I just lost my whole goddamn post. I am pissed off.

I got to the clinic before the lab even opened, just so I could be the first one in and out. It was not to be: my lab slip wasn’t there and I had to wait for a nurse to arrive to get it all set for me. Good thing I had my blackberry to putter around on while I waited, instead of staring blankly at the wall.

I got my blood drawn and was immediately called back to an ultrasound room. Mental note to self: being called back immediately does not guarantee you will be seen immediately. Do not leave blackberry/reading material on other side of room when you are pantsless on an exam table. I knew that the very moment I got up to grab something would be the moment that someone walked in, so I stayed put, swinging my legs, reading the posters about the uterus and ovaries, and adjusting the paper “sheet” that floated ethereally around my legs.

When the ultrasound tech came into scan me I realized how different the person I am today is from the person I was a year and a half ago. Today I watched carefully, guardedly. What is that on the screen? Why is she measuring that? Is that bad? Are they going to cancel my cycle?? Don’t tell me that. Then she said, “Everything looks good!” Lining is nice and thin, lots of antral follicles in my quiet little ovaries.

My meds were delivered to my house today while I was at work. (I actually got an email notification on my blackberry from UPS that it was delivered – so I was able to text hubby, who was down in the basement watching sports loudly, to ask him to go upstairs and bring it in.) So tonight I pulled out one of everything and… then promptly forgot what to do next. I had to go digging through my papers to refresh my memory with the written instructions.

I keep getting tripped up by things that are different now. I forget that it really has been a year and a half since I last cycled. I go to the lab and inform them I’m IVF, because on the weekends the clinic used to fax down the paperwork to the lab, and they look at me like I have two heads and say I need to go get my lab slip. I walk into the office and say I need a lab slip and I am informed that I must sign the clipboard, but it’s a different sticker than before and I get confused. The forms to fill out for surgery, and even the consents, are different. I just want to keep saying in exaspiration, “But that’s not how you did it before!”

I find it really hard to trust that this is happening now. I’m excited, and yet I keep waiting for something to go wrong. Again.