I decided we’re going to hire an arborist to take care of the tree. Screw this, I’m not fooling around with it. If it was “just a tree” then fine, I’ll play around with it. But I’m terrified I’m going to screw up, and I am seriously worried at this point about what that would do to my mental stability. I really had an unpleasant mental freak-out this afternoon, complete with weeping and rocking in the fetal position and a strong desire to start smashing things. Some wispy thoughts of quitting everything and running away back to Canada. I really think I had a bit of a mental break with reality, and it was very not cool. (Only Kel got to see most of it, and I actually erased a couple sentences from the email I sent her, lest she’d freak out and call the cops to come check on me. I know better than to say some things, even in the midst of a really really bad day.)

So. That is the plan. I’ll talk to the “expert” at the local home and garden center to see what I can do in the meantime, I already have an email in to a local arborist, and then I’m going to pray (no, not to g-d… how far gone do you think I am?). Please let this tree live. Please let this be soon enough to reverse the damage already done.

::

I am left feeling a little dazed from the day. Just having trouble focussing on anything. Yesterday I was pouring over research; today I have to read the same sentence three times, and I realize I still didn’t quite get it. It’s just that my brain has turned off… perhaps in self-preservation.

I have hopes to do more with the research… and I have ordered copies of my records. Not because I am going anywhere else (yet), but because I want all the data to go over before my appointment. There is still more I want to look at and hopefully will come up with a good plan. It occurs to me that perhaps it’s strange that I’m coming up with my own protocol for IVF, and normally I like to let the experts do what they do, however I am not very encouraged by the doctor’s shrugs and inability to suggest, umm, anything. I really wish I had a biology background. I’m bummed that the college doesn’t have the intro biology class in the evening this semester or I’d definitely be in it.

Oh, and about IVM – in vitro maturation. IVM involves removing oocytes very early in the cycle, after only a couple days of medications, then maturing them in vitro. This is certainly a promising avenue of research for people with oocyte maturation arrest. However there are two problems with it that have made me scratch it off my list. First being that it is still a new procedure and the summaries I have glanced at cite that results have thus far been disappointing. Currently we were able to get SOME mature eggs out of my body harboring them, and I would hate to take a step backwards. It is something I would consider if we had NO current options, for sure, but right now I think the best success will be found in making small changes to what we did last time. The second major problem is that it is experimental, and thus not covered by insurance. I do hope they are able to make progress with it, however, and find a way to help those women who have total oocyte maturation arrest (no mature eggs). Currently in those cases the only solution is donor eggs.