All I can really say today is that I’m feeling extremely numb. I’ve been sleeping in until noon, which I know I shouldn’t be doing but it’s hard to get out of bed when Den’s not home. Then I get up and try to tackle something – today I worked on updating March’s finances with the budget and even did some client work. And then I sit on my laptop and watch Law and Order until Den gets home.

Just feel so… numb to it all. There are some baby things – some gifts from the baby shower – sitting in our breezeway still. Once in a while when I open the fridge I catch sight of them through the window in the door. But instead of pulling away instead I stand there and stare. I can’t even really describe how it feels… like I am trying to poke holes in the numbness…. trying to make myself feel something. Trying to remember. I stare at the box with the picture of a carseat on the side (we hadn’t even taken it out of the box yet) and remember how I pictured bringing home my son. I just felt a kind of sadness. Not heartwrenching pain…. just sadness.

This evening I brought Devin’s memory box into the bedroom with me and went through it all. I stared at his photos and held the little knitted hat they dressed him in at the hospital. And I cried. Just a little…. silent tears… and then I felt “fine” again.

It’s like everything’s locked up tight, put away. I can still feel – I still laugh, I still feel overwhelming love for my husband – but I feel like the person I am is so far apart from the person who went through labor and delivered Devin, from the person who was pregnant for 8 months. I feel my brain shut off a little when I think about how I was pregnant…. like my mind just slides around it, unable – or unwilling – to grip onto the idea.

It makes me a little bit panicked, to be honest. I lost everything else I had, I can’t lose the memories. Even if it hurts like hell to remember it all. I know it’s “normal” to go numb. I know it’s my body’s way of protecting myself from being totally overcome. So I try to just go with it.

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Yesterday I pulled out the picture frames we bought and I framed Devin’s Certificate of Life and the handprints and footprints we were given. I love the frame with his little prints in it…. it looks perfect. I love to just sit there and look at them. We had two sets of footprints so I framed one of them in a smaller frame for Den to take to work – he’d been asking me for a couple of days if I had a frame for him to use. He was very happy to get to bring them to work to keep close.

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Eating isn’t going so well. I forget to eat. In the first few days after Devin’s birth I ate a lot, I ate well. But I guess the more numb I get the less I remember to eat. It’s not that I don’t want to eat. My stomach will growl and I’ll think, I should eat something, and go into the kitchen to find something. But I won’t find anything, I’ll pop some crackers into my mouth, and end up wandering back out again and forgetting to eat for another hour. It’s becoming somewhat of a problem.

Tomorrow Den is taking me to Outback steakhouse – we have a gift certificate to use. So at least I’ll eat tomorrow.