big help. But even the prospect of being put “on my own” next week, done with training, isn’t causing me too much jitters. Two things keep running through my head: first, that it’s their job to train me and make sure I’m doing everything correctly so they’re not going to throw me to the wolves; and two, even if I mess up it’s fixable and not a huge crisis.

It all comes down to perspective, again. This would surely have sent me into a major tizzy, before. Now? Well, this is what I’m doing right now with my life. So I’m going to do it to my best ability, I’m going to enjoy it as much as I can, I’m going to reap the benefits of it (financial and insurance-wise), and then I’m going to go home and clean my house and feed my pets. You know? As much as a job can at times define you, it’s not who you are. It doesn’t really make a dent in who I am after what I’ve been through. I think I fit this role very well, and I think I am going to excel in it – I hope that I can grow in the future and move on to bigger things at this company. But in the end it’s not really the most important thing in my day.

So I set my alarm and pull out an outfit and wonder what I’m going to learn tomorrow. I will probably enjoy it. And it will be another day I can cross off on my mental calendar.

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I forgot to add… There’s one woman in the office at work who is pregnant. I don’t see her very often and don’t have to work with her. After training is over I will no longer even be at the same location as her. Most of the time I just see her in passing in the lunch room and I avert my eyes and my thoughts.

Today, however, she was talking with some of the other ladies. “30 days left,” she said, and made a comment about her ribs hurting. I swallowed the lump. 1 month to go… when I lost Devin. My head started aching, probably from me unconciously clenching my jaw. She will probably have a healthy baby in a month. It was a very uncomfortable moment of “what could have been.”

That was the extent of their conversation. Nothing more was said about babies or pregnancy. I left anyways to go sit outside in the sunshine.