Okay I’m going to try to make a post. I feel like I’m running on near empty here, too many nights of not enough sleep, so I end up just sitting here staring blankly at nothing.

Yesterday was my 34 week appointment. I got to see a midwife I’ve seen before, one I really liked, so that was nice! My vitals were all perfectly normal… weight 160.4 (20lbs gained, according to their records which start after I got M/S), blood pressure sitting completely normal for me at 104/70. While we were sitting there a sheet of paper slipped under the door from the nurse – my urine results. The midwife glanced at it and said, “The most perfect result I’ve had today. No seriously, look… negative, negative, 0, negative, 0…. usually there’s something at +1 or something!” LOL She was funny.

I hopped up on the table and she measured me… 32cm. Measuring only 2 weeks behind this time, as compared to 4 weeks behind last time. I told you Devin has stretched himself out. She said the ultrasound showed he was a perfectly good size, and said that like any other test, they are not perfect. But baby’s good, so no one is concerned at all about me continuing to measure small. It could just be how I measure. Baby’s heartrate was around 140, right where he usually is.

And that really was the whole appointment. She mentioned that next appointment is when I get my GBS (Group B Strep) test. I asked her about how many women test positive (she said less than 50% for sure… maybe around 20%, off the top of her head), and mentioned how much I am REALLY REALLY HOPING to not have to get an IV. (Seriously, it sounds ridiculous, but getting an IV is like my biggest fear of labor. Not the pain, not the pushing, not the head coming out… the IV.) She looked at me and said, “Well, you can decline the test if you want to you know.” I sort of shrugged and said I didn’t really want to stir up trouble or anything. She replied, “Well honestly… that’s our problem!” So she explained to me that for people who don’t have a GBS result, for whatever reason (if they go into labor early, or if someone comes in who hasn’t had consistent prenatal care, or if they refuse the test) then they would treat based on symptoms… which means they would give the IV antibiotics if I showed signs of an infection… a fever, or baby’s heart rate increasing, etc. She pointed out that the medical community has been back and forth on the GBS testing over the years, from testing everyone and treating anyone who tests postiive, to testing no one and treating those who show signs of infection. Plus she did point out that, were I to need the antibiotics either way, I could have just a hep lock put in. They’d hook me to an IV to receive the antibiotics, then disconnect me until I needed the second dose. (Which does make me feel better, but hep locks still bother the shit out of me.) So she said to research it and think about it and let them know at my appointment what I wanted to do.

I’m really quite torn. My fear of testing positive, and thus being required to get the IV, is pretty high. But I’m not certain fear is a good reason to be making that decision. And on the flip side, being tested and coming back negative would take ALL the pressure and worry off of me which would be really nice. (And given my track record this pregnancy I have no reason to think I’d come back positive… I’ve been free and clear of everything all pregnancy. Though part of me thinks that’s leaving me wide open for something to go wrong! Yeah. Useless statistics.) I do need to figure out how dangerous this is and, if they “treat based on symptoms,” if that raises Devin’s risk at all, or if it means HE would have to get tested for anything. Given the choice between him or me, I’ll take the tests and IV so he won’t have to go through anything.

I did find it interesting that this is the second time a midwife has told me flat out that I didn’t have to take a test. I really do appreciate that! They have been very in-line with my beliefs to the point that I really trust them if they say I need something (like that ultrasound). They don’t suggest doing something just for the hell of doing it. Even these tests, which are all normal procedures for pretty much any doctor or midwife practice, they are perfectly okay with NOT doing, if I so wish. I really hope the pediatrician I’m meeting with has the same kind of viewpoint. It would be really great to have a ped that I trusted.

So anyways, that was my appointment. I didn’t even have to wait more than about 5 minutes to get in this time, I was in and out within half an hour. Next time I have to remember to bring my birth plan with me. Yikes! Birth plans already!

I am having a very cranky day. Grrrrr. Everything in this house is irritating the ever living hell out of me.

But I did take photos and post them… and I posted last week’s too. I forgot about those.

I think I’ve been eating way too much junk today… because I’m stuffed and yet still quite hungry. Obviously not getting enough protein. Ooops.

Now that everyone is in bed and the lights are off I’m afforded a little bit of peace in which to write and calm down. It’s doing me good, I can tell you that much. (Though WTF is wrong with my stupid mouse? Seriously, everything needs to stop doing weird things today. No really. I’ve had enough.)

Just talking to Den with our heads on our pillows, catching up at the end of a long day, was so nice and relaxing. I’m glad I have a husband who a) likes to cuddle, and b) understands my deep-seated need to talk things out. He’s a pretty good listener, as long as he doesn’t fall asleep in the middle of a conversation!

I am still up because of one word: congestion. Good god, it’s gotten bad! After I got that sinus thing in early January it went back to “pregnancy normal,” which is to say I still felt a little yucky all the time but nothing to be bothered by. That was pretty much par for the course. Then just the last few weeks here suddenly my nose is all clogged up bad. And I know it’s just the pregnancy at work, because the other end is doing the same thing. But I can’t SLEEP! I lay down on one side and my nose whistles when I breathe, trying to get the air in and out. There is a reason I never ever snore when sleeping: I can’t sleep if I’m making noises! It keeps me awake. Usually after about 15 minutes things drain a bit into my lower sinus, opening one nostril enough that I can breathe. But then an hour or two later my hip is aching so I have to roll over… and I start the whole process again. Bleh! I have a feeling drinking more water would help with this, so I’ve been trying to do that. I don’t drink nearly enough.

My prior complaint, the nightsweats, haven’t bothered me much lately. A couple of times recently I’ve woken up a little dewy, but nothing like that period of grossness. I think what’s preventing this one is the fact that I wake up every 2 hours to pee. My body’s not getting a chance to go into major nightsweat mode. LOL It’s a little give-and-take. At least I can go straight back to sleep after peeing, no need to deal with the sheets.

You will notice in my latest belly pic that I am wearing no sleeves. That is a black “undershirt” I bought – my purpose was dual: both to have something covering the boobs under my maternity shirts that have a nice deep-V (which of course flashes everyone when I bend over), and also to have some extra coverage on the bottom of my belly. These maternity shirts that look so cute, they let air right up underneath my belly. It’s winter. That can be somewhat unpleasant!!

I haven’t really had any complaints of overheating or hot flashes or whatever it is that pregnant women normally complain about. I don’t walk around opening windows in the dead of winter. I have noticed, however, that this winter I have not complained about keeping our thermostat at 65 during the day. Yes, I wear turtlenecks daily. But I am normally the kind of person who feels cold (and very whiny) at 72 degrees. Considering we always keep our heat turned down in the mid-60’s to try to save on our heating bill I can get pretty miserable during the winters. So it’s been kind of nice this year… I wear my turtlenecks and sweatshirts and I don’t feel like body parts are going to freeze and fall off. It’s quite nice for a change! Though it’s rather amusing when I catch Den wearing like three layers, shivering, saying, “Is it cold in here?” and I look at him funny and say, “No.” I guess the pregnancy has had more effect on my body temperture-wise than I thought!

Let’s talk about the boobs. I always pictured getting huge boobs when pregnant. And here mine are, 34 weeks and… still a C-cup. Not that I’m complaining, mind – just a little surprized. Sure, maybe they’ll get bigger in the time I have left, but at this point I’m not expecting much change until my milk comes in. And hey, maybe they’re just the type of boobs that don’t grow much. Funny how your body can do things so differently than other peoples’. This whole pregnancy thing is so fascinating to me. I like watching how my body changes – in expected and unexpected ways. You never know what’s going to happen!

My nipples have changed, but again, not nearly as drastically as I expected. They’re a little darker, a little more pronounced… but not in a huge way. And they changed so slowly that sometimes it’s hard for me to notice that they’ve changed at all! The biggest difference is the areolas… they have little bumps all around my nipple, which I read are glands of some beneficial sort. It’s kind of weird!

I do think my belly button is going to pop out by the time I’m through. It’s still getting shallower and flatter. I can see my lap scar now, which is really weird. When I’m standing up my belly button does pop out a little bit (though not entirely) – but when I lay down it’s back to an innie. LOL

I have figured out why I haven’t been freaked out by the changes of my belly button – why I have felt no pain or discomfort from the pressure inside. It’s because my belly button is completely numb. I only really realized this a couple of days ago. Den was being silly and put his finger on my belly button and wiggled it (something he has never ever dared to do this pregnancy because the last time he did it about 5 years ago I FREAKED OUT at him in a bad way). Well he did that and I was all, “Wow. Umm, I can’t even feel that.” So that’s why, even when Devin’s pressing directly against my belly button from the inside, it doesn’t bother me at all. Thank the light for small favors, I guess. Considering how very sensitive it’s been all my life I can’t say I’m very upset about the numbness!

By the way, this reflux/heartburn is so nasty. *gag* And it just creeps up out of nowhere, too. I’ll be laying here almost asleep and all of a sudden ugggghhhhhhh!! I can’t complain too much, though, since what I have doesn’t sound half as bad as what some of my friends deal with!

::

I can’t believe Devin’s birth is coming closer and closer. It still all feels so unreal. When I think about it I start realizing just what a huge impact this is going to have on me… us… our lives. Getting pregnant was such a huge thing – but yet when you think about it it’s really an emotional thing more than a physical thing. Unless you’re testing and really watching and waiting, you could even miss it! You start off not even knowing you’re pregnant, and over time the pregnancy grows and changes and becomes more and more obvious, more and more life-altering.

Giving birth, on the other hand, is this huge physical life change that smacks you upside the head. Everything changes… all at once. Suddenly you’re no longer pregnant, and you have a child. Boom. Not to mention the labor. This is no easy life transition!

So it’s really no wonder that I feel so full of conflicting emotions over it. I’m excited beyond belief. I’m scared, too. I’m also curious. What does Devin look like? What will his personality be? What will labor feel like? What will my experience be like? How will I feel about myself afterwards? How will I handle being a mom? How will the dogs handle it? And just what on earth is life going to be like after we come home from that hospital?

Obviously I’m paying a lot more attention to birth stories and the waiting-to-go-into-labor stories. I find it surprizing and a little strange how many people wish to get it over with, or are trying anything – medical or myth – to get things started. I think that says a lot more about me than it does them, though – I would not go around telling other pregnant women how they ought to feel or what they ought to do! I am not in their shoes and can’t possibly know how they feel or what beliefs they hold dear. But instead I really sit and examine my reactions when I read about inductions and membrane stripping and breaking waters. Why do I feel that way? Is this something that is important to me? Is this something I want/want to avoid? Is this something that is likely to happen to me? If it’s something I want to avoid, what can I do to help avoid it?

Really what it boils down to, I guess, is that I really really feel strongly that I want this pregnancy to be allowed to continue unimpeded, without meddling from any doctor. Even if it means going to 42 weeks pregnant. Some of it is rooted in belief that this is best for me and best for the baby. But some of it, too, is fear. My body has been doing such a wonderful job that I don’t want anything to upset the balance that exists. Sort of like… I fear that doing something to jump-start labor would throw everything out of whack. I actually get quite panicked at the thought.

::

I really ought to sleep now, but between my sinuses and my bladder I’m having a tough time just reclining! Kid is on my bladder, I’ve had to pee every hour since I layed down (or more frequently?) The last trip to the bathroom I ended up having a braxton-hicks and boy oh boy was it a race to the bathroom. Moving at all felt like I was going to pee all over myself! Thanks for that, uterus.

Was that me saying how easy this pregnancy has been and how good I’ve had it? Guess it was. Well I’ll tell you what… I still don’t think I’m having much of a hard time with this pregnancy, but man… some days I’m reminded that I AM pregnant and that it IS hard work, no matter what.

This is my first week at work where I’m dropping down my hours. I’ve worked my normal 10 hours/week since the start, with some minor adjustments and shuffling of duties when heavy lifting became an issue. I feel kind of silly dropping it down, to be honest. I still feel very able-bodied, I’m still capable of doing everything I was doing. But I dropped down my hours for two reasons: I know that I will appreciate it, and they needed to give those hours to my replacement who is being trained now. Despite me still feeling pretty good the last thing I want to do is push myself too hard and hurt myself right before having this baby. That would rather suck. (10 hours/week doesn’t sound like much, but it’s 10 hours of physical labor, not much sitting around, though I do try to take breaks… which means I take twice as long as I should!)

So today I get to work and just am feeling weird that I’m only going in for a couple of hours to do my usual stuff, no cleaning or helping like I normally would on Mondays. It kind of felt like cheating. But then I got to work…. ooomph. I very quickly sapped all my energy. I had to go pee about five times. Bending over? Haha! Yeah, that’s fun. Every time I lean over or bend down I feel like the kid is being shoved directly onto my bladder… and other various unpleasantness. By the time I left I was waddling out the door, rubbing my lower back. I didn’t hurt myself, but boy can I feel it. Lifting even 10 lbs feels so heavy at this stage. Just standing for a while, sorting things, hurts my feet – must be the extra 20lbs I’m carrying on my person.

So maybe I don’t feel so foolish about dropping down my hours at this point. Maybe.

And besides, I need to keep some of this energy for cleaning my own house. I had to go grocery shopping after work, and by the time I got home I made myself a snack (not even a full meal), then said “screw this” and crawled into bed with my laptop. Sink is full of dirty dishes, dishwasher needs to be unloaded. I’ll get to it later…. after I get some sleep. I’m freakin’ exhausted, even though I didn’t do much today!

::

The other big change I’ve noticed is with food: I’ve started feeling nausea again. Not the same kind of nausea as before (thank the light). But what happens is that I am starving… all the time. So I eat… a lot. And all that food, it doesn’t have a whole lot of room to sit, so instead it just sits there and makes me feel all ick. So I’m stuck at this lovely place where I’m really really hungry… but the thought of putting more food into my cramped stomach just doesn’t bode well.

This is new, too. Since the nausea went away until about a week or two ago I was a bottomless pit of sorts. I ate a LOT of food. Now I find myself snacking all day, never really feeling satisfied, and being unable to eat a big meal comfortably. (And when I DO eat a big meal I feel somewhat sick for hours.)

Not to mention, the huge sweets craving is still gaining momentum. I think it’s at “freight train” classification now. It is HARD to turn towards something healthy, rather than grab some chococlate or something. I am glad all the leftovers from my shower have been eaten or tossed at this point. Way way too much chocolate cake and danishes, that’s all I have to say.

On the good side, a juicy apple tastes terrific. (I flipped back to this screen and only then realized I’d written “terrified” instead of “terrific” LMAO I wonder if that means something subconciously?)

In a really cruel twist of fate, I think my nausea is returning. It’s not precisely the same kind of nausea that had me leaning over a toilet for 4 months, but you know. Feeling like puking kind of sucks no matter what “kind” it is. I believe it’s simply from the pressure… the pressure against my stomach from the baby, and all the gas that is floating around in there. I swear, this morning I woke up, sat up, burped, and then just lightly patted my belly as if I was burping a baby so I could let out some more terrific burps. And it really didn’t feel good. (Of course, part of the not feeling good about it could be from the, “Oh no, not again!” thoughts…)

I am sounding quite terrible now. The wheezing going on from my stuffed nose is driving me nuts. I can hear myself breathe. And not just when I’m trying to sleep… when I’m puttering around the kitchen cooking, I’m wheezing! And stopping to catch my breath, since I have to work pretty hard to get enough oxygen in.

It’s amazing how much the belly has changed in just a week or two…. at least in how it feels. It’s LUMPY now, pretty much all the time. I used to be able to feel a foot or knee sometimes, once in a while a hard section that I assume was his back. But now there’s always SOME kind of lump or angle. I’m actually having problems identifying my BH contractions because sometimes a huge section of my belly is hard so I think it’s a BH… then I realize it’s soft on the top and bottom so it’s got to be his back or something pressing forward. It’s insane. I don’t think I’m at the point where other people can notice body parts yet though, not unless he’s REALLY pushing out hard with his feet.

The movements are getting… uncomfortable. I am frequently to be seen making faces and holding my belly. It’s not the same reason I used to hold my belly, in the “Awww, he’s kicking!” kind of wonderous way. No, now it’s an, “OW, get that foot back IN there!” and trying to push him back in.

I have noticed a lot more discomfort lately, to be honest. Just how he sits or how he’s pushing makes my belly ache frequently. The other day at work I was sitting at the desk for a while and when I stood up something shifted or twanged inside and I let out a bit of a yelp and froze for a second. Don’t know what it was, but it caught me off-guard.

I’m also getting a couple of very very light cervical/vaginal cramps this week. Not very frequently, but every once in a while (maybe once or twice a day, if that) I can feel a very light cramping. Just enough to make a mental note of.

Bending over is becoming an… issue. I am finding it far easier to actually get down on my hands and knees to plug something in, rather than bending over. It’s not exactly that my belly feels bigger and more in my way than it was – but rather that it’s a lot more sensitive. Bending over pushes him into my organs and causes me to feel very nauseated and uncomfortable. It still catches me off-guard.

Speaking of catching me off-guard… our basement door usually has stuff piled in front of it, and to avoid moving all that stuff 10 times a day we move just enough of it to open the door partway and slip through. So yesterday I open the door turn sideways and… get wedged. Oh yeah, the belly. LOL! I had a good laugh at myself for that one.

Joints aren’t bugging me, though… everyone talks about feeling “looser” and clicking and popping and I just don’t have that (yet)…. my hips aren’t even aching that bad at night anymore – guess I figured out how to sleep? Although I keep waking up on my back for some reason. I now sleep with a pillow on either side of my body, so that when I roll onto my back I’m half propped up by a pillow so I’m not FLAT on my back at least.

Nearly 35 weeks. I do not really want to think about how close to “full term” that is. I’m still trying to think in terms of due date, which means 5 weeks instead of 2. Much easier to handle. Although the idea of going for over a month more… well I can certainly see how this is going to get really uncomfortable. But as the midwife told me on Friday, “We hope you get a little uncomfortable at the end – it’s nature’s way of making you ready to get this baby out!” I am a bit glad that I have only 2 weeks until I’m considered “full term” though – because for some reason this past week I’ve gotten nervous about going into preterm labor. Once I’m full term I don’t have to worry about that and can just take any contractions I have as they come and not be concerned about calling the doctor, going to triage and being put on medication to stop it. Once I’m full term I can just sit back and wait things out. And that will be nice.

::

My moods have been totally whacked out this week – which I can now attribute to running out of my anti-depressant (snowstorm, was delayed getting to pharmacy to pick up refill). Normally running out means I’m a shakey, anxiety-ridden, teary mess and it’s easy for me to spot. This week, however, that was not the reaction I had. This time I turned into a raving bitch. Every. Little. Thing. PISSED ME OFF. The dogs, the cats, the house, the husband… every little thing that was out of place sent me into a very bad mood. It was miserable!! I am SO GLAD I’m feeling normal again after getting my meds. I don’t know how I could have handled being a raving lunatic for another month! I felt so bad for the furkids. :( Yes they were being assholes, but they didn’t deserve a crazy mommy.

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ETA: Yeah. Nausea is back. Helloooooo toilet. Please tell me this is a short-lived thing? Maybe I just ate something that didn’t agree with me? Right?? But at least this time I had enough foresight to stuff toilet paper between my legs while puking, so I didn’t pee all over myself…

Okay, so you may or may not remember that we switched insurance companies as of the beginning of this year. The old one covered all maternity care with no co-pays and it also covered all pediatrician visits with no co-pays… however the premiums were a large step above what the offered Blue Cross/Blue Shield premiums were. BC/BC also had no copays for maternity (other than a $100 fee for the actual birth) and pediatric care. Plus it had more allowances for chiropractic care (which Den uses, and now so do I) as well as a couple of other things that were of note to us. Slightly better coverage, much lower premiums. Good plan!!

I got a bill in the mail from the hospital where my Midwife group is for $40. I thought, huh, that’s strange. Then I got another one. I pulled out all of my records, including the Explanation of Benefits that the insurance company mailed me, to take a closer look. It says both that I owe $40 co-pay for one date of service, but also has a note saying that I’m not responsible to pay the difference between the submitted charges and the allowable charges. And I know I’m not supposed to have a co-pay! So which was it?

I just called an insurance rep to figure it out. The end result: yeah, we have to pay those bills. I pointed out that we are NOT supposed to have co-pays for maternity care! Says so right in the book. She checked it out.

Soooo it turns out I don’t have co-pays for maternity care. I do have co-pays for outpatient facility use. My Midwives are located in a hospital. They do all their billing through the hospital. They are considered an outpatient facility. Which is a $40 co-pay per visit. Fuck fuck fuck!

Did I mention that I’m now halfway through my third trimester? And that I’m moving to weekly visits? *bangs head against the wall*

So much for saving money… it appears we’re going to be coming out even this year, at least. Thank goodness the premium is so much less, that should make up for these unexpected fees. Damnit!

This evening Den cuddled up to me in bed, his hand splayed possessively over my belly. “He never kicks me anymore,” he sighed. I patted his hand and told him the baby was probably just sleeping.

That started me thinking. When WAS the last time he was awake and moving? Not this evening. This morning? I was sick this morning. I don’t really remember him being active at all today, really.

And the panic, it mounted.

I got up and got a glass of juice, drank the whole thing, then layed on my left side like they tell you to do. And then I waited. I put my hand on my belly to catch any movement. After about 5 minutes I started poking and pressing my belly, jiggling it a little.

And the panic got worse. Needless to say, I was laying there staring at the clock wondering WTF I should do, if I should be calling the Midwife (obviously if nothing happened shortly I was going to do that!), and having those horrible DBTs (Dead Baby Thoughts). I have been remarkably positive this entire pregnancy. Even on that day they sent me for the ultrasound because I was measuring 4 weeks behind, Den was worried and I remained pretty calm. I didn’t really believe anything could be wrong. But tonight? Tonight for about 15 minutes I was seriously freaking the fuck out.

I realized I was being stupid laying on my side, because I know my baby and he’s always most active when I’m propped up in bed, not laying down. So I grabbed my laptop and propped myself up with pillows, then sat and stared at my belly and continued poking at it.

Finally I got a feeble little kick. Then another. At least I knew he was still there, but it wasn’t all that reassuring. I kept poking him. Eventually my belly bulged out as he moved his legs around… I got some kicks… more bulges and pushes out the sides. At some point I let out a breath and decided he was okay in there.

Here’s my log. I drank the juice at around 9:00, and moved from laying to propped up in bed at around 9:10ish. I think he went back to sleep after 9:45.
9:18 – kick
9:20 – kick
9:25 – belly bulge
9:26 – kick
9:29 – little belly twitch
9:31 – big bulge
9:34 – big bulge
9:36 – little bulge
9:43 – kick

It certainly wasn’t a flurry of activity like I’m used to, although I can’t really expect him to be fully active if I woke him up from a sleep. Friends also pointed out that he’s probably getting a little short on space in there, I’ll be feeling more pushes and less outright kicks.

I also started thinking about the normal pattern. Today wasn’t really a normal day for me. Devin has always been more active when I’m propped up in bed, like I said. But this week that has gotten very uncomfortable to lay like that – I think he’s gotten heavy enough to start pressing on things. So today I spent my waking hours sitting at my desk instead. And what happens when I spend time upright – sitting at a desk or walking around? He tends to swing around to anterior. Yes that’s the position I want him in for labor. But with his limbs facing my spine, I tend to feel a lot less movement when he’s like that. Plus tonight I never did get to crawl in bed and watch TV or play on my laptop like I normally do – Den came to bed first.

So I guess it’s not really so strange that he was quieter than usual today. But holy shit, do not EVER do that to mommy again, kid!