Healed in one way
Saturday is my SIL’s baby shower. I have very mixed feelings about it.
On one hand I really want to be there. I mentioned before how getting closer to her and the baby makes it easier on me than just standing back and staring and wondering and thinking. Being involved in my neice’s life is I think going to be very important to both Den and I.
On the other hand I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle it emotionally. All the people talking about babies and “when the baby comes home”…. I don’t know, I just don’t know. I also worry that my being there will dampen the mood. Knowing the family, people will be gentle around me – not tip-toeing, but aware. And maybe it’s better if I just weren’t there and let everyone celebrate honestly, because she needs to be celebrated.
I have let SIL know that I hope to show up and will leave when I feel overwhelmed. She understands completely. I’m kind of leaving it to the last minute, because I never know how I’ll feel until the day dawns. Some days are good, some days aren’t so much.
I just hate that all of this is in the way. In the way of SIL and my relationship, in the way of happiness, in the way of moving forward. I hate that every little event now requires careful planning and emotional fortifying. I just get so pissed off that this is what life has dealt us.
::
Today was my 6-week post-partum appointment (though it’s been nearly 7 weeks). I checked in and the receptionist asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. I did have to sit in the waiting room for a few brief minutes, but I was okay with it. I just steadfastly stared at the TV and the fish, avoiding looking at any of the women in the room.
The nurse took me in back apologising for making me wait a few minutes. She took my blood pressure (110/77) and weight (147.8) – though not before asking me if I was okay with getting my weight taken. I was quickly shown into a room. Then the nurse asked me if it was okay if she asked me a few questions, and told me to stop if I felt I couldn’t handle it. She asked me when the baby was born, how much he weighed, what his name was. I just smiled. I’m never upset to talk about my baby.
The midwife came in right away. It was the same midwife with whom I had the appointment that day, March 6. She was there when I found out Devin had died – she’s the one who sat with me all day, who made sure I had everything I needed, who listened when I talked and hugged me when I cried. I’m glad they arranged for me to see her today.
She asked me how I was doing and I talked. I talked a lot, actually. Once in a while I would stop and wonder if I should just shut up now, but she was so quiet, just nodding, and she seemed in no hurry to leave. So I kept talking. I did start crying a little bit at one point, talking about how beautiful my labor was, how thankful I was for it, how Devin gave me that. She said with a small smile, “He gave you much more than that, I’m sure.”
I told her that we want to start TTC right away. She said ideally my body would heal a bit first, but in our case she “isn’t going to tell [us] to use protection.” They seem to understand that between our emotional need to be pregnant again and our previous fertility problems that waiting would not be beneficial, so we take what we get. Chances are very good that my body will have at least a couple more months of healing before anything happens… or before we head to the RE again.
I asked what would happen during a subsequent pregnancy. She said that since it’s a non-recurring issue that there’s no need to talk to a genetic counselor or have any increased monitoring… nor any reason I would be unable to continue seeing them. (As a Midwife group they have to hand off any patient who is high risk.) I mentioned that I really feel that I’m going to be paranoid as hell, like in the first tri when we won’t be able to hear anything by doppler yet. She said that my feeling panicked is a good enough reason for them to give me an early ultrasound, and that if a month between appointments is too much for me then they can do them more frequently if I want. So basically it sounds like I’ll be calling the shots, and they’ll do whatever they can to get me through it, even if, scientifically speaking, there’s no risk factors that call for increased monitoring. She also mentioned in passing that they would completely understand if I decided to go to a different care provider next time because of bad memories or whatnot. I explained to her that I’ve had the opposite reaction… I felt I had such good care of me and Devin and I really feel that I need to stay with them next time (even though I had somewhat planned to go back to my old Midwife after this pregnancy was over).
I have a lot of questions about what happened to him, about the amniotic bands, but that is something I’ll have to bring up with the peri when we see him on May 1 (the one who called us with the autopsy results).
It was very strange walking out of there, knowing that was the last time I’ll see them until my annual pap in September… or my next pregnancy. It’s another indication of that chapter closing. No longer pregnant. It’s like I took an 8-month daydream out of my old life – a crazy, wonderful dream – and now I’m back again. I’m right back where I started, wondering if what I remember really happened. My body is healed, the pets are the same as always, I’m back to work… all I have is a tree blooming in my front yard, some boxes stored in the basement, and memories that fade a little more each day.
You know Natalie reading your post reminded me much of my own experience. I remember walking into my 6 week appointment with only one baby (we lost his twin) and felt so…empty. I remember feeling selfish because, afterall, I did have one baby. As if the fact that I had him made up for losing his brother. I just stared at the TV while in the waiting room. It all made me so sad, angry, sick really. It wasn’t that I wished what I went through on any other woman in the room I just wished things were different for me.
Your choice of going back to the same provider makes sense. I did the same thing with my second pregnancy. I felt somehow connected. We had a bond. A history. I did not want to lose that connection with my son. I always thought of those appointments as my time with him.
Thanks for sharing you thoughts. I look forward to reading your blog every day.
Your last paragraph says it all.
My 6 week appointment was the same. sitting with a whole lot of pg women, wishing I was pg again.
I took a book of photos in to show my Ob (I had to deliver at a different hospital). I think now it was kind of a horrible thing to do to him the first time he saw me after Zak died. He got very upset.
I did go back to him for my first IVF cycle after Zak but I really think he found it hard to have me in his care. I loved him as a IVF Dr and a Ob but seeing him and knowing he felt so sad about it all made me feel bad.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do about the baby shower. 3 days after Zak’s funeral I went to the hospital to see my cousins baby. i was fine until I worked out everyone was staring at me, waiting for me to get upset. Some of them even cried when they saw me. i think I was still in shock because nearly 2 years later she has had her second and i couldnt bring myself to go see her baby at the hospital.
Make sure you do whatever you need to do. Everyone will understand.
Hugs
xxx
I’m so glad you had such a, um, positive? meaningful? experience at the office. I’m always encouraged to read these as mine was a disaster. (I’ve yet to schedule my annual. Gah.)
As per the shower, you need to do what’s best for YOU. Not your SIL (they’ll be plenty of love there for her), or the future kid (s/he won’t know), but YOU. If that means going and then leaving, or staying away altogether, that’s fine. Be gentle on yourself, this whole thing takes so much time.
i’m so happy that the office treated you with such care. it’s so important to have that. i felt everything you did…as if i just work up from a beautiful and tragic 7 month daydream. i was told that we could start trying right away too. nothing genetic or re-occurring…and that does help a little bit in subsequent pregnancies, but you will still be a basket case, unfortunately. i’m being treated as a normal pregnancy, although with my nervousness, i was able to get more ultrasounds, i saw my doc every 3 weeks at the beginning and i actually get a non-stress test weekly right now…which gives me a sense of comfort. it’s so important to have caring health professionals. i truly am glad you are seeing some caring people.
the baby shower is totally up to you. know that people will understand whatever choice you make. during this time, you have to be selfish and heal. there will come a time where things like this won’t be so hard. but until that time comes, don’t push it. you are going through one of the hardest losses someone has to face in their life and people understand that.
you’re in my thoughts.
So glad that you have care by people you trust. I think too many doctors don’t treat “just being panicked” as something to consider medically, although you’d think midwives and OB’s would be prepared to deal with a lot of that. Amidst all you’re going through, at least you have one small thing going right.
Deborah
You are a brave soul to want to even attempt your SIL’s shower. I can’t imagine sitting through that, even for a minute. I think (hope) she would understand if you decide you couldn’t handle it. You need to do whatever is best for you and your self-preservation.
The last paragraph was very insightful. I often think, did this really happen?
I am glad your appointment went OK and they were very considerate. It does feel like a daydream, I often find myself wondering if it all really happened.
Shower – I don’t know, I think you have a good handle on the fact that your presence will be appreciated, yet sad. Hard for all parties involved. I personally would avoid it, just because as I tried to continue to have a relationship with the SIL, I wouldnt want something to happen there that would push us away. Were you ok with baby showers when going through IF?
Take care of yourself first.
Glad you had a good appointment. As for the baby shower, I agree, I think you’re brave to even think about going. I always have those feelings too — will they be offended if I don’t go? Will having me there (like the dark cloud on the sunny horizon) be too much of a bad reminder to the mother to be of what can & does sometimes go wrong? I say be kind to yourself. It sounds like your SIL is understanding. She will have lots of people fussing over her at the shower. You need to look out for YOU right now.
I was lucky, I wasn’t invited to any baby showers for quite awhile after my loss, & these days, I don’t think anyone imagines that they would still be painful for me. But they still are.
Natalie, I just had the thought that being involved with your SIL and her baby doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be present at her baby shower. You could make plans to visit her after the shower is over and most of the stuff is put away, for a piece of cake or something. Whatever you decide will be okay, but I just wanted you to know about what came into my mind as I read your post. I’m still thinking of you daily. Much love to you.
I think that you’re amazing, Nat. And I am so very glad to virtually know you.
Seriously, you are awesome (and that is NOT something I say to just anybody).
I’m coming out of lurkdom to comment and say that I felt the same post pardom after the loss of my son. I actually didn’t even sit in the waiting area…they took me back immediately and I also had planned to see another dr after my pregnancy but turns out the best thing for me was sticking with the dr who took care of me the day we found out our son was no longer with us. I asked all those same questions (probably more) and my dr was amazing. In both subsequent pregnancies, I was considered high risk and he took amazing care of me. If I called in with any fear or anything I thought was abnormal they saw me immediately. I had 7 u/s with both my daughter and second son and had an echo cardiogram done on my son for another precaution that my dr wanted to take. It really is irreplaceable having a care provider that can understand what your needs are and meet them. It’s a shame that a loss takes away the beauty of what pregnancy really is. I couldn’t even endure a baby shower for either of my next two children as I thought it may jinx me. We had showers after they were both born.
I’m very sorry for your loss Natalie. Everything you are feeling is what I’ve gone through and your blog has been theurapeutic in helping me deal with some feelings I haven’t wanted to deal with since the loss of our son (which was in 2002). I wish you nothing but the best of luck in the future.
I’m so glad your appointment was so good. I’m actually sad that I don’t get to see my midwife until I’m pregnant again. She was so comforting and soothing. She would walk into the room, in the midst of all the craziness and crying and pain, and I would suddenly feel “ahh, I can breathe again.”.
I’ll be thinking of you on Saturday, and hoping that things go as well as they possibly can.
You are handling yourself so well. You amaze me. Thinking of you.
Wow. Your nurse and midwife sound so wonderful. I’m so glad they’re taking such good care of you. I don’t think everyone can do that so well.
Thank goodness you planted that tree. I think it will be a beautiful, wonderful memorial for you. My Uncle did the same when my 11 yr old cousin passed away from cancer. He planted it in memory of her in their schoolyard, but he still visits it for her birthday every year.
XOXO
The nurse (who sees the patients first) at my doctor’s office also apologized for me having to sit in the waiting area, for all of five minutes, and asked how I did sitting there. And I am also with the same doctor (and nurse). He is taking an amazing care of me.
The only thing about trying right away, I would say, is that there is some research that shows that short interpregnancy intervals (less than six months) increase the likelihood of pre-term labor. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start trying right away, but I would say that it does mean that if you succeed in the first couple of tries, monitoring cervix length and state in that pregnancy extra carefully would be a good idea.
I also agree that waiting to see how you feel about the shower until the day of is a good move, as is giving yourself permission to leave any time you feel like you have to, even if it’s five minutes after showing up. I also like the thought of maybe coming by yourself after the shower, so that you don’t have to be self-conscious about whether or not you are putting the damper on the festivities. good luck either way– I am sure it will be a tough day.
Your last paragraph was so poignant and profound. I feel peace reading it.