Two days ago I skipped into Den’s office to babble off yet another stream of conciousness and in that stream I realized… I feel pretty good. Actually, I feel pretty good about myself. My thought process missed a beat there, so unexpected was the feeling. I didn’t think I’d ever feel okay with my body again, so angry was I at it for leaving me changed and childless all at the same time. It was as if I could handle my body changing after pregnancy or losing my baby, but having to deal with both pushed me over the edge at times.

So here I am, a little over 3 months later, and I’m starting to feel okay in my skin again. I’m getting extremely close to my pre-pregnancy weight. I’m not putting in a huge effort, as some days just getting out of bed seems like a huge accomplishment, and screw any kind of exercise. But I’m getting there. It’s exciting to see the scale slowly creep downward. It’s a weight lifted from me in two ways.

I explained to Den that I think I’m a tiny bit relieved I’m not pregnant yet… it gives me time to get used to me again. I LOVE being pregnant, as you all well know. And it made me a little nervous how lost I felt afterwards. I didn’t know who I was anymore… I had forgotten how to appreciate being just me. I’m slowly getting it back, slowly re-adjusting. When I walk by a mirror I no longer feel shock and sorrow as I realize there’s no big belly there. Being not-pregnant has become the norm again. And I think my kneejerk desperation to get pregnant right away was to fill that hole and not have to deal with the current state of being – or not-being, as it were. And I think this re-adjustment has been good for me, for my well-being. Finding new stable ground again. I know either way I’d make it back to stable ground at some point, but I feel a little bit better being stable again before getting pregnant. I’m looking forward to it again, as a journey. A change to embrace and enjoy.

I find myself being amazed. I feel good, and I look pretty darn good. And I just had a baby 3 months ago. That’s a little crazy. It’s all more than a little crazy. How can my body do all that and bounce back like this? Amazing.

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Body changes in summary:

My hair is all falling out. It’s terrible. The last week or two have been bad, suddenly it’s just all coming out in handfuls. It’s summertime now so I’m wearing short-sleeved shirts and tank tops, and I am constantly twitching because of a stray hair tickling my shoulders and arms. It’s driving me a little crazy.

My face is slowly getting back to normal. It was really really bad for a couple of months – so oily I couldn’t stand it. I find myself able to get away with less frequent washings (only 1 or 2 times a day now) without my face becoming a greasy, zit-covered mess. I did manage to get one lone pimple right under my nose, though. Fantastic.

I have not noticed AF to be any heavier than it used to be. It’s gone already, so a normal 3-4 day run. Maybe one day of that is heavier than “usual” but it’s nothing remarkable. I feel good to have two periods behind me now, I feel like my body has cleaned itself out sufficiently and it’s now ready for a new pregnancy.

Mood is still the same. Mostly good, sometimes bad, anxiety when I forget my meds. I can deal with it. I’m thankful that the good days outnumber the bad. I know people said that would happen, but I guess I didn’t expect it so soon. And I don’t really feel guilty about it, either – I see so many women feeling guilty and upset because they have good days months after a terrible loss. I don’t. It’s not like I’m not sad. I think about him every single day, and I spend a lot of my time actively remembering, whether it’s by writing or creating graphics, or working on his scrapbook, or talking about him. I will never leave him behind. But I do have to move forward, too. One of his gifts was teaching me to live in the moment, to appreciate what I have, and I’m trying my damndest to continue doing that.

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There was what I thought to be an interesting topic on one of my forums recently. Someone mentioned loss dates and how upsetting it is to have someone else “take” those dates (someone else’s baby being born on “your” date, whether it’s your lost baby’s due date or the anniversary of a loss, or another date that’s important to you in regards to a loss). I thought about it all day. It’s obvious to me that this protectiveness of dates is much, much stronger when it’s connected to a loss. For a live baby I don’t see half the reaction when another child is born on the due date or birthday. Oh sure, sometimes you see some jealousy come up, but you don’t normally see someone burst into tears and have a minor meltdown over it. When was the last time you heard someone even speak about a living child’s due date? Other than that first year – when it’s either a case of “due date’s past, baby’s still not here!” or “baby’s here already, too busy/tired to think about due date” it’s most often forgotten. When you lose a child it’s like that date gets burned into your brain. The date they should have been here. As if, had they made it to that date, it would all be different. Your due date is the “should have been.” (I just realized there is a whole group of people with living children who obsess over due dates: preemie mamas. And that’s another case of “what could/should have been.”)

What we babyloss mamas have are so few, so limited. We won’t have those milestones to look forward to and keep track of, we won’t have new photos, we won’t have new experiences to ease the unhappy ones. What we have now is all we’ll ever have in connection with our lost child, and I think that makes us cling very very tightly to what we do have… to things like dates, symbols, names.

Someone also mentioned the fear that if a happy occassion takes place on or near a loss anniversary that no one will remember the loss. Everyone remembers a living child’s birthday, the excitement eclipses the sorrow of a loss. It’s easy enough as it is for family to forget about special days for a chid who isn’t here. I can only hope that our families will be as understanding and caring a year from now as they have been this first year. But on that note, I think some of it does fall on us, the babyloss mamas, to remind others of how important it is to remember special dates, to remind them of the need to be sensitive. I have learned in marriage that you really do have to ask for what you need – the same is true with extended family and friends.

I think we did a great thing in planting Devin’s cherry tree on his due date. In a way it did give a new experience, a new, somewhat postive memory for that day.

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I’ve also been thinking a lot about what I will do during my next pregnancy – or rather, what I should and shouldn’t do. For those couple of days when I entertained the possbility of being pregnant again I was thinking about things like will I join a due date club on my forum? In my head it’s a given, but I see other people mention how they couldn’t, how it’s too scary, how it’s too sad. So I spent time wondering if maybe, having gone through what I have, I should just avoid that sort of thing… or at least wait a while.

But then I realized that, you know, what works for other people doesn’t necessarily work for me. If I do feel like throwing myself whole-hearted into my next pregnancy, maybe it will be stupid, maybe I will be risking my heart in a whole different way, but maybe that’s just who I am. I see nothing gained by holding myself back from experiences out of fear. If I truly don’t want to do something then by all means I won’t. But if I want to do something, if my inclination is to dive right in and what’s holding me back is that little voice saying you shouldn’t do this, then fuck it. That little voice gets louder when I see what other people do – it’s the voice of “should” and “normal.” Screw normal! I’m me.

I have a feeling my next pregnancy is going to be a wild ride. But, like everything else I do, it’s going to be a unique one. Whenever it does come I will welcome it with open arms and embrace the experience for what it is. That’s just how I am… that’s just how I “should” be.