Exercise – it’s the new big thing
Looking over some very recent photos of myself I realized I gained a little bit more than I thought I had. I have more left than just a flabby stomach. My face is a little more round than it used to be, my thighs a little bit wider. My body is doing well enough with shedding the pregnancy weight, but it does occur to me that I’m going to need to do more than sit on my ass if I want to get my body back into some semblence of health and shape again. (At midwife appointments they would ask me if I was getting exercise. I would say, “Ummm, well, I go up and down the stairs a lot at work…”)
So… I’ve started walking. Walking, people. I hate walking. And I apparently suck at it – I can’t even make the little loop around the block (less than a mile) without my chest and sides hurting and feeling completely out of breath. It’s pathetic. But it’s getting a little easier each day. Den and I go together, we take both dogs with us. We’re all four out of shape, but I’m definitely the one lagging behind.
I am pleased with the progress I’ve already made though – not that I think it was any of my own doing. Down to around 148lbs already.
I feel really driven by this need to get in shape. Maybe it won’t last very long – that remains to be seen. But while I’m waiting to get pregnant again, I just feel this desire to do what I can to be happy with my body. Maybe it’s simply something that I can have some control over.
My boobs are back to normal, by the way. Two or three days ago they started feeling a little better. Yesterday they felt a LOT better – I even felt brave enough to sleep without a bra on. Today they feel pretty much the way they always have. And I’m quite pleased to say that if they did get any new stretch marks they are very minor ones, and constrained to the underside of my boobs. And they don’t seem any less perky than ever. Yay.
::
My reactiveness to babies/pregnancy seems to be limited to people in the third trimester and newborns. Older children (like even those 9 months and older) don’t seem to trigger a huge kneejerk reaction in me. And people earlier in their pregnancy don’t seem to bother me as much, I can handle that and even sometimes look forward to my next pregnancy (if I’m feeling positive enough to think that it’ll happen soon). But third trimester getting-ready-to-give-birth? Newborn I-can’t-believe-I-have-a-baby? Not so good for me right now. I’ve had a couple of unexpected meltdowns when just randomly reading things online. It really, truly sucks because of course I was nesting and building relationships with people who were due right around when I was and now suddenly I can’t go near the very thing that comforted and reassured me. And I know that friends understand (and if they don’t they’re not much of a friend!). But it’s upsetting to me. I want to participate and cheer people on. I just can’t.
I’ve had a lot of experience feeling jealous and upset by babies. At least I don’t feel bitter anymore (not at the moment, anyway). I was so bitter before I got pregnant, and I hated it. Now I’m just sad. But I’m just really pissed off to be back here right when I was finally getting over it, getting past it. I’m so done with this shit.
Natalie – I am a long-time reader, but just never commented until today. I want to say that I am deeply saddened by your loss and that it affected so many of us as well, in a way that only each person, in the most intimate part of their soul, knows. My heart goes out to you and your husband, every time I think of you (which in the past days, has been very often).
See that’s the thing: sometimes, even what doesn’t “belong” to each of us, things that we have no ownership over, affects us. Illustratively, for us who are pregnant, there’s the projection of your loss into our own situation, which causes much sadness and fear, and for you, how interacting with babies and others’ pregnancies are devastating to you.
Right or wrong, it is a normal reaction for us all. You have just gone thru so much. You have to forgive yourself for sometimes being limited or imperfect and for not doing what you would normally do, under different circunstances. You just went thru such a major trauma that for the rest of the world is unfathomable. It’s OK to feel the way you do. Right now, it is perfectly OK, if you need to obsesses over your body, if you can’t talk to pregnant women (even those who are your friends), if you can’t see babies, … etc,
Although it doesn’t seem like it at this time, things will eventually change and you will be able to react to various things in life in a different manner. Until then, allow yourself to grieve, be sad, have reactions that you wouldn’t have under different circumstances… Allow yourself to feel and to be limited, imperfect, inadequate, human… All my best ~ Bella
I have the same problem with people who are about to give birth or people with newborns. It’s just downright jealousy on my part that they get to take their baby home, or my assumption that they will, for those who are pregnant. It’s certainly not wishing that this happened to them though. And I am not happy that I feel this way. But from what I have read on other blogs, these feelings seem pretty “normal.” And hopefully, they will subside as time goes on.
i was the first of my friends to get pregnant. when i was pregnant with Jorai, 4 friends got pregnant…and after i lost her, about 5 more became pregnant. it was so hard to see all the other mothers go on to deliver healthy babies. some of them complained about their aches and pains which pissed me off. some weren’t even trying to get pregnant. i was sad and would have do anything to have those aches and pains, that nausea, anything!
i would also get really pissed off with seeing moms yelling at their kids or smoking around them…i couldn’t figure out why my child was taken away while other moms who mistreat their children seem to have dozens of them. i was really angry and really jealous.
even after i got pregnant, i felt like that. but i had to hold onto the faith that she was taken for a reason. there had to be a greater purpose.
i know i just got into my 3rd trimester and i’m sorry if anything on my blog hurt to read. i know how hard it is to know people are pregnant around you. i just want you to know how much i feel for you and still feel your pain. it was only 10 months ago that i lost my daughter. and though the pain has lessened, it’s still there. it was only a month ago that we removed all of the condolence cards and dried flowers we got in the first few weeks of her passing. her picture and ashes still remain on a hope chest in our living room. i still ache and wake with nightmares about losing her.
i’m here for you if you need me. and if you can’t talk to me right now, i completely understand. but please know that when you’re ready, i’ll still be here.
You don’t know me from anything, but I came over via Sara and I just want to support you. Although I am not pregnant, I don’t want you to feel the need to come visit me unless you want to.
As a former L/D nurse, I’ve seen my share of pregnancy losses and how people tend to run away from those who have suffered from them and I don’t want to be like those people.
There is lots of love from me to you and Den right now.
I know Heather’s news today must be hard for you to hear. I’m sorry you’re hurting!
Nat – it would be hard for me, too… and I completely understand. Love you so much and hurt for you every time I read things on LP/thread. I want to turn back time for you as well. I cannot stand the pain you must be going through and fear for anyone – b/c it can happen to any one of us…
It’s so hard. I think late term pregnancy loss after infertility is doubly painful. In my case, I had gotten past the bitterness, past some of the fear of loss when everything came crashing down. And dammit, I’m right back where I started.
Now my sister is pregnant after a long struggle with IF, and a dear friend is due a few months after me. I don’t even know how I’m going to talk to them.
I’m sorry this hurts so much. You’re in my thoughts.