Sunday Service
So the Baptism was a bit of a disaster for me. For one thing I am not Christian, and that specific church is a little bit… special. Think sing-song chanting bible verses. Very weird, very over the top for us. The priest’s words while sending the children to children’s church didn’t really put me in a great mood to start with: “Let us give thanks, children are G*d’s gift!”
And of course the service was all about how important being Baptised is to G*d and, my favorite line, “Those of you here who haven’t been Baptised may wonder why your life is so chaotic.” That just felt way too personal to me. I had far too much time during the service to just feel angry, thinking about Devin. By the time the children were all brought back in to watch the Baptism I wasn’t in a very stable mood and as the service wound to a close I found myself gripping the pew in front of mine, tears rolling down my cheeks as a little boy walked up and down the aisle beside me during the Eucharist (which, of course, we did not partake in). Den held my hand and passed me a tissue, which I used to dab at my eyes. I fought the urge to run out of the church during the final prayer. I held on, focussed on breathing. Wound too tight.
Everyone filed out slowly and I walked into the small foyer to find it crowded with parents and children stopping to chat. I (somewhat rudely) shoved through, banged out the front door, and ran into the parking lot sobbing. I just totally lost it. Den ran out behind me and held me for a few minutes while I cried. My son was supposed to be there. We were not supposed to be sitting alone today.
I settled down after that. It helped that SIL’s mom and grandmother both came over to give me a hug and tell me that it’s okay to feel sad and mourn our loss whenever the grief hits. They are really so very kind.
Afterwards we ate, I photographed (too bad I can’t post any), and the athiest side of the family marvelled at how they could be related to BIL.
It ended on a fine note. But boy I did not expect that kind of reaction from myself during the service. I thought I was just going to doodle in my notebook, roll my eyes at some of the G*d comments, and take photos of BabyH being Baptised. But I forgot about the children, and I didn’t account for what kind of toll having to hold myself still and stately for such a long period of time with nothing to do but think about those children. Fucking sucks, man.
sorry it was so hard. sounds like you have very understanding people in your life though.
you are fortunate to have such understanding people. i am Christian and Church is so difficult to me that i just can’t go any longer. prayer is difficult. the day after Daniella’s memorial we went to a mass that was going to mention a prayer for an old family friend that had just died. the mass started out with a baptism-so i heard the whole “children are a gift from God’ thing. also, i somehow got escorted by the church elders to sit next to this very pregnant woman with her daughter. i thougt i could die, infact i hoped i did..
all i can say is ((hugs)) and i have been in a similar place.
I truly am so sorry for your experience, especially at a Church. That dude’s theology was a bit whack if I do say so myself, but I wont go there. So many times, I have asked why I’ve been plagued with IF problems. I blamed so many, God included, for my pain. All I can say is that He doesn’t work that way. I’m not a great scholar of the Bible. I actually call myself a “Practicing Christian” like Dr’s PRACTICE medicine. I am not a preacher, far from it. All I know is what I’ve experienced. We all make mistakes, in every part of our lives. I just humbly admit that I’m one of those with a lot of mistakes under my belt, and a lot more to come. I think that some just “know not what they do” and cut us to the bone. It took me a long time to consider people as “we are all in this together” rather than “Us and Them”. Everybody has a different journey in this life. Bottom line- this isn’t your fault, you are stronger than you think you are, and your emotions are YOURS and you can have whatever you want, whenever you want.
I could go on forever, and I HAVE! But I just wish you lots of rainbows, cute kitties, CHOCOLATE! and some serious super-HUGS!
I am terribly sorry to hear all about this… If it would help, that guy’s doctrine isn’t biblical. Not being baptized does not necessarily equate to experiencing chaos, loss, heartbreaks in our lives. Boy, I wish I was there I could have whacked him in the butt!