I woke up today from a dream… a bad dream. I dreamt I had gone into labor, and when I woke up I couldn’t remember anything. Nothing. I didn’t remember anything beyond going into labor, I couldn’t remember giving birth, I couldn’t remember my baby. I rushed over to check on Devin, only to find out he was a month old. I was… beyond distraught. “What happened?? What day was he born?? How did I give birth?? Why can’t I remember??” Den had kept pages of notes that I combed through, hoping it would jog my memory, but it seemed apparent that I had been drugged up so much that I was knocked completely out for the whole thing. Devin had been taken care of by my husband, but he was a stranger to me. It was horrible. I felt like the entire experience had been ripped away from me. My belly was flat and I had no memories to make up for it.

Several things are becoming clear to me over the past few days, as highlighted by this dream.

First, I am not ready to have this baby. Not this month. In the dream I kept asking what day he was born because I wanted it to be in April. I don’t know why this matters so much to me – still thinking about that – but I really want him to hang on until April. Of course he’s going to come whenever he’s going to come and I need to start working on my perspective here, so it’s a good thing I recognize it.

Second, the birthing experience is very important to me. If necessary I’ll get an epidural, I’m okay with that – but under no circumstances do I want to have my mental capacities dulled. I want to experience it all, wholly and completely, and I want to remember everything I possibly can about it. I believe I really would feel bereft if I skipped that step. It’s an important transition to me, one that says goodbye to pregnancy and initiates motherhood. In the dream it was like, because I missed out on that early bonding period right after birth, I had no idea what to do with this child. I didn’t feel like his mother at all…. he was unfamiliar to me. Now obviously that’s just a dream, but it does show the fear that I have over becoming a mother.

And thirdly, I am really going to miss being pregnant. Everyone in my pregnancy groups seem to be really looking forward to getting their body back, to having this done with. People who aren’t as far as long as me are “done.” I keep waiting and waiting for it to hit – that stage when I feel fed up and uncomfortable and done with it. I’m wondering if it’s ever going to come, or if I’m going to be one of the lucky few who enjoys it right up to the end. And to be honest I’m not certain that’s entirely a good thing – it means I’ll miss it more. Other friends have their babies and are like, “Oh thank GOD that’s over with and now I can get back to being myself again and get on with being a mother.” In my dream I had given birth, my belly was going back to normal, and I was bawling, people.

With that being said… I highly doubt I’ll be ready to get pregnant again right away (if that were a choice we could make). I’ll be sad and mourning the loss of being pregnant, but I really do want to take the time to get used to being just me again in my body, to see how my body reacts after having been pregnant, to focus on my beautiful baby boy. (Denis would love to get pregnant again right away, he’s hoping for a miracle so we can have our two kids that we want and not have to worry about IVF again and have the kids close together. Though honestly it’s the “having two young babies really close in age” part that freaks me out more than the “being pregnant right away” part.) So don’t be expecting me to jump right back into “TTC” again. I’m done with that for a while (I hope). And I don’t even want to think about insurance and IVF. Too stressful.

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Chronicling my [very very slow] descent into discomfort, I am no longer all that comfortable sitting up in bed with my laptop or sitting at my desk. Either way just seems to create problems: the desk chair is giving me lower back issues if I sit for extended periods, and my legs go a little numb even when I’m sitting absolutely properly with both feet flat on the floor, chair raised to the proper height. I had a little bit of success putting a pillow behind my lower back, but it only went so far. In bed, propped up with the multitude of pillows I have in my collection, which used to be just so perfect for taking the pressure off of every joint, is now creating an issue with my ribs – that is to say, the angle is not so good for the growing kid, and he lodges in my ribcage. I have found that sitting propped up on the couch (sideways, with my legs stretched out across the cushions and pillows behind my back against the arm of the couch) is working a little better. My shoulders aren’t being pressed forward by a wall, which means I have a little more ribcage room. I do not, however, have any place to put a mouse, so while it’s okay for surfing and writing, it’s not so good for working. Bummer.

I am still waiting for the joints to start really aching funny and feeling loose. The lower back, yes it does get sore when sitting or standing too long, but that’s less of a joint thing and more of a weight thing; the heavy belly is pulling on my spine and it can hurt after a while! I’ve had a few pops come from various joints – knees, mostly – but nothing to write home about. I did have one odd sensation from my pelvis this morning when I pushed myself up in bed, a little stab of pain. I was like, “Hmmm, that’s new!” But again, it wasn’t very bad at all, just a twinge really. (I hear of friends having horrific pelvic pain… yikes!)

So it’s all good. Just tired all the time.