Bad Day
Don’t get the impression that I’m always calm and accepting of my life and working through things in a positive, healthy way. I’m not.
This evening I’m simply pissed off. I’m pissed that this happens to people at all, what with all our fancy medicine and knowledge. I’m pissed that, of all the people in the world, it had to happen to me. I’m pissed that my husband, who is fantastic with kids, still does not have a child to raise. I’m pissed that all this time and energy and love I invested in my child counted for absolutely nothing in the end. I’m pissed that we had to go through two IVFs just to get pregnant in the first place when so many people just have to get naked to get knocked up. I’m pissed that my mom’s first grandchild is a dead baby. I’m pissed that now when I get into a funk I just don’t get mopey about little random shit, I start bawling because it hurts so much that my son isn’t here. I’m pissed that I have to go through life with this “new normal” when all I wanted was a child. I mean, I’m not asking for that fucking much. For a large percentage of the world having a family involves throwing out the birth control. So why, WHY for us does it have to involve so much fear and pain and suffering?
But I don’t like writing here when I feel like this. I write, just not here. I should at least make some sort of note of my bad days/hours, just so when I look back I know they were there. But what is there really to say? I am angry. Of course I’m angry. It fucking sucks.
I am pissed off for you. I don’t understand why anyone has to go through this, much less after the anxiety you faced while dealing with infertility. It’s one insult after the other. And the phrase “It fucking sucks” just sums it up so well. I think I used it myself today in a conversation with a friend. Hope tomorrow’s a better day.
It does really fucking suck. All of it. And sometimes I feel like EVERYTHING pisses me off — that the little stuff just piles on and is the universe’s way of telling me to just get off the happy hope train already.
I’m glad you write when you feel like this. You should. Get it out. Beats punching a hole in the wall.
Hugs, Nat. It really does suck. I think of you often.
In fact, your post about planting things got me going today. I literally spent all day outside weeding, digging, and planting. My flower beds out front were is piss poor shape and your post made me get out there and do something about it. Thanks! It looks so pretty now.
*hugs* And you have every right to feel this way and it is perfectly normal. The “new normal” still sucks, though it is good you are slowly finding new and productive things as well as having good days. This pain will never go away completely. You are still doing amazing and are very strong.
I don’t know what to say Natalie – it’s already been said by the pps – it all sucks. Trying to adjust is one of the hardest and worst things (if not THE) you may ever have to undertake in this life.
Even if you don’t write it here, I think it is good that you are writing it somewhere. I say that because writing my anger and ugliness out was what I did and I did find it to be helpful. Though, I dare say very few of us are going to be surprised by any anger you might express.
Hugs.
Please write wherever you feel comfortable. It is so important to feel those emotions and sort through them. Writing is so therapeutic for you so I know it helps, even if just a little bit.
I am thinking of you always. I wish I had more words but there are none.
It does fucking suck. You have every right to be angry.