So somehow Ember is 1 month old. How did that happen?

I have been quiet because I’ve been struggling a little to adjust to how different it is the second time around. With Kate I was just so enthralled to have a living child. I had a lot of anxiety when I wasn’t holding her so I held her pretty much all the time. I’ve mentioned before, too, how my love for her grows as she does, falling in love with who she is and all the things she does – it’s amazing and overwhelming. Now I have another little person who is mine, but I don’t know who she is yet. I love her, I want to protect her and take care of her, but I don’t know her. I’ve spent a lot of time the past few weeks just staring at her face, wondering who she’s going to be, wondering what kind of personality she’s going to have. I’m okay with putting her down to sleep and with other people holding her, I don’t have that anxiety that I did with Kate. I suppose this is far more “normal,” but it feels weird to me considering how different it is from my last experience.

Kate was a high-needs baby and she very quickly became attached to us in particular, crying when other people held her (because they held her “wrong” according to her rulebook), screaming when put down, needing to be worn and held and cuddled and nursed. It was stressful, yes, but it was also very rewarding, knowing that she needed me, that I was her mommy and only I could make everything okay again. Ember is a far more mellow baby and just doesn’t need me in that same desperate way. I can put her down and she sleeps fine, I can pass her off and she doesn’t mind. For a little while I felt a bit at a loss, especially coming from her NICU stay where I didn’t really feel like a mom to a newborn at all. (But then I do have the boobs, and while they may not recognize people they most certainly recognize boobs!)

She’s starting to smile and coo now, and that really sparked something in me. I know her preferences now, and I start to see hints at her personality and who she is. She is definitely so very different from Kate, and I think that’s a good thing. I look forward to falling in love with all the pieces of her as they are revealed.

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One major way Ember differs from infant Kate is her sleep preferences. They are the same in that neither one cared to be swaddled, but Ember actually likes being on her back. Kate was a tummy sleeper – I didn’t let her unsupervised, but it was clear that’s what she wanted. She slept on her belly on our chests, she slept on her belly on her playmat, and at night she slept on her side belly-to-belly with me (or is that belly-to-boob?). She hated being on her back, even in a bathtub, or playtime on the floor, and especially to sleep. If you held her in a cradle hold in your arms she would get upset. (That was the mistake most people made.) She wanted to be held against your chest. So of course my instinct is to hold Ember the same way. Many times I have been trying to soothe and cuddle her against my chest, rocking in the chair or walking her around, and she keeps turning her head side to side fitfully and whining. I get perplexed, of course, and start wondering if it is her diaper, or a gas bubble? But then she slides down to the crook of my arm, resting on her back, face-up… and she immediately relaxes and falls asleep. After that happens I just kind of stare at her in shock and then have to mentally shake myself: she is not Kate!

She continues to sleep in the bouncer, but we recently tried the papasan swing and oh. my. word. The girl LOVES it. 3 hour naps. No fussing at all, no whimpers, no jostling her to sleep and gingerly setting her down. Whenever I think she’s sleepy I make sure she has a clean diaper and is nursed, I strap her in and zonk, she’s out. Middle of the living room, Kate playing (and crashing and yelling) all around. Ember is a happy little girl in there.

At night I am trying to move her into her cosleeper after she’s asleep, but that has varying degrees of success. One night she slept 4 hours, another 3, but some nights she won’t sleep longer than an hour… and it gets progressively worse as the night continues. I know she prefers movement of some sort, whether it’s sleeping on me on the rocking chair, in the car, in the swing, or the vibration of the bouncer chair. I don’t really want to sleep on the couch in the living room with her in the swing, so I just keep trying with the cosleeper. She invariably ends up sleeping in my bed in my arms. But here’s where that whole “unexpected” thing comes into play: she pushes me away from her. Kate always wanted me as close as possible – she wanted to be on me, or in my arms, or pressed up against my side. When she was older and I’d try shuffling away from her at night she would shuffle right up against me every time. This will clearly not be my problem with Ember. After she nurses she turns her head and fidgets for a little bit. Then she starts pushing with her arms trying to roll onto her back. When this started I would sit up to try to figure out what was bothering her, only to have Ember throw her arms over her head, sigh happily, and fall fast asleep. So now every night after the cosleeper has been tried and Ember is happily asleep on my side of the bed I end up squashed in the middle against Denis, afraid to move and unable to roll over or stretch out. Ember slept a 5 hour stretch last night. I did not.

In the car as long as she’s not hungry or wet/dirty she just falls asleep. She doesn’t care a whole lot for the car seat, so she’ll fuss when I put her in it (so I try to wait until right as we’re leaving), but soon as the car is moving she’s out. If she’s deeply asleep we can bring her inside and let her continue sleeping, but once she’s awake and realizes she’s not in the car and isn’t moving she is unhappy and wants out of the carseat. Den doesn’t mind carrying the carseat around but it is heavy even without taking into consideration a 10lb baby inside it. Once it’s just me with the two kids I really doubt I’ll be lugging it anywhere unless I specifically want the carseat for something. I’ve been using my ring sling a lot, she is happy to sleep in that and it’s easy to get her in and out of. I have a k’tan carrier I bought this time but I have to admit I am not a huge fan of it. It’s okay, but I should have purchased a smaller size; even though the small fits me I prefer to carry higher and tighter.

Ember has been fighting sleep pretty bad all day – I suspect a bit of tummy troubles, since she wants to comfort nurse all day long but doesn’t seem to want the milk (fusses and spits it out during letdown). Instead of just passing out at bedtime she was yet again nursing and I, being bored, was trying to read some stuff on my phone. Unfortunately this kiddo is light-sensitive at night. Kate, as long as she was up next to me, would sleep through anything; I believe I used my laptop in bed on a few occasions, Kate asleep on my chest or snuggled up against my arm or leg. Ember is nosy. If it’s dark she’ll fall asleep. If I have a small light on, say from my phone, then her eyes keep popping open to stare at it. Even when she’s sound asleep she’ll start stirring. I’ve hid under the covers to read at night, yes I have. But then I can get her to sleep and then leave her there and come use my computer – something I could never do with Kate!

As I was laying there in the dark, done nursing, I rested my forehead against Embers and rubbed the back of her head until she fell asleep. I was thinking about how unsettled I’ve been by this very different relationship I have with Ember, but it occurred to me that it was just that – a relationship, a two-way street. Kate and I needed each other. She was my anchor against anxiety after loss, my distrust in the tangible. And I was her anchor in this big new world, calming her and organizing her brain and emotions. Now I believe that it was in large part just her personality, her genetics, just as much as my anxiety existed from the start… but I’m sure we fed into each other. Hearing her frantic screams at being put down certainly did not make me feel any better about ever letting her go; my avoidance of putting her down to sleep probably didn’t help her learn to sleep on her own. It took us a long time to adapt and adjust, to take small steps to individuality. I feel that she and I functioned as a unit for a very long time.

Ember and I have a much more relaxed, mellow relationship. She seems so much more secure with herself in this outside world, inquisitive and accepting without needing a lot of help. And I am 4 years down the road from my loss of Devin, 2 years into parenting Kate… I am much more confident in myself as a mother to a living child. And I’m sure that we are feeding off of each other, too.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not “doing enough,” but I keep reminding myself that my parenting philosophy has always been to listen to the child. I’m not doing it “wrong” if my child is happy, even if it feels kind of bizarre. My goal are happy, well-adjusted children… and so far that has worked out pretty darn well for me.

Last week after a long night of several wake-ups by both kids I was exhausted by morning. Ember fell asleep in the swing so I cuddled with Kate on the couch while she watched her TV shows. I really love that she does that now, it’s so comfy and sweet to wrap my arms around her and doze off while she tells me what is going on. (“Run! Fast! Up and down!”) She wasn’t very tired that particular morning, just chilling with me, but I fell asleep. I woke up when her show ended and she had discovered that the drawer to my filing cabinet was unlocked. Now I can only assume what other kids would do with that kind of knowledge, but it brings to mind images of mayhem. My kid? Had taken out all of the spare pens from the top drawer and lined them up on the floor. I watched her for a while as she carefully put them side by side. She did try drawing in a book but I said “No-no” and she stopped. Then she put the pens all back in the drawer where she found them, shut the drawer, and moved on to playing with her books. I have an odd child.

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Kate has discovered the word “No!” in a whole other context. She’s been saying no for a while, but only in response to questions. “Do you want a banana?” “No….” Always polite. Always informative. Unfortunately now she has grasped its use as an exclamation – a statement of rebellion! “It’s time for bed.” “NO!” But then most of the time she usually ignores what she just said and goes along with me anyways. It’s actually kind of funny to watch her trying to stake out her independence and throw down the gauntlet with all the defiance she can muster. It’s not much. (Yet.)

Another way she is asserting herself is by throwing things. I know the throwing is developmental and normal, but it’s her repeatedly saying “No throwing!” while doing it that has me puzzled. Does she misunderstand what that means? Is she making a statement that she knows what I want her to do and she is going to do the opposite anyways? I just don’t know. Either way she is very chipper about the whole thing.

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There’s a little local beach at a lake near here and today some mommy friends were going to be there with their kids. I decided to stop over there briefly to let Kate play in the water. What a mistake! First I got stuck in construction traffic both on the way there and the way home, and Ember was fussy so she ended up screaming hysterically while we were stuck not moving for over 10 minutes. And then we get there and I wondered what on earth I was thinking going to the beach with a 1 month old? Yes there was a sun umbrella and she hung out on a blanket for a bit, but it was hot and she was fussy. And then of course Kate wanted me to go in the water with her. She wanted to go swimming, but of course she cannot swim on her own, even with her floatie swimsuit. The older kids were holding her hand and helping her out at least.

But then the worst thing of all: SAND. Why I forget this every year I don’t know. I hate sand. Hate. It gets on your blankets, it sticks to your body. And that’s even without taking into consideration the toddler that wants to go in the water, tromp through the sand, and then stomp over your blanket and touch you all over. Sand. Everywhere. I didn’t even bother attempting to put Kate back in clothes when we left, just put a diaper on her and threw her in the truck. Ugh.

I had tried to plan out the best course of action for when we got home and I realized that there was no way around it, I had to give Kate a shower before putting her down for a nap… which meant Ember had to just sit tight for a couple minutes, even though she was pretty upset. I guess that’s one of those second-child problems…. sometimes they just have to wait their turn. Once Kate was clean and had something to drink I then was able to deal with Ember. Thankfully she loves baths! I put her in the baby bath tub – the one Kate hated as a baby – and that did a lot to calm her down. Then I got her dressed and nursed her… oh the magic of boobies, I keep saying it.

The bonus was that I had two sleeping children for an hour.

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My parents are visiting, which is fabulous. Kate is thrilled to have an audience all day long, and I feel like I have a second pair of hands. I am not spending much time on the computer while they are here though! I’m trying to think of fun things to do but with the temperature in the 90’s every day no one is too keen on leaving the air conditioned house with two small children.

This morning while the kids were quiet and mostly occupied I made some calls with my phone. I set it on the table when I was done. Soon after it was time for Kate’s nap, so I walked her to her room and put her in bed.

We watched TV for the couple hours that Kate as asleep. Usually I have my phone next to me, but I didn’t this time and didn’t bother getting up to grab it.

When Kate woke up I was in the middle of nursing Ember so I let her wait for a few minutes. I heard her talking in her room, then thumping on her door, and I heard a heavy thump of some object hitting the floor. Ember still wasn’t done yet so my dad got up and opened Kate’s door to let her out. She walked out… and held out my phone. How the hell did she get it in her room without me noticing? And when?? Did I seriously put her to bed while she held my phone in her hands? Jeez.

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It is almost midnight. I am laying in bed typing this post on my phone while Ember nurses. (I am a great nursing multi-tasker.) Ember is fidgeting… I look down and in the glow from my screen I see two bright eyes staring up at me. Apparently I am distracting her from that sleep thing… though today has not held much sleep for her to start with. Guess it is time to turn off the screen and try to convince her to close her eyes.

My parents were visiting for the past two weeks, which was a fabulous treat for all of us. Ember had more hands to hold her, Kate had someone’s attention at all times, and I actually got to run errands without children! We are all very sad they had to leave. Kate is getting to an age where she is understanding who people are… and that they were here a few days ago and now are gone. I am sad that she gets such a brief time with her grandoarents, due to the distance, but it was really wonderful to see her getting to know them and her excitement every morning when she woke up and found them still here. Hopefully soon she will be able to hold conversations with them on pbone and skype.

My parents remarked on what a big difference they saw inEmber’s social behavior over the span of their visit. At 6 weeks old she was starting to smile a little bit but was still having those fussy awake times where it seemed even she didn’t know what she wanted. At 8 weeks today she is a very smily baby! She smiles pretty much any time someone looks at her. She maintains eye contact, follows people across the room, reacts to facial expressions and happy voices. She seems to especially like daddy’s voice.

She is also easier to keep happy now that she is interested in interaction and the world around her. She has discovered her hands in the past two weeks and spends long stretches of time staring at them and turning them this way and that. She also spends a lot of time trying to get her thumb in her mouth but thus far it remains frustratingly trapped in her fist. She does slobber all over her hands and fingers though. She has also just in the last couple days realized that she has feet and legs. In the bath she was kicking and pausing to feel the water reaction. Today I put white socks on her and she went nuts kicking her legs and staring at her feet as they moved. It is pretty funny.

One thing she does that isnt new nor do I think it’s a concious thing – she pulls her hair. Since she had long hair at birth (it’s about an inch and a half long) she can grab a fistful. It seems to be a comfort thing she does, grabbing at her ear and hair when she is tired. She has lost quite a bit of her hair just from rubbing and such, she has a balding ring like an old man, and sometimes I worry that she is going to yank out a bunch more! I can’t imagine it feels good to yank on your hair that hard, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

She’s now soending half the night in the rock and olay I bought used – it is great, a nice angle for sleeping but without scrunching her up like the bouncer and swing do. I didn’t think I would need it to rock but it is extremely helpful. She doesn’t have to be fully asleep when I put her down at night, just sleepy.. I rock her and she’s out. Then I get to sleep for a few hours on my own before she wakes up. She’s been waking a few times a night to nurse, but falls right back asleep. I do change her diaper though because she was leaking..  the kid pees a lot.

I took her to the dr the other day because she has what is apparently a granuloma on her belly button – a piece of tissue still attached. The dr applied silver nitrate so hopefully that will take care of it. Oh and she weighed in at 11lbs 1oz at 7 1/2 weeks old. She is definitely a solid baby!