Fast Forward Button?
I loved living in the moment, I appreciated everything. I want to be able to do that again, but it is so far out of reach right now. The moment sucks. Sometimes I run across some other posting that makes me think about my day and try to find something positive that happened. I usually can’t. I can sometimes identify things that “didn’t suck much.” I can identify good times I spent with my husband, or good conversations I had with a close friend. But “positive”? Not really.
I realized tonight that my sister-in-law is 34 weeks pregnant, a mere 2 weeks away from the point where I had Devin. It’s so strange how fast it’s going by, and yet it’s not nearly fast enough. I want this all to be over with. I want her to have the baby so I can deal with it and move on. Thinking about her being in her third trimester just sucks the breath right out of me. (And it’s not just her – it’s anyone in their third tri.) Over and over again I think about where I was supposed to be. Big bellies haunt me. I can’t get it out of my head. And when I do I run across someone else who is there and it starts all over again.
I don’t know if her having a newborn is going to be any easier. Just thinking about watching her find her way through new parenthood makes me ache. I was supposed to be blazing the trail before her, sitting with her sharing stories. Now I’m just an observer. Worse than an observer. So no…. I can’t see it being much easier. But it will be different. It’s an unknown. I’ll take my chances if I can just get past this part now.
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I looked up Devin’s sign. He was supposed to be an Aries, but being born early he would have been a Pisces. For some reason that makes my heart ache more. I can see myself parenting a Pisces. I imagined him with a personality like that.
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I am looking for information about returning cycles after pregnancy. I found this note: “After pregnancy, about 50% of women ovulate before their periods return.” But then on another site: “90 percent of women will not ovulate before their first period.” Great.
I love this quote: “Women who don’t breastfeed find that their cycles resume very quickly — as early as four to ten weeks after childbirth.” 4 to 10 weeks. Wow, that’s really… helpful.
Blarg. I’m going to bed.
Hello, I’m new to your blog as of a couple of months ago. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your candid thoughts. I wish so badly things turned out differently.
About to embark on another round of IVF myself. Ain’t it a bitch? Anywho, I just wanted to say that I hope that you and your hubby are better each day. But mostly, I wish that Devlin could be with you right now. Peace to you both.
-S.
Oh good grief, I’m sOOOOOOOOOO sorry, I meant to write Devin. Please forgive me.
I just wanted to share that AF showed up for me about 7 weeks after.
Hi, I just want to say that you write so beautifully and say everything that most of us women are thinking! My cousin had her baby girl a week after I lost my baby. I knew it was going to be tough and eventhough it was, I still had a little joy in me that I could share with her. :)
I always felt that certain things made me feel “better,” but not “good.” Pretty big distinction. I’m sorry you have this bellwether, too. I don’t know what to say there, other than it’s really tough, and your feelings (at least in my perspective) aren’t abnormal.
It is so tough when you can’t just hide from the triggers.
My period returned not quite 8 weeks later, and I am pretty sure I felt the signs of ovulation about two weeks before that. But since I was also still feeling not physically restored from post-partum, I wasn’t really sure until AF showed up. The length of the cycles was wonky after that, but that likely had to do with my wacky thyroid and not with the normal physical recovery thing.
Oh, you’ll get past this part. And it is the hardest. Others’ easily-won pregnancies still haunt me even now that I’ve had my “rainbow baby”. When I found out my SIL was pregnant a few months after my loss, it felt like being hit over the head with a frying pan. I should have been happy for her but all I could do was cry and be resentful that it came so easy for her. But you sound so strong and so positive! (a lot stronger and more positive than I remember being)