Devin’s Memorial
I cannot explain to you how healing today was. I never woud have expected it to be like this, and I certainly didn’t think that tonight I’d be going to sleep in peace. But I am.
The day started with a long list of things to do. I like my lists, which is a good thing since I’ve been feeling extremely scatter-brained lately. There was food to cook and a house to clean, and of course Devin’s stuff to get ready. My mom took over a lot of the cooking prep, allowing me to fidget with the photos and get everything set up just right. I somehow managed to get the rest of the list completed too, with everyone helping out.
Mom and I took a drive to pick up some food ingredients from SIL and to Walmart with the intention of buying a folding card table and some folding chairs for extra seating. We ended up driving home with a very large, very heavy box in the back of my car containing a table and chairs set – it wasn’t that much more expensive and certainly looked nicer than folding chairs. Unfortunately Den wasn’t as thrilled with this purchase, as he spent the next several hours swearing at them as he put it all together. Folding chairs are a lot less stressful in that aspect. (I apologised to him several times – I did not think that one through!) But they do look good.
The new table is what I used for all Devin’s stuff. We ended up opening up the breezeway (it gets closed off during winter, as it has poor insulation and no heating) and putting that all out there. It’s right beside the kitchen, so it’s certainly accessible and even viewable from the kitchen itself, but it’s off the beaten path so people wouldn’t be forced to hang out there if they didn’t want to. On the table I put almost everything I had: the photo of Devin, some of me pregnant, his big ultrasound photo, the certificate of life, his hand/footprints, and some ornament gifts we were given including a Willow Tree figurine. Then I also added a binder with those scrapbook pages mom made of my pregnancy, and a blanket that Kel had given me for Devin… I love that blanket, and I keep it in his memory box now. I also had flowers on there that a friend had delivered to me a couple of days ago so they’d be here for the memorial – so thoughtful of her.
MIL was first to show up, as planned, and she helped Den with putting together the chairs, picking out where the tree would be planted, and digging the hole. At one point she was looking at Devin’s handprints and footprints with my mom. She put her hand over Devin’s little handprint, as if measuring, taking in how tiny it is. She commented on how long his little feet were. My mom said, “His hands too – long and skinny just like Natalie’s.”
As people started arriving I noticed a pattern: the couple would come in, both would give us hugs and say hi to everyone who was here. Then Den would take the male downstairs to show off the progress on the room down there while the female would find her way into the breezeway to look at the memorial table, read through the scrapbook, and talk to me. L and D (girlfriends of two of Den’s brothers) both gave me a big hug and told me how strong I am, how they simply imagine what I’m going through. SMIL and MIL had a conversation with me about how wonderful my mom’s scrapbook is and how perfect the lyrics I’d printed out were. MIL asked me about Devin’s photo, said that it was wonderful that someone had touched it up for me so that it’s something I feel good looking at.
When BIL and SIL arrived they gave us a gift bag – a small windchime that says, “Angels watch over me.” Beautiful. I went in and put it on the table with the other momentos, but SIL hung back in the kitchen instead of following me in. I wasn’t sure why she didn’t come in, but of I didn’t want to force anything if she was uncomfortable or the timing wasn’t right. Later on in the evening SIL asked me if she could see the memorial table. She said she wasn’t sure if I wanted people going in there. I was so relieved to realize that she hadn’t gone in out of respect for me, not a lack of desire. I of course told her to go on in.
Conversation wasn’t about Devin all night, and I didn’t mind that…. it felt so different from the chit-chat of friday night, even though when I think about it I know it really wasn’t. But everyone knew why they were here tonight. Even when it wasn’t taked about, it was there in the air. Though that doesn’t mean that people were hesitant and avoiding topics. I think that’s why it felt so okay for me – nothing was avoided or skirted around. If Devin came up, he was taked about. If SIL’s pregnancy came up, it was too. It didn’t feel like anyonoe was uncomfortable or unsure, and that was a relief.
So I moved from group to group, just kind of poking in and listening, sometimes joining. My feet ached, but I didn’t feel like I could sit down for long. I wanted to move, I wanted to talk. Frequently I would look over at Devin’s table and just stare, or wander in there to look at everything. I was like a mother hen, constantly checking on it. It was a place of peace for me. Even when others would get teary looking over things, I just felt peaceful. There was a kind of healing in seeing others get misty over his things. That was what I needed, that was what I was looking for today. No bawling, few words. Just a tear and a hug that says more than any words could do. I hurt too. I guess that’s what memorials are about: sharing in the sorrow together.
Food was really good today, I was very pleased with how everything came out. We cooked some pork tenderloins and two marinated chicken breasts. Then Den’s gram brought chilli, his mom a noodle and sourkraut dish, SIL pasta salad, L potato salad, we had rolls, and then we had brownies from step-MIL and lemon squares from SIL. It was all really good! There was plenty of food, but not overkill. My mom was great at making sure the food was all set out on the table, that there were utensils and plates and napkins available, and she even refilled the dishes when things got low. I normally kind of enjoy being the hostess in that way (even though I don’t have very much experience), but today I am just very glad that she took care of it all and I didn’t have to worry about it. I think it was honestly one of the first times that I mentally handed control of a situation to my mother and was grateful about it without continually checking on things and worrying. It was a relief.
Then Den nudged me and said, “It’s time.” He retrieved everyones coats from our bedroom and everyone filed outside. It was supposed to be nice weather today, but Saturday ended up being the bright and sunny day; today was overcast and it had started sprinkling right before 7:00. Den and MIL gave a frown and a sigh at the weather not cooperating, but I was thinking that it wasn’t such a bad thing for it to be a little rain today. I think it was rather fitting.
Everyone gathered in the yard facing the tree. I stood off to the side of the tree, my big camera hanging around my neck. I snapped two photos of the dragon. Den thanked everyone for coming, said we’re not ones for big ceremonies, but that we were planting this tree in memory of Devin. He placed the tree in the hole and started filling dirt in around the roots. There was silence except for the sounds he made. I just stood there facing the tree, lost in my thoughts, watching. I couldn’t look at everyone standing just off to my left, I didn’t want to think about how everyone was just watching. It ocurred to me that it might be a litte strange for people to be watching my husband shovel dirt into a hole around a tree. No one spoke. I cried a few silent tears as I watched him, just thinking about Devin. Him burying the roots seemed so significant to me…. I thought about Devin being buried, the finality of it all, the goodbye. About how this wasn’t how family was supposed to be gathering right now, this wasn’t how it was supposed to end. Den put the dragon right by the base of the tree, and told everyone how I had picked it out to guard the tree.
Then it was over and people were breaking up, moving back into the house. One of Den’s twin neices ran up to him and whispered something to him – Den nodded in reply. Mom said we should get a photo of me and Den with the tree (which I would have forgotten to do, had she not said something), and I went to get his attention. I turned around to find the neice kneeling in front of the tree, praying. I choked up a little. They get it, they understand – at least as well as they can at age 7. And I will forever remember the image of her kneeling in front of Devin’s tree. (I tried catching a picture of it, but was too late.)
As I headed towards the house I saw SIL very teared up. We hugged each other, clinging for a little while, both crying. BIL and MIL were choked up as well and gave me a big hug each. Then while I was going up the stairs Den’s uncle stepped up and gave me a very tearful a hug. He said in my ear, “I know, I’ve been there. I’ve lost one too. Thank you for letting me be here.” (His son drowned at age 2.) That connection of the bereaved. I could see the sorrow in his eyes, for himself and for us.
When I was back inside the house I found myself in front of the memorial table. I don’t even remember who was in the house or where, I just kind of walked through in a haze, wanting to lose myself in my son’s things. I picked up Devin’s photo and stood there weeping; I could barely see the photo through my tears. After a few minutes Den came in and put his arms around me. When I was done crying I wiped my cheeks and went into the kitchen. SMIL gave me a tearful hug and said, “Better days are coming.” It was the perfect thing to say.
People started leaving after that. I thanked them for coming and truly meant it. I really wasn’t sure how I would feel with a group gathering, I didn’t know how it would all go. I was very pleasantly surprized. I think we both got what we wanted out of it. I got that validation and sympathy that I was looking for, and Den got the comfort and support of family without being oppressively mournful. It was the perfect balance of memorial and celebration of life. We were all gathered in silence outside like at a funeral, but no one was wearing all black and we were planting a tree, not burying the dead. We cried in sorrow, but without collapsing in grief. Not that any of those things would be wrong, but they wouldn’t have been right for us. We found what we needed.
So tonight I sleep in peace, knowing that Devin’s life really was appreciated by those closest to us in addition to all the people online who walk beside us in spirit. There was healing that took place today… a step towards those better days ahead.
::
The table I set up.
A Willow Tree figurine, given to us by two of mom’s friends.
The sheep given to me by online friends.
Devin’s Dragon.
Den and I with the tree.
OMG Natalie! I am sitting here with tears streaming. I am again so very sorry for your loss. You are such a wonderful, brave, strong woman. I will be keeping you and Den in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your day with me via your blog. {{{Hugs}}} Em
Oh god Nat, I am reading this at work and I am having a hard time not to let myself tear up completely.
I am so glad this day turned out to be not one of being uncomfortable and nervous, but one of healing and comfort. I love the dragon. It’s so fitting.
Big hugs from Arno and me.
ps – btw, did our package arrive in one piece?
I’m so glad the memorial was all you wanted and needed it to be. Devin’s memorial table is beautiful. You and Den remain in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))
It sounds like it was perfect – I only wish I could have been there. The guardian dragon is perfect, and the table absolutely gorgeous. That it helped you a little down your path I am so thankful for … and can’t wait to see the tree grow. *hugs* Love you all, hon.
Wow, what a way to start off the work day, with Kleenex!! ; ) I am so glad the day was everything you hoped it would be. Thanks for sharing the photos, everything looks lovely.
Thank you for sharing Devin’s memorial with all of us. He will most definitely never be forgotten.
Thank you for sharing so openly about Devin’s memorial. It really sounds like everything was perfect, for you, for Den, for Devin and for your famliy. I LOVE how you did the Memorial table, everything looked so nice. Anyway, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and again I am so glad that you and Den got what you wanted out of yesterday’s memorial for Devin and more. As your MIL said, “Better days are coming.” That said, you seem to be doing an amazing job taking each day right now for what it is and making the most of it. I am proud of you. You are a great mom to Devin.
Take care,
Kathy
I’ve just come to your blog from Julia’s (I Won’t Fear Love) and read through your archives. I was immediately thrown back to those awful first days after losing my Alex…
I can tell that Devin’s memorial was beautiful. A beautiful tribute to a beautiful boy. I’m so sorry he’s not with you. I’m so sorry to have this reason to know you. I’m just so sorry.
It sounds like you put together a memorial that was meaningful and fitting for you, Den, and your family. I hope it is a helpful part of the healing process.
The memorial table is beautiful and the tree with the dragon is perfect! I think of you, Den, and Devin every day. *Hugs*
I’m trying not to bawl while I read this at work. What a truly beautiful, honoring way to remember little Devin. I clicked over to your “In Memorium” page. Devin was absolutely adorable. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I’m sure the photo was taken shortly after birth, and all babies after birth look a bit traumatized, but Devin was beautiful. You have a handsome angel watching over you. *hugs*
I’m not sure how I stumbled on to your blog but I’ve been reading it for several weeks now. I haven’t commented because I did not want to intrude on your grief. But I wanted to tell you that I think your memorial to Devin was wonderful, and he is undoubtedly very proud of his Mommy and Daddy for their strength in such a devastating time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Den… *hugs*
Oh Natalie, it sounds like it was just PERFECT. Just a perfect celebration of Devin’s life, just the way it should be. I’m so happy that you found peace with this.
*hugs*
(Oh, and I wept through this whole entry)
What a beautiful memorial. It sounds like it went splendidly! I am so proud of you for being so strong. Better days are coming and I pray healing over you and you family. Bless you!
You are so lovely to do this for yourself as well as for your son. Your family is wonderful too. Sometimes I regret that we didn’t have a service, and sometimes I’m thankful because my family turned out to be a bunch of vacuous twits on the subject of my dead daughter, and I’m glad I didn’t find out when I was still raw. The image of planting the tree was beautiful — thank you so much for sharing all of this.
Natalie, I am so glad that you could find peace in sleep last night. What a beatiful way to remember your precious little boy. May his tree flourish protected always by his dragon. You and Den are in my thoughts and prayers.
xxx
It sounds like a perfect day for your family. I am glad it gave you peace and that you got to see so many people genuinely touched by Devin.
We lit some candles for him and for others last night at 6:58. I wrote about it, if you are feeling up to reading.
I’m so glad to hear Devin’s memorial went well. The whole day sounds like it was perfect (or as perfect as something can be, given the circumstances). The tree is a beautiful reminder of your little boy. I really do hope that better days are coming for you.
I’ve been reading your blog all along, but this post really made me cry. I think it’s incredible how you had the strength to gather your family and friends to celebrate and remember Devin. I hope that this gathering will help continue to make his memory a blessing for your entire family.
You and Den were never very far from our thoughts last night. I’m so glad that things went so well, and your family was able to support you.
Devin’s dragon is beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing.
I think that the Memorial sounds incredible & Devin is looking down on you two smiling!!!
What a beautiful memorial – thank you for sharing.
As I sit here and cry – I just want you to know how honored I feel that you have shared so much of yourself and Devin with us.
The memorial and tree planting sounds beautiful – I am so glad it turned out to be the day you hoped it would be.
There are rough days ahead – nature of the beast, but your smil is right, better days are ahead also.
Continued thoughts and prayers for peace, comfort and strength to you and your family.
Thank you so much for sharing Devin’s memorial experience. It was so incredibly powerful and I almost felt as if I was there. I was in spirit but your words made it seem as if I was a fly on the wall looking in at all of you.
Better days really are ahead. And I am so glad that you were able to find peace and you and Den were both able to get what you needed out of everything.
My love and prayers to you. XOXO
I abide, in spirit, with you. I am glad that are are trying to make peace with all of this, to survive. You are a strong person (though, of course, what a suck way to find out). I honeslty know that i wouldn’t fare as well.
just another internet stranger who thinks of you, especially during this week.
Driving today I heard “Who You’d Be Today” by Kenny Chesney. Do you know that song? I had just read your entry about the memorial, and you were on my mind. Then that song came on. It reminded me of you, Den, and Devin. Thought I would pass it along to you.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin’ in the rain.
I still can’t believe you’re gone.
It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
An’ sometimes I wonder,
Who’d you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky’s so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An’ I know it might sound crazy.
It ain’t fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I’ve been through,
Just knowin’ no-one could take your place.
An’ sometimes I wonder,
Who you’d be today?
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I’ll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day.
I am still amazed and inspired by your strength. What a wonderful tribute for Devin. Thank you for sharing and may God continue to hold you close.
Thanks so much for sharing this with us all. I’m glad the memorial gave you and Den what you needed. Also, thanks for sharing Devin’s photo. He was a beautiful baby boy. You, Den and Devin are in my thoughts every day.
I can barely type through my tears. It sounds like it was a wonderful memorial. I loved everything you put on the table. Thank you for sharing this.
Once again you have shown me how strong you are. You and Den are wonderful people. I am glad you have been able to find peace.
One more time I stand here and I cry for you. I too believe that Better days are coming. I told about you for my mom today, and the strange thing is that she said the same thing: Better days are coming. We will be praying for you
Hugs
What a beautiful memorial. Please post pictures of the tree when it is in bloom. :-) That will be lovely to see.
*HUGS* I don’t have the words, only the tears. He will never be forgotten.
Natalie and Den, this is absolutely beautiful. I have no other words. You’re still in my prayers *hugs*
I am moved along with everyone else.
Devin’s memorial sounded beautiful, very fitting for a much loved little boy. The dragon is a perfect little guardian.
((Hugs))
natalie… there are no words. I’m delurking for the first time since I heard the news through Serenity. I am literally in tears each and every time I stop by to see how you’re doing. I can’t imagine the pain of your loss and I am more than amazed at how you and Den are handling yourselves. Devin was a beautiful child and he is so lucky to have parents and family and friends who love him. Peace to you.
Thank you so, so much for sharing this. It was beautiful and I felt like I was there. I was there in my heart and thoughts. So gorgeous is the tree and the dragon protecting it. Your mother is a very wise woman.
‘I turned around to find the neice kneeling in front of the tree, praying. I choked up a little.’
That bit really got me too. You wrote this out so beautifully.
Thank you so much for sharing this. You do an amazing job of articulating difficult emotions. I’m glad the memorial turned out the way you wanted it to, and that you feel a sense of peace. You are all in my thoughts and prayers every day.
You’re often in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m so glad you were able to find some peace.
Natalie you are an amazing person and I think that you had a wonderful memorial for Devin. Thank you for sharing it with us online too. I am so glad that you were able to find peace on this very special day. Your memorial table looked beautiful and the tree and dragon are perfect. ((((Hugs)))) to you.
I just come across your blog and started reading it…
i read this post and could not help myself from cyring, i may not have experienced such a great loss but my heart feels for you and your husband.
Thinking of you
Sending lots of love
Charne
South Africa
I just come across your blog and started reading it…
i read this post and could not help myself from cyring, i may not have experienced such a great loss but my heart feels for you and your husband.
The memorial sounds wonderful and thank you for sharing it with us…. the table that you had for Devin was perfect!
Thinking of you
Sending lots of love
Charne
South Africa