Opportunities
I had an interview today for a job. A job that is not close and will be a bit of a pain to drive to, but comes with health insurance. And I’m going to double-check just to be sure, because at this point I’m feeling all sorts of anxiety about lots of different things, but it’s health insurance that should cover IVF. The interview went very well and I do not anticipate any problems with my references. I expect to be offered the job sometime next week.
I am, quite honestly, kind of terrified. It’s an easy job – a bank teller – but I have this pit of fear in my stomach. Starting a new job means meeting new people, learning new skills, struggling to figure it all out and hoping you’re doing a good job of it. Starting a new job [almost] always sucks. I haven’t held a real job like this for over three years. Actually, it’s been closer to 6 years for this type of formal business job – the rest were working with instructors and peers at my college (which I find a lot less stressful, since I already knew them). Den just keeps looking at me funny and saying, “It’s a job as a teller.” I know that. But I just keep thinking, what if I screw up? It’s not like they’re going to just throw me to the customers and expect me to figure it out as I go along, but gah. I’m just so nervous.
I just have so much swirling around this job. The possibility of IVF is huge and makes this job Important (thus more anxiety). If this all works out we could be looking at starting IVF in Nov/Dec.
But then I think… I’m not supposed to be doing this. I’m supposed to be raising a baby right now. And I’m just terrified about taking this step forward into accepting our current situation. I’ve been keeping my schedule completely open and flexible for three years now, anticipating the baby that will “soon” be here to look after. Filling that just seems so scary to me. And it’s not like I can’t or won’t quit the job to stay home with a child when one comes along. It’s not like I’m signing my life over here. But somehow, to me, this signifies an acceptance of something that I don’t really want to accept.
But I’m not a mommy – not to a child here on earth. I do not have responsibilities keeping me home. In fact, staying home is making me more than a little stir-crazy and this may very well be the thing that I need to get myself sorted out.
And it’s time. I’ve spent the last four and a half months grieving. Waiting. Now it’s time to start living.
I am not really very good with change. Can you tell?
Hey Nat:
I work for a pretty major bank. You are going to be a great teller. You are everything we look for, smart, customer service orientated, able to think on your feet, able to problem solve, reliable and sensible.
This probably is a good step in the right direction. And it’s just a job. If it doesn’t work out, you find something else. Not the end of the world. I promise.
Hang in there, you are making good progress. And always, always you will be Dev’s mum. Always and forever, until the end of time. Instead of carrying him in your arms, you will hold him in your heart.
I agree with the previous comment! You are and always will be a wonderful mom to Dev, even if you do work out of the home. He gets to be with you everywhere, even at work.
I used to be a teller too, and I think you’ll be absolutely wonderful at this job! I hope you get it and that you enjoy it thoroughly.
Lots of love to you…
I hate change, too. But sometimes, it’s golden.
Change can really be scary, yikes. But like other commenters said, it is just a job. You can walk away. You may like it. It’s hard to tell what’s in store. You may find a really good friend there. You may meet suckers, who knows? You’ll just have to tell us all the stories.
And, no matter what happens, whether you stay inside the house for the next 10 years, or go out and have a career, it does NOT change the fact that you ARE Devin’s beautiful mama. You carried him, nurtured him, loved him, birthed him. It does not change that you are a mother. ((hugs))
Having been a teller also, I want to say that it will probably be just the thing for you. Enough of a daily mental challenge that a smart lady like you will not be bored, but also routine enough to get comfortable in the work. One great thing about being a teller is you absolutely cannot take your work home with you. Generally good benefits and pay. Great hours. And it’s also an easy job to leave after it has served you well. Kudos on a good choice.
Having been a teller also, I want to say that it will probably be just the thing for you. Enough of a daily mental challenge that a smart lady like you will not be bored, but also routine enough to get comfortable in the work. One great thing about being a teller is you absolutely cannot take your work home with you. Generally good benefits and pay. Great hours. And it’s also an easy job to leave after it has served you well. Kudos on a good choice.
Since we lost the boys, every small change has made me pretty anxious. Something I used to try to remind myself when I was offered and/or started a new job was that if I hated it, I could quit. The key is to quit before it makes you miserable, which I always had trouble with.
Good luck with your decision. I’m sure you’ll do just fine whatever you choose!
Oh Natalie, I’m so excited for you! Yes, change is terrifying but think of all the good things that might happen – you may even love your job! Working gives me confidence, a paycheck that justifies my little indulgences and a chance to interact with all kinds of people. You’ll never know until you give it a try. I have my fingers crossed for you. Good luck in your new endeavor!
“Start living” = good, I think. Bitter pill to swallow, but necessary. Natalie, although I don’t know you personally besides thru this blog, I can say that I do think you are a perfect reflection of the exact feelings and cycles that KuKd women (and stillbirth mommies in particular) go through. Time will heal (and looks like it already IS healing).
I don’t think I know anyone who actually likes change. Even changes for the better can be difficult.
As others have said, change can be scary, but also good. Sometimes too much routine can get tedious and that’s when we tend to go stir crazy. Just take it all in stride.
I understand your feelings when you say you should be home raising a baby. I feel the same way too… and often, especially the past few months. I think I may have said it out loud a few times to colleagues. Anyhow, don’t forget that you are and will always be a mother to a wonderful child. Keeping you in my prayers *hugs*
Change is always hard especially after what you’ve been through. I think starting a new job is a good start. I actually quit my job as a teller supervisor after we lost our son. I loved that job but I had anticipated something completely different for my life and that job wasn’t in the cards. So I refocused…changed my direction so to speak and put all of my energy into finishing up my last sememster of college. I can’t tell you how much of a healer that was for me. It kept me so focused on things other than babies, why I didn’t have mine, and when I could have one again. Obviously I only know you from reading this blog but if I had to bet money I’d say you would make a great teller! It’s not the easiest job or the most glamourous but I did that and supervisor for MANY years and there are some days I miss the customers and my co-workers. It’s the right mix of thinking and enjoyment of people but not so overly stressful that you come home hating the job. I hope it all works out for you natalie.
I felt the same way I should have been home raising my baby…but you’ll forever be a mom to Devin he’s just not physically here with you…always there in your heart though. Good luck hun!