So that spot of hardness that I suspected wasn’t a BH contraction was definitely not a BH contraction. First I remembered that it was only there when I layed on my back – when I rolled onto my side it miraculously disappeared. To my back, there it was again. So I had this suspicion…

Then last night after laying down in bed Den as usual rested his hand on my belly to catch a few kicks – which he did. (She’s getting more consistent about kicking, he’s felt a lot more than he did with Devin.) So he was just resting the base of his hand on my belly when I felt a lot of pressure – not kicks, but a squirming, moving, pushing kind of feeling. “I don’t think she likes your hand there,” I told him. He layed his hand flat to feel what was going on. All of a sudden his eyes got wide and he said, “Holy CRAP!” “What? Is she kicking you?” “No! It’s a big round… body part!” Sure enough, plain as day I could feel a very round object pushing very stubbornly upwards. Thus the pressure I was feeling. She seemed rather pissed that his hand was on her, and she wanted it off.

We both cracked up laughing at our indignant little girl. She’s a spitfire already.

My biggest physical complaint right now has to be my legs. They are aching like hell. I’ve mentioned how my calves and feet like to cramp up, but this is something more. It’s as if my muscles are right on the edge of cramping at all times, without actually doing it. They go numb really quickly when I make the mistake of sitting cross-legged or tucking a foot under like I often do. (My chiropractor would tsk at me for doing those things anyways, but it is normally comfortable.)

The past week has been the worst, they just constantly aching, I’m always trying to rub them as if to get life back into them and stop them from hurting. It’s even made it hard to sleep, because I’m just not comfortable no matter what, so I’m short on sleep and getting a little bit short-tempered because of it.

Today when I got home from work I quickly drew myself a warm bath (which is a first for me, having a hot bath without having to boil water on the stove. Even though the fucking boiler was giving an error code again, the hot water tank held plenty enough for a bath, thank the light). Not scalding hot, of course, and only enough to cover my legs, not the belly. It didn’t do a lot, but it did help.

Since this all started about the same time I started drinking a lot of milk again I’m pretty certain it’s no calcium deficiency, but it might be related to not enough water intake (I’m drinking so much milk instead). I think I’m going to have to work on finding a balance.

::

This week I had people over to the house. Almost all were friends who know my whole story, but not necessarily friends who have ever seen Devin’s picture. As we were feverishly cleaning the house I started thinking about Devin’s shelf in our living room, and the picture of him displayed on it. The rest of the shelf gives me no pause whatsoever, it is sweet and simple. I love my pregnant-me picture, Devin’s ultrasound picture, his little train piggy bank. But the picture of him, my sweet little boy after his birth… I know how some people feel about pictures “like that.” I don’t carry his picture in my wallet, I don’t proudly show friends and coworkers. Maybe I should – maybe I wish I did. I have his picture on my websites, but that feels different; no one is obligated to say anything at all to me, or even to open the page. But there it sits in our living room, as it is our house and we quite honestly rarely have guests over. But there I was, sitting in my living room, wondering if I was asking too much of people. I contemplated taking it down for the evening to spare myself any stress over it, but ended up just leaving it where it was.

When the day of the party arrived I was far too stressed over cooking and cleaning than to give it a thought. I honestly didn’t think about it at all while people were here. No one said anything, and I didn’t catch any stares. I’m sure some of them didn’t even see it, or didn’t think much about it. All in all the party was a success, guests left tired and happy, and I collapsed on a chair afterwards, looking around my perfectly cleaned living room and thinking about crown molding and ceiling paint.

Then my eyes caught sight of that shelf and for the first time that night I wondered what people think when they see it. I doubt I will ever really know. It must be so different looking in from the outside.

Not a lot of kicks today, but a lot of weird, squirmy, interior feelings – I figure she is probably facing my back. I think she did roll over a couple of times, I was getting some kicks on my lower right side, but then it’s back to that other, heavy, someone’s-poking-my-insides feeling.

Then tonight I’m propped up in bed, and again I’m checking for braxton-hicks. It’s honestly hard to tell, because some of her moves – stretching, pushing – feel similar. I felt some hardness, but wasn’t sure if it was my whole uterus or not. So I rolled onto my left side. And plain as day my right side had a huge, firm lump, a little lower than my belly button, far on the right side. And when we push on it I can feel pressure on my left side. So yep, I think I have a transverse baby, butt on my right, head on my left. (At least for the moment…. at this stage that can change quickly!)

Of course as I’m writing this she starts kicking me on my right side and the hard bulge is gone, so I believe she rolled over. I’m pressing down on my right side and she is kicking my hand hard. No little flutters from this one anymore!

I am just so fascinated with trying to figure out how she’s laying in there, what she’s doing. At work today I was sitting back in my chair, feeling her squirms and pushes, and said something about how she must be facing my back today. A coworker blinked a little with surprize. I guess most people don’t know these things.

I think I could seriously just lay here all night, feeling her kick, poking her feet and getting her riled up. But sadly I know I need sleep.