After Devin was born I still managed to find some comfort in the same online forums. I was okay with posting in some of the same groups, reading along. I had a birth experience, I had something to contribute too. Friends were having babies and I happily looked forward to reading about their birth experiences. For a while I fit in just fine and I thought to myself that it was nice, that I could still stay involved. Devin was included in birth stats and birth stories. There was comfort in that. I mistakenly took this as a sign of how things would continue.

But they moved on. Discussions moved from birth stories to feeding troubles and gas. Photos stopped being pregnancy photos and started being baby growth photos. I no longer have anything to contribute.

I stay in this one pregnancy forum, because I’m okay being there, reading along, throwing in my comment now and then. But the women in the forum, their pregnancies progress and I’m faced with the knowledge that they, too, will give birth. The next wave of pregnancies will come through.

They all move on. I stand still.

I am frozen at that moment at the end of pregnancy. I want to hold onto that. That third trimester, when you’re looking big, movements are obvious, and labor and delivery is just around the corner. A part of me feels like I need to let go of what was. But a part of me wants to hang on to those good memories. I like reliving those memories, it was my time with Devin.

Today I was at work, chatting, when someone remarked that tomorrow is May. May. The month my SIL will have her baby. I froze for a moment. I decided I do not like May. As hard as it will be to see the new baby, I think waiting for her to show up is going to be worse. Anticipation. Waiting for the inevitable. What should be an eager, exciting time now just makes me flinch. At least once it’s done, it’s done. Once the baby’s here it’s a whole new set of problems, but at least we can move forward from there, get used to the new situation. I’ll be able to face it – see the baby, hold the baby, deal with it. Not just sitting and waiting. Dreading.

Tomorrow, to celebrate the 8 week mark, we have an appointment with Dr. M, the doctor who called and gave me the pathology results. Tomorrow we get to sit down with him and get more info, ask any questions. We don’t know how much more info we’re going to get, since we already have the basic answer, but I really wanted this chance to sit down with him, especially now that I’ve had time to process what he told us and am not super emotional about it – my brain kind of shut off during his phone call.

8 weeks. I don’t like to think about what I should be doing right now… but I know it wouldn’t be going to see the doctor to talk about why my son died.