Trigger shot
I’ve seen on forums people giving warnings about “triggers.” I understood conceptually, but not personally. Reading about another’s circumstance never made it worse for me. My pain was separate, unconnected.
Tonight I understand.
The rest of that book was indeed about pregnancy. I couldn’t not finish it, even though I kept telling myself it would be better to just leave it alone. But I was so close to finished so I kept reading, though a little faster than usual. I figured the book would have a happy end – and it did – but not without a major pregnancy issue that resulted in a scary preemie birth. My first thought when reading as the shit went down was, oh no, if the baby dies… I don’t want to read that, I don’t want to deal with that. But when it became apparent that the baby was going to live and everything was going to end in a sunshiny happy family moment I got very angry. Books always do that… major bad things happen, but everything is okay in the end. The baby never dies in books. But that’s not how real life is. Guess dead babies don’t make good stories.
The worst part was reading the part after everthing was coming around and reading about the protagonist’s wonder with her baby daughter, all the little things I will never get to know like the funny sounds they make, the way they flail around awkwardly. I skipped those parts. But it stuck in my mind.
I was excited tonight because the season finale of House was on. (If you haven’t seen it yet, do not read any further, spoilers in action.) I excused myself from my conversation with my dad, got some food, and settled on the couch to read.
Here’s the big spoiler: someone dies. And I. Fell. Apart. Watching the loved one break up as he hears the news, as he watches her die, watching him sob in gut-wrenching grief… It was too much for me. It was no longer about the TV show’s characters. I’ve cried for characters before, but I cried for them, not for me. All those pregnant and baby thoughts from the book were still lingering in my mind, and they combined with the grief bubbling up due to the show. I broke down sobbing, feeling like my heart was breaking all over again.
I know I have to go through this grief over and over to get to the other side. But there is no word for how much it sucks. I feel like I’m drowning in despair. I know at this point that it is possible to have good days, happy days. But on days like today none of it seems to matter. The whole preganncy seems like a dream, as do good days and future plans. All I know is what I do not have right now. My son is buried in a graveyard instead of being in my arms.
Delurking jsut to say I so , so wish I could give you a big hug, I’m miles away in England,
I have read your story every day since your knew that Devin had gone, I came from another blog,
Your writting is beautiful, I just so wish I wasn’t reading it, I wish I didn’t even know who you were and if I had happened across your blog it would be just another IF to baby story.
I wish in all my heart that you fall pregnant again soon , I wnat to be able to shriek at the screen when I see your BFP, what I want doesn’t matter of course, I just so wish you had want you want , Devin in your arms
Heartwrenching. So very sorry.
Oh, Natalie. I’m so sorry.
Sending you hugs and thoughts.
I am so sorry. I can’t think of anything else to say. Nobody should have to experience this pit of despair you are in. I want you to know that you are a good person and that you are not being punished. I hope you know that.
I’m sorry about those triggers, they really bite especially when you’re unprepared.
Just so you know, I’m 15 months out now, and yesterday, en route to pick up Bella’s new bike, we passed the cemetery. And just as I glanced over (it’s beautiful) I witnessed pallbearers carrying a black coffin to a gravesite. And I lost it right there, in a millisecond, in the car. Like you said, I cried for *me*. Although now I understand totally what’s going on right there, a few steps away, to complete strangers. Probably makes it worse.
Oy, I am sorry for the trigger (although when I first read the subject I thought, wait, is she doing an hcg trigger?). It’s so hard when it comes on unexpectedly like that.
TV shows/movies/etc do that to me as well. Watching someone crack up and do the gut wrenching sigh reminds me of the early days, when I didn’t even know I could cry like that. I just let the tears (and sometimes my own GWSobs) come. For me. Because it sucks to understand that pain of loss. Because it sucks to be without our babies.
So sorry that those things combined made you break down sobbing. The show was one of the most emotional and best finales to air yet. I cried through half the show.
I’m so sorry that it hit you again. I read all the time, but I never comment because, well… Most of the time I have absolutely zero to add. But I had to chime in and say that I think a lot of people were crying toward the end of House last night. That was easily one of the most emotional episodes ever. The actors did an amazing job – the grief was so real, so enveloping. I can see how it would make you remember your own grief so well. But I’m still sorry you had to go through that.
I’m sorry. Triggers just plain SUCK. It’s not fair that after all the pain we’ve been through, the most simple things in life and even our escapes can bring back the pain. I’m sorry you had to experience these triggers – I wish you could go on only understanding conceptually.
“Books always do that… major bad things happen, but everything is okay in the end. The baby never dies in books. But that’s not how real life is. Guess dead babies don’t make good stories.”
You are such a fantastic writer. You should make this happen. We’re all addicted to your blog and would be just as addicted to your book.
Thinking of you. :hug:
Delurink to say , I just wish I could give you a big , big hug, I’m so far away in England so I doubt my arms would reach!
I think of you every day and think that your writing is very beautiful, I’m sure it has been said before but these words would help so many others , have you considered publishing ?
I also wish I never knew anything about you,
I wish that I hadn’t found you through another blog when you firat knew Devin had gone,
I wish you were just another IF to Baby blog that I come across filled with baby news,
I wish you didn’t have to write down all that you do I wish you were so busy you didn’t have time,
But most of all I wish that Devin was in your arms.
Becky
Sorry about the double post , my computer wouldn’t show me the origianl :(
I’ve been thinking of you sweetie.
I’ve been lurking for a while again because, like someone else commented up there, usually I have nothing to add but what has already been said.
There are posts however where I can’t be silent. This one was so heartwrenching … the emotional rollercoaster must be exhausting. From relatively good happy days to this in the blink of an eye.
I can’t say anything else but that we think of you guys daily, and would give anything to give you a real hug.
Btw – interesting that it has been brought up several times: the quality of your writing. I always thought you were a wonderful writer but lately you seem to elevate the level even higher. Seriously. HAVE you ever considered publishing?
I haven’t checked in here in awhile. I am sorry this is so hard. I wish I could make it easier for you.
That episode got me too. I am still mulling over and formulating my post on it. In a few days, I think.
And no, you never know what will get you. Well, some things you learn to predict, but most are bloody unexpected. I am sorry…
It’s okay to cry for yourself. It’s the only way to heal. Thinking of you.