I would really like to thank all of you who jumped in with suggestions!! I am certainly open to anything right now. And thank you so much for your help in accessing full articles… whether it’s from someone online or someone that Den knows I’m determined to get them. :lol:

Another article: Maturation arrest of human oocytes as a cause of infertility: Case report. I have yet to read the full text, but it is free so I will be doing so at some point (possibly not tonight, as it is already 11pm!) This article finally gives me a name for my condition: “The recognition of oocyte maturation arrest as a specific medical condition may contribute to the characterization of the yet poorly defined entity currently known as ‘oocyte factor’.” This is very very interesting to me. I’m so very glad I’m finding info about my condition, even if it’s not much. Anything to understand it better.

I have a feeling when I walk into my RE’s office next time talking about oocyte maturity and how such-and-such study suggested that maybe we try x, y and z he’s going to be a little taken aback. I have a feeling I’m going to have to be blunt about it and tell him that I prefer to be an educated patient, I want full explanations for everything and I want to be an active participant in my care. I want to help them, and I’m willing to basically be a guinea pig for trying things that may help me (and others with this problem). I also want to make clear to him that I know that they don’t have research showing them what to do and I know that they cannot make me any promises. I am not looking for them to swoop down and make it all better. I understand that’s simply not going to happen. However I expect them to try. Something, anything. With my full knowledge and consent that it’s experimental, I’m okay with that. But I want to be progressive and proactive. If he wants to just play it safe and shrug his shoulders and say, “Well, I don’t know…” then I will go elsewhere.

A few people have expressed to me that I should get a second opinion. And I don’t disagree with that notion, exactly. However at this point my doctor has told me the truth. He wasn’t being obtuse or idiotic when he told me he doesn’t know how to treat this cause of infertility, it’s just that no one knows how to treat this. Maybe there are some doctors trying new things, however, if they are it appears that none of them have published their findings. As of now this condition is not understood by the medical community. So, while there is one other IVF center nearby, I highly doubt they’ll be able to tell me any more than my RE did. (Now if my RE drags his feet and doesn’t put out effort, that’s another story. I’ll know better after our second meeting.)

So far I’m going to ask him about insuline resistence testing, androgen level testing, and one other thing that I can’t currently remember. (Fantastic, Natalie.) They already took blood to test me for chromosomal defects and clotting disorders. I realize I need to get a copy of all my lab tests and everything from the past. I have some of them, but not all. I like to be thorough. I also want to get a copy of my file from my labor and delivery… not sure why, I just want to read it. Another piece to hold onto, I guess.

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I had to have a little chat with Den about allowing me to feel frustrated and upset and hopeless once in a while. Bless his heart, he hates seeing me being so negative and down on myself so he spent all of Thursday trying to cheer me up an show me the bright side. Sometimes that’s a good thing. But sometimes? Sometimes you just want to CRY, you know? So I told him that… that some days I just want to feel bad, and yes, wallow in self-pity for a little bit. Then the next day I’ll get my feet under me and march off in a new direction (or at least take a few wobbly steps). But I think I need that day in the mud. I just need to let it all go and “give up” for a few hours. Holding on top hope is tough. It hurts sometimes. And I simply need to put it down once in a while.

I’m giving up on the TTC thing. I didn’t think it would be this soon, and I probably would still be counting and hoping if it weren’t for that appointment and the knowledge that, more than likely, something is wrong with my eggs. I walked out of there feeling like a fool for setting myself up for yet another huge disappointment. So at this point I know that I probably ovulated this month, and the timing was good, but I can’t remember how long it’s been… and I’ve been intentionally not trying to figure it out. I believe I’m about halfway through my LP. I have a ways to go. We’ll see if I end up breaking down again or if I can truly manage to let this go.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for me to give up on conceiving naturally. That won’t affect whether or not it will ever happen – I just don’t understand why so many people (not my husband, but mostly other relatives) insist on pointing out that, “You never know! Never lose hope!” …. Ummm, why? Does having hope have any effect on anything? No. What it DOES do is make for one horrific crash every single goddamn month. And now that I’m looking at the full situation in front of me I just know I can’t keep doing that. I need to pull myself together and move on mentally… stop obsessing about being pregnant, getting pregnant naturally. If it happens, GREAT. If it doesn’t… well then I’ll be in line for IVF. No harm done, and I’ll have saved myself significant emotional grief.

I was thinking about likening it to, say, someone living in government housing. Say you’re comfortable. The little place is paid for. But you really really really want a house. Everyone else has a house. It becomes overwhelmingly important to you. So what would you do? Buy a lottery ticket every month and then become hysterical when you don’t win? Or get a job and save your money for a house? Let’s assume for the sake of an argument that a job is fairly easy to get. It’s not pleasant, but it’s not terrible either. I think, were you to do the former, people would start looking funny at you. I highly doubt people would tell you to “keep the faith, you’ll win that lottery some day!” This is how I look at my infertility. I may win the lottery, but it’s not very damn likely. I am not going to plan my future around winning the lottery. I’m going to do IVF.

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I dreamed last night that I was pregnant. Halfway through. The hospital called to tell me that the level II ultrasound went well and that it was a boy. My Lucas. I was so happy… mostly relieved that everything was okay. I thought to myself that I was glad I didn’t have to be there, watching, during the ultrasound… that it was so nice to just know that everything was okay. It didn’t occur to me until I woke up how absurd that was… I was pregnant, and I wasn’t there for the ultrasound? Some things make far more sense in dreamland.