Today I got in the mail a notice from FirstCandle that several online friends of mine made a donation to stillbirth research in Devin’s memory. Thank you, girls!! I have looked at March of Dimes, knowing that many people choose to donate to them. I was looking for something that did more for stillbirth reserach, however. And you girls seem to have found what I was looking for, without me saying a word. That means so very much.

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I’ve been thinking about my SIL a lot. I haven’t talked to her since the last time I went over there, which was over 2 weeks ago. At first it was because I wanted to give them space… then I realized I needed to give me space. It was a heck of a lot easier on me to just not think about them. I tried hard those first two weeks of BabyH’s life… I tried really hard. I got through it, I dealt with a lot of grief issues, I cried a lot. And then I just needed a break.

But now I’m feeling guilty. I know they understand why, but… I’m sad. SIL is a friend and I don’t like avoiding her. Of course today, the day that I start really feeling like I could or should go over there I can’t – I’m sick. No going near baby. So I’ll just have to wait a little longer.

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I’m in a kind of crappy place of thinking maybe I am pregnant. I say crappy because what I REALLy want to do is shove my fingers in my ears and say LALALA until such time as I get a positive pregnancy test and can celebrate. Until that point all I have to look forward to is the building hope every cycle, and then the punch in the gut at the end of it. I’d found a nice zen place to be, but it’s getting harder and harder to just let it go. I WANT this. And when you WANT something it hurts when you don’t have it. Sometimes I really hate hope.